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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:

Original poster

DrSeuss · 04/05/2017 16:24

Update- Husband contacted surgeon's secretary, who expressed surprise that we are booked into the trauma clinic and no theatre has been booked. She said that a five year old always has this done under general and there has been a mistake which she will look into. Hopefully it will have been sorted out today. NB, this is not NHS bashing, the hospital in Southhampton was absolutely wonderful from A and E to ortho to surgery to recovery and the children's ward.

So, if I weren't such a miserable cow, we could potentially have turned up in a couple of weeks for an unsuitable appointment.

And yes, if he'd been even slightly shame faced, I wouldn't have been so cross.

OP posts:

intheknickersoftime · 04/05/2017 16:34

I still think you've been a bit odd about this. Whenever I've been at hospital with the kids or myself I've found the experience so stressful that I've not taken in anything anyone's said to me and have had to ring back to find things out. I'm not trying to give you a hard time, Im sure your stressed about it too but I don't think he meant to fuck up. Let it go.

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 04/05/2017 16:43

So, if I weren't such a miserable cow, we could potentially have turned up in a couple of weeks for an unsuitable appointment.

Actually, if your OH hadn't forgotten to ask, you could have turned up for an unsuitable appointment, in fact.

If you had gone in, you'd have asked the doctor and be none the wiser.

Go on, I dare you to thank him.

intheknickersoftime · 04/05/2017 16:50

Lweji

RhodaBorrocks · 04/05/2017 16:56

Well done for getting it sorted.

FWIW, the following:

NHS hospitals seem to give either pre- op appointments ( A few days/ weeks before the op) when important details are discussed and tests and information needed for the surgery are gathered or send out clear instruction sheets about the anaesthesia and procedure and do the pre- op checks on the day. That's what has always happened to me

...has not been my experience.

When my surgeon lists me for surgery, he will either tell me what type of anaesthetic it will be or will offer me a choice. When that's been done he will tick the appropriate boxes on the consent form and get me to sign agreeing to the proposed procedure. The form gets sent off to the secretaries who will book news a surgery slot.

At preop they confirm the procedure which should include type of anaesthetic.

The leaflet and letter I get are very generic- to save time the letter gives me a date and time slot, the leaflet lists all the different things you should do for different types of anaesthetic. If you don't know what instruction you should be following you could be stuffed! Luckily my hospital encourages patients to ring and confirm the day before and they go over things with you, although I have had to correct the info I've been given before when they think I'm having a GA rather than light sedation etc.

So if consent forms were signed yesterday your DH should have been given the info prior to signing so that they had informed consent. No one should consent to any procedure either for themselves or on behalf of someone else, if they do not know explicitly what procedure they are having

pollymere · 04/05/2017 17:25

He may have been told that a letter will follow explaining it all? He may have just been overwhelmed and forgot. It's exasperating but human.

riceuten · 04/05/2017 17:31

They will let you know beforehand if she needs to fast - usually a letter suffices. It sounds to me like it was vv important to you but not to him.

Mrspiggy456 · 04/05/2017 17:36

YANBU at all. My ex husband used to be exactly the same and his mother used to make excuses all the time. You almost feel like you have to do everything yourself, rather than rely on them to ask the right questions.
I would want as much information as possible as well, because I'd be anxious about the surgery, and the more I know, the more it would put me at ease (if that makes sense)

Koolchique · 04/05/2017 17:42

Maybe he just hasn't experienced the hospital setting the way you have.

Truth is I wouldn't know to ask even though I'm well educated. I've had two operations and all I needed to know to prepare was given first verbally and then in a leaflet.

Now I know I should ask if I ever have to take someone to hospital.

Richdebtomdom · 04/05/2017 17:44

Not unreasonable but quite unforgiving...its not the patient that has the responsibility of dragging information from the doctor-the doctor should be imparting information to the patient-especially about such important information... poor hubby he's just useless eh? Like all men? Lol

theredjellybean · 04/05/2017 17:48

you are absolutely not being unreasonable.
its not a little thing ...a general aneasthetic especially in a child carries inherent risks, and can often need an overnight stay in hospital, even if planned as a day case children will not be allowed home if they have not eaten or passed urine, so the effects of an anesthetic can be vominting, nausea etc.
If your child is having an general anesthetic you need to prepare them for this and also get yourself sorted out at home for potentially a stay in hospital. that means planning for work and planning for child care if you have other children.
ITS A BIG DEAL

if your child is having a procedure under local anesthetic ( very rare in young children) well you would be at hospital time the procedure took and then you could all go straight home, minimal risks and minimal side effects. Depending on procedure your child could be back at school or nursery the next day and you could be back at work etc.

It is not just him being a bit ditsy or lacking in common sense , its actually utterly bizarre that a parent would not have ascertained exactly what the anesthetic would be, and asked how long the child would be in hospital . Basic stuff you would need to know.....did he sit there with his fingers in his ears going 'lalalalala i can't hear you'

OP i would have torn him a new one !

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 17:48

Naughty OP, you know it's your sole responsibility to handle all things pertaining to childcare don't you? You are a woman after all!

Anyway, sorry for being sarky but I just feel like it's such an irrelevant question. OP doesn't have to explain why she couldn't go to the appointment. Her DC was in the care of his father.

While I think the question is relevant, I don't think it's a problem that he didn't ask. When the operation goes ahead you or your DH can ask what will happen beforehand - I'm sure someone from the surgical team will discuss all the details with you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 17:50

Sorry my message was confusing twaddle...

Just to clarify, the question asking why OP wasn't there is totally irrelevant.

The questions that you expected your DH to ask are relevant but there will be a chance to ask those questions before the operation.

JamieXeed74 · 04/05/2017 17:51

Lots of people have different priorities. Some people need to know lots of details other people are content to be more relaxed. I think YABU, if you wanted to know the information you should have went to the appointment, obviously your DH didn't feel he needed to find out every little thing about the procedure.

Lindaaelizabeth · 04/05/2017 17:53

It's a lesson learned, not to expect too much from a man. They are different, just the way they are made

EllenMP · 04/05/2017 17:54

I'm with you, Dr Seuss. My DH drives me by crazy not asking his own doctor questions that seem obvious to me. There is some kind of ostrich-type magical thinking going on there. I am sure if he had to take one of our kids to the doctor on his own he too would come home with zero useful information and I would be equally annoyed.

RascalMcRascal · 04/05/2017 17:56

You need to find out beforehand as she may need to fast. They won't do the procedure if she needs to be fasted and hasn't been.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 17:57

"male inefficiency" from the OP, now we've got "lesson learned, not to expect too much from a man".

Sexism is awful whether it's directed to women or men.

Lallypop · 04/05/2017 18:01

Is this a post to vent your anger at DH or MIL

Original poster

DrSeuss · 04/05/2017 18:02

Unfortunately, due to having lost both parents by the age of 36, I have enormous experience of hospitals, nearly all of it positive, and honestly never found retaining what I was told that difficult. My father died in 2004 and I still recall it all only too well, not just his death but all the discussions and procedures that led up to it. I just do, requires no effort.

OP posts:

BillyDaveysDaughter · 04/05/2017 18:03

I'm frequently amazed by how scathing and nasty people are about their partners/spouses on MN. We all get the needle, lord knows my DH is a bad tempered impatient impossible man occasionally, but he is also pretty awesome the rest of the time. What about loyalty? I posted something on FB on a gardening group about my DH being a gardener but having no interest in our own garden, and it turned into a frenzy of berating him and suggesting I refuse to cook or wash his socks. WTF?

We're human. I'm academic and hold down a responsible job and I'm always doing stupid shit as my DH is fond of pointing out. God forbid I should be less than perfect at all times.

Original poster

DrSeuss · 04/05/2017 18:05

Well, MIL trained him up or failed to and allowed him to get away with all kinds of shit. She can find an excuse for anything he has cocked up and it's NEVER his fault. However, he has been an adult for quite some time now so he is surely responsible for his own actions.

OP posts:

ruthsmumkath · 04/05/2017 18:06

I'm an adult with post grad qualifications etc - I wouldn't of asked - I would expect to be told important stuff and trust the surgeon etc on the day to make the best call.

Original poster

DrSeuss · 04/05/2017 18:08

I still have no idea if he WAS told. He has no idea if he was told. Maybe he was. I suspect he was but we'll never know.

OP posts:

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