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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 04/05/2017 18:11

i am utterly amazed by the posters who are saying its no big deal not to know beforehand, you can just ask the surgical team on the day...wtf ?????

its a really big deal....and the OP and her DH have to make arrangements depending . You cannot just rock up to the hospital child in tow and then go ' oh i didnt know they were having an general anesthetic , we didnt bring any pjs for them, or stuff for us, oh and i need to be at work tomorrow'

its is the most basic question, and i am baffled by the posters who seem to think it is trivial . Not just for the OP who needs to know to plan and organise for the event but for the hospital staff and surgical team....child might need to be starved / fasted beforehand. You need to prepare your child for what is going to happen, and the fact they might need to stay in, etc...

QuiteUnfitBit · 04/05/2017 18:12

I just think it's so sad you are still with someone you have such a low opinion of. You sound just like how my mother treated my father when I was a child.

However, he has been an adult for quite some time now so he is surely responsible for his own actions. But you still blame his mother.

Toysintheattic29 · 04/05/2017 18:14

God, WHY are you all going in about the minutiae? It's perfectly unreasonable for the bloke not to get all the info, but to have a debate over it seems totally pointless. He didn't find out; he should have done; ring the surgeons secretary to find out; get over it for f---s sake!

sophe · 04/05/2017 18:15

Truth? He is not as interested and engaged with his family as you are. He did the minimum you asked. He assumes you will take responsibility for the family so he does not have to. You have acquired a dependant (at best) not a partner, as do many wives. He would not want to lose you but don't expect him to carry any real psychic weight. It will grind you down or you will leave. Good luck with that.

iMogster · 04/05/2017 18:29

I had an operation recently and had fasted ahead of the GA as requested. The surgeon told me loads of people don't read the info sheet or eat breakfast anyway and then are annoyed their surgery is cancelled. I expect a sheet with all the info will be sent in the post to you.

Dilligaf81 · 04/05/2017 18:40

Wow you can't win op can you.
Either your infantcising him with specific questions or should no better and have given him a list.
Apparently no one in a healthy relationship would moan about their partner on here not sure that poster knows what mumsnet is about.
YANBU he is her dad and should know what procedure she is having and how. They type of anaesthetic is important as parental history with such things can be relevant.
I'd be annoyed, I'd possibly moan on here as well but he should realise as a parent he needs to be competent.
I know if something happened to me my dc would be cared for as well by my dh as they are now. He knows how they like their hair, food, allergies etc I don't see why this is a females role.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 18:59

My stepdad died recently. I was there asking the pertinent questions and making sure there was enough oxygen in the last few days of his life (he was in a care home as too disabled for hospital). I think you either are or aren't that way inclined.

But personally I think you should ltb . Has no one else said it?

mumof3boys33 · 04/05/2017 19:00

I haven't read the whole thread. But if it is a general anaesthetic she will get called in beforehand for pre med...surely?

mathanxiety · 04/05/2017 19:00

Sounds as if there is plenty besides this one thing that has left you saying 'wtaf?'

Do you often find you're often 'sending a boy on a man's errand' as my dad used to say?

As a matter of practicality, just call the doctor's office and ask for the details yourself.

I would be very annoyed that I had to do this, because it is very important not just for the sake of prep for the op but for your own arrangement wrt work to know what will be involved.

But the big picture is someone who thinks 'someone else' should handle the details because his mind is occupied with more important things, or someone who is so engaged in trying to look like he doesn't need to know the details that he doesn't ask, and isn't concerned about how much it will inconvenience you to have to track down the details yourself. Someone who is preoccupied with himself, on other words.

K00kie · 04/05/2017 19:01

Wow, I'm astonished how many understanding, forgiving and magnanimous people have posted on this thread, completely missing the OP's point in the process! It's not about whether she'll get a letter from hospital or not. The point is that she can't trust her husband in carrying out a pretty basic but a very important task relating to their child. Not for the first time either. And not a task that's beyond him - his job and education are relevant here as they show he's highly intelligent, well organised and able to interact with people on a high level. Not the type who gets cowed by a surgeon. He was either not paying attention because he was distracted by other business, or couldn't be bothered. Either way, not great, especially if he can't even see the problem.

I would be furious, OP. And very disappointed in him, especially if it's not a one-off situation. If you can't trust him, it's like having another child rather than a supportive partner who shares parental responsibilities.

The option is for you to take over all childcare responsibilities in the future, but it's not OK, is it? You're not a single mother after all.

I don't know what the solution might be, other than talking too him and hoping he'll understand your point of view. But it's a lot to hope for.

Xanadu44 · 04/05/2017 19:02

YANBU. If you asked him to check he should have checked. It seems really infuriating that he doesn't know something that seems really important, I can't see how he missed it either. I'm angered for you!!

Sara107 · 04/05/2017 19:05

I agree with you op, this sort of unhelpfulness is annoying. My dh indulges in it, and it ends up being easier to do things yourself, because even having giving detailed instructions doesn't seem to get the thing done.

user1469987506 · 04/05/2017 19:05

Would be really knarked....as a grown man responsible for taking his child to a hospital appt I would assume it was one of the most relevant questions. But hey at least he made it to the correct location so well done him!!!!!!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 19:09

OP I find your level of anger over what has happened to be a bit worrying. While he could (and perhaps should) have asked those questions, it isn't too late to get the answers. Your DH is probably anxious about his son having an operation - can you be a bit kinder to that fact and just realise that you can still find out the information you need? I understand you're anxious too but going in on his mum, blaming her for raising him, acting like he's totally useless etc - I don't think that reaction is healthy. I'm trying to tread carefully here because I know you are worried and I understand, but being overly harsh on your DH when he made a very human mistake by not asking those questions, is not going to solve anything.

K00kie · 04/05/2017 19:19

Contrary to the previous poster, I understand why you're angry at his mum as well, OP. She can't see a problem with her son's incompetence either. If she finds male inefficiency endearing, she must have run the home by herself, not expecting the men to contribute in any way. Now you're reaping the consequences.

Areyoulocal · 04/05/2017 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jocarter67 · 04/05/2017 19:21

Has he been given a date? If not you will receive a letter telling you all the information you need, it will state which anaesthetic he is having and also weather fasting is needed or not

TroubleInSnowland · 04/05/2017 19:21

Is it k-wires? My 6 year old had them removed without any anaesthetic so it may be a case that the reason your DH didn't think to ask the question, is because the dr said they would just pull them out.

Jaybee99 · 04/05/2017 19:21

He failed to either ask a question or recall the doctor's comment. Patients - and their parents - are famous for being unable to recall quite important details of stuff the doctor has just explained to him. This is really very, very common.

What IS interesting, however, is the amount of annoyance from the OP and many others posting comments. It is a little overdone to say the least. Just find out the answer to the drug question and move on, FFS.

Lweji · 04/05/2017 19:26

Well, MIL trained him up or failed to and allowed him to get away with all kinds of shit.

Was he orphan of father?

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/05/2017 19:32

Why is it interesting?

If it's something he does regularly (and not just in a blind-sided, doctor/patient scenario), then it's annoying.

If it's the OP who has to then step in and phone up - or get him to phone up, because it doesn't occur to him to do it - then it's annoying.

Is it the end of the world? No. But it's annoying.

Made more annoying by the fact that he's perfectly capable in other scenarios.

falange · 04/05/2017 19:33

Yabu. Why does a load of paper qualifications mean he should be more likely to ask a question?? Just because you'd have asked doesn't mean he has to do the same. If she'd been having a general they would have said ffs.

Jaybee99 · 04/05/2017 19:44

Why is it interesting?

If it's something he does regularly (and not just in a blind-sided, doctor/patient scenario), then it's annoying.

*If it's the OP who has to then step in and phone up - or get him to phone up, because it doesn't occur to him to do it - then it's annoying.

Is it the end of the world? No. But it's annoying.

Made more annoying by the fact that he's perfectly capable in other scenarios.*

Suit yourself. Get very annoyed. All the time.... Sheesh.

fascicle · 04/05/2017 19:49

OP, you came aware from the previous appointment thinking the operation could be done under general or local anaesthetic. Given that you now know that's not the case, either you misunderstood, or you were misinformed. Either way, your husband was not the only person lacking clarity on the subject.

pennypickle · 04/05/2017 19:51

*And yes, you should obviously have something in writing.

If it wasn't given to him today, it will no doubt arrive in the post*

Exactly this...

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