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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:
Annahibiscuits · 05/05/2017 06:39

My DH, didn't go to school at all and doesn't have any qualifications.

He would have asked the question

Ladyvird135 · 05/05/2017 07:01

Am I the only one thinks there is an overreaction going on here? He forgot to ask a question, he didn't start the apocalypse. But then, I am a little scatter brained myself, so I have a habit of forgiving people for small mistakes/ forgetfulness.

Eh, unless there is a massive drip feed them I think you're being a little U. Yes he effed up, but it's easily solved.

Turquoise123 · 05/05/2017 07:02

Totally understand your frustration . I have no idea why women have to supervise their partners on medical/ school/ so many other issues.

ProtectandSurvive · 05/05/2017 07:14

Yes. You are. In the situation where you are in a hospital discussing a procedure it is easy to get overloaded with information and forget to ask what may seem an obvious question. I've had to ring and check things before.

Lweji · 05/05/2017 07:53

I imagine that the OP never forgot to ask a doctor anything.
Or never forgot anything her husband asked her to.

HarryElephante · 05/05/2017 07:58

LTB

Annahibiscuits · 05/05/2017 08:27

It's pretty fundamental though, huh lweji? I don't understand how it wasn't obvious from the conversation though, as to whether child would be asleep for the op Confused

Adnerb95 · 05/05/2017 09:07

Ladyvird

No, massive drama. But certain MNs are just totally perfect human beings, so it must be tough dealing with us normal, fallible species.

MadManty · 05/05/2017 09:41

I can understand the frustration, while having to work, instead of overseeing your child yourself OP. It's bad enough you couldn't get time off and no doubt lots of us MN's know how that feels. It's also hard to trust the hubs/partner to do something that you yourself feel, you should of done. Maybe just maybe he was even with all his intelligence, ever such a little emotionally overwhelmed. Yes it was a simple question to ask and it also is a simple thing to remedy. Responsibility for Chemicals is one thing but responsibility to get it right for your child is a whole heap bigger. He tried his best. If it was me I'd call the hospital reception, to find out which anesthetisation your child was having and act accordingly. Or treat it as the general, which wouldn't hurt if it wasn't and then get time off to be with my child. Who has gone through a procedure (regardless of the anesthetic amount)and give her the support/ cuddles they will no doubtable want. And you get to put your mind at ease that everything went ok.

Lweji · 05/05/2017 09:45

Annahibiscuits

It depends on the conversation and on the point of the appointment. It might not have been an obvious question at the time. Particularly as nothing had even been booked.

The OP simply doesn't know what she'd have done in her husband's shoes because she wasn't there.

Lovelymess · 05/05/2017 09:55

Standard man lol just give them a call and ask no biggie

MuvaWifey77 · 05/05/2017 09:56

I really get annoyed by my DHs inneficiency sometimes too almost as much as when I post a question on here and get a question back Hmm you are not being unreasonable at all. Sometimes I wonder what goes through men's head when they do things like that ... it amazes me. I recently found out how uncapable my DH is of multitasking . Apparently he can't get a ticket for the car whilst on the mobile phone. 🙈 Call the hospital and try and ignore it. Sometimes the best man for the job just isn't .

SecretNetter · 05/05/2017 09:59

Think the husbands getting a hard time tbh.

Dh sometimes frustrates me as he doesn't get as much information about something (anything...a parents evening, what a car service quote covers, a job offer, medical things) as I would have myself.

But that's not because he's an inept, uncaring man child...it's just a difference in personality/attitude to things.

I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, as far in advance as possible. It's just the way I am. I plan for things months in advance, write lists, do spreadsheets to cover financial hurdles coming up (I'm 39 weeks pg and currently have our finances planned out for the next 2 years, including childcare costs). I probably bore Dr's/teachers/my boss with too many questions. Just read back and I make myself sound way ott Hmm but that's how I am.

Dh is much more laid back. He will remember what he's told by a professional, take the information in and store it and feel comfortable that the person imparting the info will advise what's necessary to be known, at that stage. He deals with things (brilliantly) as they come up. He just wouldn't think to ask much of the stuff I do.

starlight13 · 05/05/2017 10:30

YANBU at all -this is basic common sense and I'm fed up with spoonfeeding too.
Like everything in life - men make the mistakes and we just pick up the mess. Why do we continue to do it? Because we care I guess and they know it. It's why the world is in such a state imo.

Deejoda · 05/05/2017 12:09

This is definitely one of my pet peeves, where the married man acts like a man-child and like you're their grown up responsible mother. Annoying as hell!

This!!!

OP YADNBU! From my experience of talking to women with husbands/long-term partners and with my own DH, this behaviour is so much more common in men and unfortunately, many of these men are very competent/capable of doing very complex work/hobbies but when it comes to family or household matters prefer to let the woman take all responsibility. I agree it is a learnt laziness and I believe it is so that the woman takes over and does it herself. If it was a one off thing, it would be mildly irritating but when it happens so often, it builds into frustration. Like leaving the eczema cream on the floor - he probably saw it fall and instead of picking it up there and then, was going to come back to it but didnt and someone trod on it. Maybe wasting a significant volume, necessitating a repeat prescription sooner than expected which will need sorting etc etc (and he probably wont want to do that either).
Hopefully, parenting will improve so that more little boys now are taught to pay attention to all of life's issues, trivial or not.

Organisedchaosalways · 05/05/2017 12:52

Your hospital professional didn't do their job then, they should have explained everything to the parent or guardian including the questions you asked your hubby to ask. They normally give a letter with the date and time of procedure and any did and donts on there too aswell as some explanation of the procedure. If you know your other half is like that then you should have written it down for him.

Ticketybootoo · 05/05/2017 15:44

Medical professionals are supposed to provide enough information for you to give ' informed consent ' and should have described the anaesthetic to be used and any risk associated with the one they plan to use .
I get where your annoyance comes from though !

littletwofeet · 05/05/2017 16:00

I would be annoyed too op-this is basic parenting.
If your DH struggles to retain the information then he needs to write it down while in the appointment/put it in his phone/ask the doctor to write it down.

Not all hospitals issue a letter. I recently had an appointment where my DC was booked in for surgery-the consultant at the appointment gave me times for last food and last drink. I made a note of it in my phone incase I forgot. We then turned up on the day.
I can't imagine going home and my DH asking 'when is the operation, does DC need to fast, etc' and me saying 'oh I don't know, I'n not sure what the doctor said' and then having to waste everyone's time by phoning up.

Like op says, this would not be acceptable at work, he wouldn't come out of a meeting and start saying to his boss 'oh I'm not sure what was said, I didn't think to ask that, etc you'll have to phone up to find out'

mumto2two · 05/05/2017 17:50

Unfortunately your DH is not the only one like this. Our DD has a health condition which means she is hospitalised frequently, and is under the care of six different consultants who we see frequently for follow ups. It is always me who asks the questions and knows exactly what is going on. DH never has a clue. Yes it does irk me sometimes, but there is no point trying to change the mindset. I just accept it now.

C0RAL · 05/05/2017 18:19

I think you have answered your own question OP.

He didn't ask because HE didn't need to know. He's not the one who has to prepare her for the Procedure , it's you. He doesn't need to know how much time to take off work because YOU are doing that.

He doesn't care because it's not his problem.

And he's teaching you that if you want something done properly, Do it Yourself. And don't except important men like him to take time off work for unimportant and irrelevant things like their own children. That's women's work Hmm

Everyone saying " oh the poor simple man " might want to ask themselves how often this man has forgotten to ask for the key facts about a work project at a crucial stage . because if he's this incompetent all the time, he would have been fired.

Diemme · 05/05/2017 22:52

The sexism on this thread is vile. I genuinely don't get it, how can you talk about men in a way that would be totally indefensible for men to talk about women?

mathanxiety · 06/05/2017 02:21

People are also talking about women - how women do this or that better, and it's innate, so therefore we should smile indulgently at men and just get on with it and add all the stuff men have just checked out of doing to our long list of things to do (better).

mathanxiety · 06/05/2017 02:24

Organisedchaosalways Fri 05-May-17 12:52:08
Your hospital professional didn't do their job then, they should have explained everything to the parent or guardian including the questions you asked your hubby to ask. They normally give a letter with the date and time of procedure and any did and donts on there too aswell as some explanation of the procedure. If you know your other half is like that then you should have written it down for him.

She did write it all down for him. They talked in detail in advance. She underlined the points he was to raise at the meeting.

She has no idea whether the hospital professional explained everything to the H because he has no recollection of anything that was talked about and no intention of racking his brain to try to remember.

mathanxiety · 06/05/2017 02:25

Agree 100% CORAL

desertgirl · 06/05/2017 06:35

Some years ago, XH (dentist, though not working as such at this point) took small child to GP when I couldn't easily leave work. Came back saying 'it's bronchiolitis, probably viral, he's to take these antibiotics'. Why antibiotics if it's probably viral, I asked. He had no idea. And he had enough of a medical background that surely the question was blindingly obvious?

I had to email GP who said, ideally I would have told you to start them if XYZ but it's often easier just to give them (!), if it was my child I would wait and see (which is what I therefore did, XYZ never happened...) "this is why we really do prefer it if the mother comes in". FFS. Surely expectations of fathers shouldn't be so low....!!