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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:
Casmama · 03/05/2017 09:31

OP I think some people see AIBU and then deliberately argue with the OP. They take a stance which is often irrational and offensive - "neurotic and cruel" FFS- just for the sake of an argument.

Your dh has clearly fucked up here- whether or not he want d the info, he knew you did and you asked him to get the information.

Isuspect had he come out and said "so sorry, I forgot to ask, let me just call the secretary/surgeon and find out" you would not be anywhere near as annoyed.

Instead, he tries to blame you for being unreasonable about wanting to know and is offering no solutions to find the information - so he's washed his hands of it and it is now your problem. This is after you working with him to discuss the necessary questions beforehand.

I'm not surprised you are annoyed op. YANBU, he has totally fucked up and left you to fix things.

To those of you saying you don't need to know - fuck off- you don't get to decide what the op needs to k ow when her child is going for surgery.

MrTCakes · 03/05/2017 09:31

Op I would be pissed off too.

Does your 5 year old have a friend who could take time off school and go with her next time?

KingLooieCatz · 03/05/2017 09:36

Also staggered by the number of parents who would apparently not feel it important to explain to a child what will happen to them in hospital. The difference between being conscious and seeing and hearing the procedure and needing to fast beforehand, being put under a general, you won't feel a thing, it'll be like falling asleep and when you wake up it will all be done, but you will feel groggy for a while.

If it's an emergency or the plan has to be changed you're stuck with it, but it's common sense that you would discuss it with the child first.

Perhaps common sense has taken the day off.

QuiteUnfitBit · 03/05/2017 09:42

I just don't get the big deal. DH comes back without the info you want, so just ask him to ring and find out. Why all the belittling? My DD had a similar (two) operation(s), and it's easy to forget something during the consultation. Why stress over something that your DH can just go away and sort out?

keeplooking · 03/05/2017 09:45

I don't think it's anything to do with lack of intelligence or common sense. The male brain must be wired differently. I'm continually amazed by the lack of importance dh attaches to detail. He seems to skim through life at a v. superficial level by my standards, ignoring all the minutiae which I find so significant and necessary. We've both survived thus far, and he's managed not to damage the dc irreparably with his cavalier ways, but it does annoy the hell out of me!

Firesuit · 03/05/2017 09:46

Instead of casting him in the role of incompetent employee, either do the job yourself, or hand over the whole job to him and stay out of it. If not finding out the anaesthesia type really matters, then it will affect him not you, as he will be the one dealing with the issues.

A micro-managed person may do a job less competently than one who is given responsibility, because they have not fully absorbed the reasons for the 101 instructions about what to do, and therefore (unavoidably) have less motivation to carry them out.

Essentially you have taken a one-person job and divided it in two, ensuring it will only be done properly if you are two parts of a hive mind where each part is identical in knowledge, skills and approach to thinking.

rightwhine · 03/05/2017 09:46

YANBU

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 03/05/2017 09:48

I always much prefer to send my DH to things like this, as he remains calmer and remembers more - I tend to get a bit anxious in medical situations, my mind goes blank and I forget everything! And I'm the one with the post-grad quals Wink

So personally, I'd cut him a bit of slack but make sure he's the one who chases up the question. It was part of his job to find it out in the first place.

BornStroppy · 03/05/2017 09:51

Meh. You could have just called them rather than all this angsty shit. You're hardly fixing the issue if you're speaking to a bunch of strangers for moral suppor instead of communicating with your partner.

Lweji · 03/05/2017 09:54

On one hand, I was going to post that anyone can forget things like this. I know I easily could in the middle of everything.

On the other hand, I'd go "shit, I forgot to ask".

If the doctor didn't hand in a list of things to do at home before showing up, then I suspect you're not supposed to do anything.

And I'd just answer any questions from the child with "the doctors haven't decided yet and they will let us know".

BTW, if you do things like this
I told him what to ask, all simple stuff, I highlighted relevant parts of the appointment letter. Frankly, it was a bit like preparing my Year Nines for a test!
This is micromanaging.
I bet he's not micromanaged at work.
Let him work out what he needs to know and find out. Let him be in charge of it. Including when your DD has the op. He takes the days off and sorts out her hospital stay.

When he says you're unreasonable, what exactly does he think you're being unreasonable about?

jojo2916 · 03/05/2017 09:56

Perhaps you have better communication skills than your dh I'm sure there's things he's more skilled at than you if you think about it? Eg I'm good at the communication side of things but if I'm not that assertive when it's needed and my dp is better at that, he's better at cooking and diy I'm better at cleaning I certainly wouldn't talk about him like he's a naughty little boy we all have strengths and weaknesses ,you inculded op

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2017 10:03

Does your 5 year old have a friend who could take time off school and go with her next time?

Why, because a fellow five year old would be more competent than the OP, DH? Grin

And to another poster, no, men's brains aren't 'wired differently' - most of them are perfectly capable of completing simple tasks and asking basic questions. They're perfectly competent when they want to be.

IloveBanff · 03/05/2017 10:26

SweetLuck how can you not know the difference between local and general anaesthetics? Confused

maggiso · 03/05/2017 10:29

NHS hospitals seem to give either pre- op appointments ( A few days/ weeks before the op) when important details are discussed and tests and information needed for the surgery are gathered or send out clear instruction sheets about the anaesthesia and procedure and do the pre- op checks on the day. That's what has always happened to me - ds has only ever had emergency ops so the procedures are different.
I must admit I tend to forget important questions sometimes. It's really the job of the health care professional to get anaesthetic information to you- so if it was not discussed at this appointment, my guess is the clinic appointment was just to decide the next step (healed well -list for surgery) and the next step (operative decisions and information to the patient) will follow- probably in the post.
Hope it all goes as well as it can.

fascicle · 03/05/2017 10:52

DrSeuss.
It's to remove wires on a broken elbow. I was told when they were put in that it could be local or general.

Did you ask why the procedure might be carried out under local and general anaesthetic respectively? Presumably that would give a clue as to which was more likely for your child.

Lweji · 03/05/2017 10:55

I'd assume that for a 5 year old they would use general anaesthetic, TBH.
Unless they'd consider it too risky for this particular child, or the position of the wires meant it was really easy to remove all.

NavyandWhite · 03/05/2017 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olddear · 03/05/2017 11:09

I honestly can't understand posters saying he 'forgot one question' it was quite an important one though.....wasn't he interested to know himself whether it was an LA or a GA? Then he could have a little chat on the way home about what is likely to happen. It's his lack of 'involvement' that surprises me.

WhisperingLoudly · 03/05/2017 11:25

piglet Yes but in my very considerable experience as a patient that info is given either in writing or at the pre op not at the stage the OP is at

And in my experience it is. And if it wasn't given it is requested.

Redredredrose · 03/05/2017 11:40

If not finding out the anaesthesia type really matters, then it will affect him not you, as he will be the one dealing with the issues

But it won't just be him - it'll also affect their five year old daughter, and that will obviously have a knock on effect for the OP.

I don't think YABU at all, and I suspect that, if he had just said 'Oh shit, sorry, I'll call and ask right away' then you'd have been a lot less annoyed.

Olddear · 03/05/2017 12:23

Anaesthesia is normally discussed in a 'we can do under local anaesthetic ' or 'we'll have to do it under GA, you'll only be in for a day' in my experience, when someone has been told they need a procedure carried out their first response is 'will it be done under GA/LA' and 'how long will I be in?'

squishee · 03/05/2017 18:44

Aaand by the end of the thread OP is Ling TB Grin

opinionatedfreak · 03/05/2017 18:48

I'd be surprised if they did this under local for a 5yo.

You should get a further letter with fasting instructions, but at my place we fast the local kids too (who are usually much older than 5) in case they need conversion to a GA. The appointment letter might have a link to pre-op information (my hospital has a video on our website) or include a leaflet. if not the royal college of anaesthetists has some leaflets written for children on their website. The one for 5yo kids is Rees Bear.

You know your child but I wouldn't make a big deal about it or give too much advance notice.m presumably she has already had a GA?

DOI: paediatric anaesthetist.

Lweji · 03/05/2017 19:07

Aaand by the end of the thread OP is Ling TB grin

You never know.

How come nobody has suggested it yet?

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2017 19:08

and I suspect that, if he had just said 'Oh shit, sorry, I'll call and ask right away' then you'd have been a lot less annoyed.

Exactly. The way the OP has portrayed it, her DH is just standing there like a big lump, shrugging his shoulders and saying, 'I dunno'. I'm envisaging Kevin the teenager, but that's probably unfair.

I can't imagine she would've been moved to start a thread if he'd instantly reacted along the lines redrose says above. Because, yes, we do all make mistakes. Which is probably why the OP is understandably so annoyed.

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