To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

[DrSeuss]

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

I don't really know what the difference between those two things are so could imagine not really remembering. So shoot me. Presumably you can check? Unless there's a massive back story just cut him some slack or you'll end being the one who does all of this kind of thing.

If this was pre op then you should get written instructions with the date of the op ( not excusing DH but to help with planning). Without knowing the surgery it's impossible to say but if it helps I'd plan for general as at five a lot of surgeons think it's better as it can be hard for a five year old to understand staying still when people are using instruments etc near them. If it's non emergency (which it seems) and you want to your are able to request another meeting with the surgeon so you can discuss things and have full information goring into the op.

Why are you venting to us rather than DH?

I agree with everything Seeingadistance says.

I think it's because some men think the minutiae of daily family life is beneath them. I don't think it's because they can't do it; it's because they can't be, and in the past have never had to be, bothered.

Thanks, Seeing.
Thanks, Madame. I will assume general. It's to remove wires on a broken elbow. I was told when they were put in that it could be local or general.

Squished, I already told him what I think. He thinks I am being totally unreasonable so I just wanted a reality check!

He is well respected at work where he designs and supervises complex processes on a chemical plant with all that entails. I suppose I think that someone who can do that, heading a team, should be able to work out what to ask a doctor at a preliminary appointment but it seems not....

You see I don't get the correlation between his job and either forgetting to ask this question/possibly feeling too awkward in the situation/or whatever the actual reason was.

It's almost as though you're suggesting you'd understand/forgive him if he were to work as say a supermarket cashier?

Mumsnet is full of people who (again for example) can't ask a neighbour a simple question because they see basic communication as 'confrontation', and people who are awkward/forgetful in certain unfamiliar situations.

They come from all different walks of life and earn their money in many different ways, which has nothing to do with how they are outside of work.

I'd have thought that if it was to be anything other then a local then you'd be advised in writing when the appointment letter turns up.

Was he told re that or not?, i suspect that if not it is to be a local and if not regulations or arse protection would demand the other be in writing.

You are NBU OP. I should have thought that any parent of either gender would be concerned enough to want to know the type of anaesthesia to be used.
Apart from wanting to know about whether nil by mouth you will want to prepare your DD for the procedure.

This is definitely one of my pet peeves, where the married man acts like a man-child and like you're their grown up responsible mother. Annoying as hell!

It very much reminds of an episode from the Sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond is utterly incompetent at doing any housework correctly and it turns out he's been faking this incompetence for years so that the wife in her exasperation feels she has to do it herself if she wants it done properly. Big win for the husband!

It's well known that people retain approximately 30% at most of all information given to them during an outpatient appointment. It's quite possible that the information was given (& so your husband did not need to ask the question) but not retained. It's also possible given the rushed nature of such clinics that the conversation went along the lines of "X-ray looks good, can get the wires out on such and such date, might be asleep or awake depending on other caseload, anything else? Good, see you then" and doc gets up to leave. Wall of speech during which critical info can get missed.

For what it's worth I would always fast a case like this under local because if it doesn't work, or is trickier than initially apparent, there is then the option of general, which you won't have if they've eaten.

It is the responsibility, and a requirement, of the surgeon / other HCP to advise the patient as part of the process of seeking fully informed consent, rather than the patient's job. I would be very surprised if it was not brought up. You need to question your DH a bit more closely.

YANBU, this kind of male incompetence infuriates me.

Just call the surgeon. My dh got this same procedure on the NHS and was encouraged to call his surgeon directly if any questions. Insulting your dh's intelligence or common sense or blaming him isn't something people in healthy relationships do OP!

The correlation between the job and his ability to deal with the situation is relevant I think.
To get to a certain point in a career you need to

• communicate
• listen and retain information
• follow instructions

Amongst many other things. It's a red herring to suddenly not be able to ask a simple question and retain the response. It is important ffs, it's his daughter having surgery! This really pisses me off. I had an argument recently with DH about organising our childcare and he said 'oh you know when all the dates are and when stuff is happening' as his excuse to have me arrange it all. I lost the plot. He has Internet access and can find out the exact same info but apparently I do it better. Op I hear you..I just don't know what to do to about it. Hope it goes well for your DD.

My dh has post grad qualifications. I wouldn't trust him either. You live and learn. Try not to give him too much of a hard time and speak to the NHS staff.

YANBU. My husband, as a competent adult and equal co-parent to our small kids, would have been able to handle this. And if by chance he missed a vital piece of information, he'd have felt bad and rung to ask.

I often come away from consultations thinking "oh blast, I forgot to ask x,y,and z" and it's usually because the discussion moves on swiftly and you miss your chance (eg I suffered from severe anaemia for a year longer than I needed to because I forgot to mention my breathlessness to the GP when I had an appointment for something else; I went in with the full intention of bringing it up but somehow didn't get the chance to).

Even understanding this, however, I do get the rage when DH takes the DC to appointments and fails to ask what I think are basic questions.

The old saying "If you want a job done properly, do it yourself" fits here.

He just forgot. I forget to ask stuff and I'm female.

Anyway, as others have said, this is the kind of information that will be on the appointment letter. They aren't going to do a general without giving you all the information about fasting etc.

I wouldnt judge him for not asking when the simple answer is it will be done one of two ways and you will find out very soon from the hospital which way it will be done.

And to be honest whichever parent takes the child to the hospital really should be allowed to get on with it and not be sent with list of things to remember like a wee boy or girl going too the corner shop for the first time.

His job is highly technical, in the area of science, involves attending meetings, discussing, listening and reporting back, then reporting back to others. If he demonstrated the same level of efficiency there, he would not keep a job long. That's why the job is relevant. And the choice of a aesthetic is hardly a minor issue. Now I'm worrying about what else he missed.
Going to see my boss today. I am going to the next hospital visit. I need to know that it will go smoothly for my daughter's sake. This is far from the first time he's screwed up something which appeared to be simple and I am reaching the end of my tether.

I'd be irritated but not enough to rant on here tbh.
You say your MIL would make allowances for him but you were infantilising him by telling him what questions to ask. Either treat him like a grown-up who can ask his own questions or treat him like a child with the inherent spoon-feeding and making allowances for him.The problem with trying to do both simultaneously is that you end up with situations like this.
FWIW the letter from the hospital will have the details of the op and they may not have decided yet so even if he had asked the question, they might not have provided a definitive answer.

I can only assume that you are perfect in every way then, OP.