To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

[DrSeuss]

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

sorry - not read full thread.
I really believe everybody always pays attention and listens well, when they are MOTIVATED. I'm sorry to be so negative here but people, men in particular, switch off when they think something isn't important, or they can't affect something. - Another (controversial ) thought.....: Could other things in how you both relate to each other and take control of things be leading him to "switch off".. ? Could you possibly be over controlling him? (sorry), which has the effect of him failing to have confidence and therefore not functioning at his best......? (I'm happy to be wrong, but the question has to be asked).

YANBU, I have a dh who is content to be incompetent at many aspects of family and home life and I find it infuriating.

Have not RTFT - this decision for me was made just prior to I had surgery so maybe they don't know as it's something they will discuss with you on the day? Is the surgery scheduled for later in the day rather than first thing in the morning, or are you in for pre op the day before?

My hubby is the same and has a Masters. He has no idea what to ask even though hes been in hospital loads of times. He finds it hard to think on the spot too. He forgets events even one hes put in our diary but in a Drs or Hospital hes totally rubbish. When hes been hurt..broken limbs etc.. and ive asked questions in response to what the dr or surgeon says hes always amazed id think of that possibility. He always remembers information incorrectly and I am constantly having to correct him - where medication is concerned. ..care information is concerned. .... at work he's supposed to be amazing. .. i forgive him as I am crap in other situations... but we now discuss and work on lists to ask together for whatever situation as we both think it's not fair to take full responsibility in case you forgetc something. Doing this has also meant we both have got better at covering every out come.

The question really is why do men need spoonfeeding full stop! He should have been able to handle it without notes, he is a grown man with just as much interest and care for the child. Basically they are not used to doing the family 'thinking'

Don't turn it into a big issue - just call the hospital and find out

@rubia Men don't need spoon feeding full stop - my partner certainly doesn't.

Well men from early age are conditioned to be the bumbling incompetent man, look how men are portrayed on TV and ad's the man who can't cook properly or cannot do the housework and along comes the wife who does it properly so man gives up. How many programmes run that typical family where the man sits about lazing and there jokes about how much they can get away with etc.

Men in general don't think. For example though not as serious: every week when my husband rings his Mom and he comes off the phone, I ask ''what did Mom have to say?'' he always replies with ''not much'' hence I often speak to her too.

My husband has some serious health problems so I ensure I go with him to the appointments, cos they just don't think and communicate the same as women.

It's the way they are wired up. Women are generally the opposite

I suspect the situation in the hospital might have been new and possibly a reversal of roles, ie, he is not in charge. Maybe he felt a little overwhelmed in this conversation, not being his field. For myself, I would have asked all manner of questions and not felt intimidated by the surgeon, mothering instincts taking control. Yes, it's frustrating, and I would have lost my rag with my DP but I have come to expect this sort of blunder from him. It's a bit like that thing with men not wanting to ask directions, preferring to drive around lost I guess.

As an illustration of what a previous post said, men switch off when it's not relevant or important to their mind set. Whenever my DP would walk into town he kindly asked if I needed anything. Sometimes I would say yes, pint of milk or bread etc. When he came home he never ever remembered to have stopped off to buy whatever I had asked for, so, I now say no, nothing thanks! He just does not listen to anything so ordinary, he's an intellectual and there is no room in his head for basics!

ruthsmumkath Thu 04-May-17 18:06:54
I'm an adult with post grad qualifications etc - I wouldn't of asked - I would expect to be told important stuff and trust the surgeon etc on the day to make the best call.

Have you really got post-graduate qualifications? From what university, might I enquire?

OP You were being unreasonable. HTH

All the posters with their slightly patronising advice that you're micromanaging him, that you need to let him be responsible and learn from his own mistakes - have clearly never lived with a man like this.

My father is exactly the same and when I was a (slightly patronising) teen I advised my mum not to take responsibly for everything and let him do tasks even if it was painfully slow or resulted in fuck ups.

And then, as an adult I had to work with my dad on a project - and the penny dropped. If I didn't do something it wouldn't get done or it would get done so badly that I had to undo his fuckup and redo it. It was so much less hassle, and quicker just to do it myself.

My father has an Oxford degree and a successful career (now retired), but at some point he outsourced all responsibility for the family, house, his health, his life etc - to my mum, and despite the fact she worked too, she never managed to shift the balance.

When you're dealing with a small child's medical issue it's not ok to fuck up and learn from it because a child's wellbeing is on the line.

I think it's conditioning that boys see their mothers take responsibilty for their lives growing up, some see their father outsource responsibility to their mothers as well, and they think
that's what 'mothers' do.

I have to send my DH to the Docs with the relevant questions written down on a piece of paper with selected answers the Doctor may give for DH to tick whilst still in the surgery alongside:
Yes
No
Possibly
You need to get your affairs in order

IME this is more common with men, they can be pretty useless at dealing with medics. They seem to come over all of a fluster.

Woweee you sound like fun op....

I think you need to calm down. He made a mistake, do you drag him through the mud like this every time he does something wrong?

Why are you even married to this man if you think he's such a useless piece of shit? You sound overly intolerant of him. Eeesh, I hope you're freaking perfect.

Nancy Wake..... for the record, There is nothing patronising about my opinion. My perspective might be different to yours ( I have direct experience of how many people - obviously not the people in your life - can end up being shadows of their former selves because they are over criticised and over controlled. Fact. ) why do you need to view this opinion as patronising?

Suit yourself. Get very annoyed. All the time.... Sheesh.

Well, I wouldn't, because I have a DH who's broadly functional when it comes to day-to-day interactions and activities.

I feel like I'm stealth boasting or being smug by saying this, as so many people on this thread seem to think a man who's inept at basic tasks is the norm, and that men can't think, FFS.

It's not. Or at least, it shouldn't be. Christ, maybe it is.... Wow, how depressing.

I haven't managed to read the whole thread but wonder if part of the problem is that you're both understandably a bit anxious about the operation. Perhaps your husband feels bad for not asking the right questions (although won't admit it), you feel unhappy that you couldn't be at the appointment, you are both concerned - all this can naturally lead to a row, and you'll both feel better about it all when you have the information you need (sorry - no doubt there's an update on here somewhere that I've missed). Hope the operation goes really smoothly.

TheDowagerCuntess your not stealth boasting you just choose a partner that meets your values and standards and didn't compromise.

Most people compromise too much and then always end up complaining about why their partner is like this or that. Or they allow that behaviour to happen and don't stop it from the beginning.

Ring the doctor and ask xx

LOL ^^

It's almost as if the OP has the same expectations of her husband, as she has of herself.

What a total bitch.

You sound like a very angry person, OP. Your dh irritates you a lot. Do you love him?

Presumably it's something he forgot to ask, rather than thinking it wasn't important. Have you never forgotten something important? How would you feel if your dh raged at you after that?

The hospital and the surgeon clearly don't think it's a big deal or they'd have told you anyway. You can easily find out if one of you makes a phone call to the ward. It's an important oversight but not one that can't be rectified very easily.

I don't understand why you don't just get on the phone, or get your dh to do it, rather than venting your fury and coming on mn for validation. Are you often furious like this? Perhaps that's a bigger problem than your husband's forgetfulness? Your anger isn't helping anything get done, it's very upsetting for your dh, and probably for you too although some people enjoy an outburst.

YABVU

I disagree completely with your opinion there, Borodin. This is not apparently the first time he has screwed up something important.

The H here wasted everyone's time, including the doctor's, by letting what was said go in one ear and out the other when he had his chance to listen and ask questions. The assumption is that the person who goes to the appointment remembers pertinent information and uses the opportunity to clarify any points of confusion.

He and the OP went over what he was to ask ahead of time. Topics were underlined in the paperwork they already have.

Imo it is the H here who is the angry one. This was an incredibly passive aggressive performance that he put on.

He was in a Drs office, listening to how his daughter would be sliced and diced and any inherent risk, perhaps dealing with her worries too and you're angry that he didn't ask a specific question.

I told him what to ask, all simple stuff, I highlighted relevant parts of the appointment letter.

He's a lucky man having you

I can't believe the calls of "man-child", insults and patronising comments the man is getting. Well, having been on MN for a while I can but it's sad. It's sad the OP initiated it and is now delighted that everyone else is piling in to make jibes about him and men in general.

"I need to know that it will go smoothly for my daughter's sake."

Ah, you're going to advise the anesthesiologist and surgeons are you?

He hasn't screwed up. He forgot to ask a question. Well, he has screwed up but if he takes my advice of LTB, he'll soon be okay.

The OP took charge of the situation when the DD had the initial accident that has resulted in this further surgery, and she dealt with it. I took her to hospital when she had her initial accident. I worked out what I needed to know by myself and made sure I found out.

There has already been A&E, orthopedic surgery, recovery, and now the pins are to be removed. You are letting this poor duddums man off the hook for having no recall of anything that was discussed in the office with the doctor with nothing else going on because...?

He showed complete disregard for important considerations to do with his wife's work situation - to wit, is it going to be one day or more that she needs to book off? How far in advance does she need to ask for days off? Can she wait for the relevant hospital information to arrive in the post? Clearly, getting time off work is not a shoe-in, or she would have gone today.

He also showed complete disregard for his DD's welfare. It makes a huge difference if someone is to have general or local anesthesia - fasting and recovery are both affected. The 'one question' he forgot or has no recollection of was the really important one.

And he wasted the OP's time too - the time she spent going over the questions with him. Did he think she was just doing that because she had nothing better to do with her time? Or that the question of fasting and recovery time were not important?

And who leaves stuff like eczema ointment on the floor? What member of the household staff did the H think was going to go around clearing up after him?

This man comes across as someone who believes his wife is his personal assistant, not his partner or his equal, and not someone who pulls his weight or shows that he cares about anyone else's concerns.