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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Primary school have requested younger siblings don't go to parents evening

366 replies

Soyamilkisniceintea · 03/05/2017 07:01

Problem with this obviously is that it means one of us can't go, and I know the other parent will feed back but it's not the same as you can't ask any questions on an as and when basis.

AIBU to think it's a bit unfair?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2017 14:57

Have you never helped anyone else out

No because that would involve someone having a conversation with me

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2017 15:03

If myself and my family decided to emigrate to Australia and went on Wanted Down Under. I have no idea who would go on that bit where friends and family beg them to stay. The family we have is tiny and live hundreds of miles away and my friends live miles away and I went out to lunch with one of them last week and before that I saw another friend last year . It was when the world cup was on.

Kokusai · 04/05/2017 15:03

I too am shocked that your children are at school and you don't know a single parent well enough in the class that you can do some kind of reciprocal swap with.

Honestly you don't need to be boosom buddies but it's important to build up some kind of friendship group and support network.

I hate all this "little family" shit you see on MN about only wanting to do Christmas with DH and children, not wanting people to drop in, not liking guests, then saying they have no friends.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/05/2017 15:06

But for those with no local friends but with young children (not secondary school age), do your children not have local friends who they see? I assume the children don't make their own way to see their friends.

paxillin · 04/05/2017 15:17

We didn't have many parent friends, but made a big effort to do playdates and to meet at the weekend in the early school days, despite both working full time. This has grown into a vital support network, we have jumped in and helped out for emergencies, hospital stays etc. Identify likely people who want this support and will happily reciprocate. Working parents, single parents and people new to the area are good bets, as you get to know people, you will add to this list. They don't need to be "friend material".

It is a bit like work place networking, you would probably never say "oh, I could never get a job or a promotion, I know nobody in the industry". If you didn't know anybody you'd do your best to change that. No different for the school gate. Takes effort and will take you away from the core family. You need to invest highly valuable spare time, but it really pays in the long run. Who knows, there might be some actual friends to be made along the way.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2017 15:18

We do have a tiny family. I have no one and dp has a brother and his mum who live the other end of the country and at Christmas and several other times of the year go on holiday together.

If you try and speak to someone and they look at you then turn their backs wwyd. In the end you just have to make sure you are never late or need help.
Conversely I know more parents from dds Senior school than I do from any of the primaries they attended.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2017 15:21

But they don't live around here.

I have done the play date thing.

At one ds went to. When I went to pick him up I knocked on the door. The door opened. The mum called ds. I asked how he had been. Ds came. Ds's friend said bye bye to him. The door closed.

Nutterfly · 04/05/2017 15:36

If you're new to an area, and work full time so aren't doing school pickups, you hardly know who the other parents are, never mind get to know them well enough to ask to take on your DC.
I think it's quite normal for DC whose parents work full time.

paxillin · 04/05/2017 15:38

It's not normal round here. Central London, most parents work full time. All the more important to make these connections.

And every single family is like that? Sounds extreme. Does that not leave everybody totally isolated? If anybody has an accident, do the children go into care as a first resort in such a non-community?

FrenchJunebug · 04/05/2017 15:39

YABU. The teachers want your full attention to talk to you about your kid. You can always get a babysitter for an hour or ask another parents to swap looking after each other's kid.

Headofthehive55 · 04/05/2017 15:56

Oh you aren't alone olivers I was a whole year before some one happily had a conversation with me (someone else initiating it) outside reception!
It just takes a long time. Also I've found there are lots of after school activities so play dates are not always easy to arrange.

Roomba · 04/05/2017 15:58

This would be a real pain for me as I have no family nearby. I can't leave a four year old home alone and have no DP to take him. Thankfully our school is happy for both kids to sit in the corridor quietly while I go in the classroom

TheExuberant1 · 04/05/2017 16:11

It will just deter parents from going.

Sunbeam18 · 04/05/2017 16:21

Why can't go get a babysitter for an hour?

Sunbeam18 · 04/05/2017 16:23

Have you and your partner never gone out at the same time before? This is a really odd thread! We don't have family nearby but get a babysitter in a situation like this, which happens every other week

wickedfairy · 04/05/2017 16:28

Ffs. I don't think 2 parents have to be there, surely one is sufficient! I always go and leave DH at home with the kids, much easier than both of us going and leaving the 3 kids faffing around in the corridor (possibly creating a nuisance).

Ragwort · 04/05/2017 17:12

Everyone else was in their 60s/70s/80s - you can still be friends with people who aren't the same generation as you - don't write people off just because you perceive them to be old Hmm.

As another poster said, it is sad that so many people feel socially isolated - what would help you to make friends?

There might be lots of 'older' people equally thinking they can't make friends with their neighbours because they are young families Confused.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/05/2017 17:46

Our family all live miles away. We have elderly neighbours, they became quasi grandparents to DS. So have helped us with babysitting and school pick ups on the odd occasion.

They love DS and don't get to see their own grandchildren very much, as they live miles away, ironically in the same town as DH's parents.

They even came to watch one of DS's plays at school when we had spare tickets 😄

SomethingBorrowed · 04/05/2017 18:33

Oh come on, if you don't habe any friends or babysitter here is a trick: go to the nearest playground on a weekend, talk to other parents there, ask them about babysitters as well.
Also join your local FB mum's group.
(I work FT, so does DH, I moved here from another country and am quite shy, still manage to make friends in our neighborhood)

MiaowTheCat · 04/05/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hackmum · 04/05/2017 19:32

I think it's fine for just one parent to go and the other to stay at home and look after the kids. Parents' evening isn't that big a deal.

I do feel sorry for single parents, though, because, actually, not everyone can afford babysitters, and not everyone has friends or family who can look after their kids for them. I know there's a mindset that goes, "Well, I have friends and family, therefore everyone else does, and if they don't, it must be their fault for not trying hard enough", but, guess what, life isn't like that for lots of people.

Daughter's primary school used to let the siblings play in the hall/canteen area while parents' evening was going on.

thatdearoctopus · 04/05/2017 19:47

It appears that the OP has long gone now, but I would venture to suggest that if Parents Evening is that important to her and her husband, then he perhaps ought to prioritise coming home from work in time that at least one of them can attend.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 04/05/2017 20:34

I'm surprised how many people don't see the difference between getting a babysitter at the last minute for parents evening, a night out and an emergency.

For a night out I arrange round when friends/family are free to help out.
In an emergency people are a lot more willing to put themselves out, I have loads of people I could ask in an emergency, even DH's sister who hates babysitting would help if it was an emergency.
Parents evening is a set time which is not convenient for any of the people I'd usually ask, the majority of DD's friends parents have to try and get time of work to go so just use their normal childcare, it doesn't mean I'm isolated or not making enough effort!

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 04/05/2017 21:11

Do people really expect the PTA to arrange a crèche? The PTA that is usually the same 6-7 mums who organise every other event at school. Paying a TA or two to do it would be the way to go.

Why do you think TAs would want to provide a creche? Teachers and TAs are educators, not childcare providers and particularly not for pre-school age children.

BarbarianMum · 04/05/2017 21:16

Well the TAs provide a creche at our school. I'm sure theyre paid to do so and not expected to do it for love.

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