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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:
FrenchMartiniTime · 03/05/2017 09:00

I think you are being a bit OTT. Just phone the hospital or wait for the letter, it will tell you everything you need to know.

The drip feeds about your husbands job are irrelevant and odd Hmm

C8H10N4O2 · 03/05/2017 09:01

The OP DH's job is irrelevant as is her availability to attend the appointment.

DH is also a parent with equal responsibility. There is no reason why an intelligent adult can't focus their esoteric thoughts on the problem at hand and think it through rather than doing the minimum and assuming a woman will plaster over the gaps.

This acceptance of faux uselessness drives me nuts.

NavyandWhite · 03/05/2017 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostPeppers · 03/05/2017 09:01

I'm Shock at some comments btw.
So this guy is just forgetful so .... his WIFE should be ringing back to find out. Errrr why??? It was his responsibility to find out, he was 'reminded' (which he shouldn't have needed to) about it. That's his responsibility to ring back and find out.
Would you expect HIM to ring back if the OP had forgotten to ask that essential question??

what would he get out from 'deliberate incompetence'?
Again .... not hard. Avoiding to do the things he doesn't want to do. That goes for putting the washing to go and being unable to work out how a washing machine works to using some thinking space and thinking about the needs of his dd or having to take some time off work for something that isn't a 'manly activity' nor something seen as important (or as important as his important job)

male inefficiency isn't harsh, he is male and has been totally inefficient/incompetent.
And IMO not sexist as such. Just the statement of a situation where men aren't supposed to think about those pesky and uninteresting things related to children, even if it's about surgery and the health of their child.
I will be happy this onnever say anything like this when men in general will see looking after their own dcs as much their responsibility as it is the one of the mother. Wh DH we are nowhere near atm.

LostPeppers · 03/05/2017 09:03

But why why is it up to HER to ring the hospital back or to give him a list???
Is that not ENABLING his incompetence and telling him HE doesn't have to make any effort because SHE will always be there to pick up the pieces anyway?

Funnyonion17 · 03/05/2017 09:08

Would you expect HIM to ring back if the OP had forgotten to ask that essential question??

It was her question, he forgot one thing. Jeez. Her reaction is neurotic and cruel tbh. I forget to ask questions myself at medical appointments, i ring back if need be. He or she can ring, it doesn't matter who. I suspect she will be one of those long term posters on MN in a few years, saying her DH has left her and she totally lacks the self awareness as of why. Total lack of love and respect imo.

NavyandWhite · 03/05/2017 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeJubbly · 03/05/2017 09:09

Since when does academia have anything to do with common sense?

This a million times.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/05/2017 09:15

So some of you on here never forget anything? How I would love to be so perfect!

He forgot to ask ONE question. Whether you or him can contact the hospital and find out.

Anything about fasting will be in any confirmation letters in my experience.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/05/2017 09:16

Isnt it amazing how professional men manage to remember all the pertinent information relating to their jobs, their managers and their career but "forget" important stuff about their own kids, homes and wives.

"Do it yourself" or "Ah bless him men are crap like that...." is just more excuse making that makes them think that they can leave it all to the Missus.

Personally I have higher expectations, but then I wouldnt have married a fuckwit who couldnt find his arse with both hands as some of you seem happy to do.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/05/2017 09:18

I think you are giving him an unreasonably hard time.

I would expect dh would be the same. If the appointment hasn't been booked for the surgery and it sounds like there are further appointments before the surgery he might have felt, when he was there and in the context of how the appointment was going, it wasn't an appropriate time to ask yet.

If I was there I would have asked those type of questions as I like to know everything in advance and find it frustrating not knowing, but dh is more of a take the information as it comes type of person. He isn't academic Hmm, has loads of common sense (probably more than me!), takes loads of responsibility for ds, he just does things differently and if he didn't get answers to the questions I wanted to know it would be 50/50 who's issue that was, mine for wanting to know now or dh's for not asking until he sees as the appropriate time.

Aside from you laying all the blame/criticism on your dh, neither of you is wrong , if you want to know all the information in advance you need to go to the appointments, if you cant go ask him if he would ask your list of written questions but accept he might not ask if they don't seem appropriate at the time, or accept he does things differently and wait till the next appointment before getting the information.

LostPeppers · 03/05/2017 09:19

Funny it was HER question... REALLY??
Because, as a FATHER! He doesn't want to know what sort of anaesthesia will be used? Nor does he want to know how to get his DC reasyfor the OP? He really really doesn't need to ask that question, it's just something unessential and that doesn't really need one known (by him) .
Yep. That is only true if he is also not the one to get the dc ready for surgery or not to take her to hospital on th day. Only true if he has no responsibility into it.
I would have hoped he has TBH.

tosend · 03/05/2017 09:19

Honestly with these comments it's no wonder some women raise their boys to be half arsed men.

1AnnoyingOrange · 03/05/2017 09:20

I think you are being harsh. He is human. Men and women come out of hospital appointments missing key questions etc. I don't think you will get the best out of him by prepping him for this type of thing. I think the more you baby, the more he feels
a) he is always not going to do it well enough
b) he doesnt have to think about it, as you already have

Yes of course he should have asked. I am sure he would agree.

Just assume it is general. Or get him to ring the secretary.

NavyandWhite · 03/05/2017 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/05/2017 09:20

Total lack of love and respect imo.

By her DH not bothering to check basic but key information before surgery? Well that may be a bit harsh but he has dropped the ball and should both acknowledge that and make the call to address it.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 09:22

Who said it showed a "total lack of love and respect"??? You have issues... Shock
Jesus help your partner, whoever you are

DJBaggySmalls · 03/05/2017 09:26

YANBU, its not like sending the car to the garage. Olddear Wed 03-May-17 08:37:52 summed it up. Some people plan their holidays more efficiently.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2017 09:28

I'm pretty sure if a man wrote the OP, calling his wife incompetent for forgetting to ask a pertinent question, he'd be strung up by the penis.

"Oh, so you thought you'd made it clear to her, she should ask? Well excuse her for being such a 'silly little woman' that she forgot!"

"She was probably stressed about her 5yr old DD, having an operation. Are you always so perfect?"

"Oh, so she has post grad qualifications, so you now expect her to be perfect in every single way?"

But mostly....

"Fuck off with your 'female inefficiency".

Got to love MN sometimes Grin'

NavyandWhite · 03/05/2017 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 03/05/2017 09:29

if it helps its highly unlikely they will remove wires/plates from broken elbow under local for a 5 yr old. I had wires pins and plates removed from both ankles at different times and the boney pain was as much as when they were put in and I was an adult. They may do it as a day case but expect a general in my view.

And yes you were not being unreasonable to expect him to perk up pay attention and deal with it properly - its not like you have a medical degree either so why shouldn't he bloody know - common sense is something you can choose to have by paying attention and being interested

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2017 09:30

This is nothing to do with 'academia' vs 'common sense'.

If the man is capable of holding down a job - any job, but in this case one with some demands on his intelligence - then he's capable of negotiating his way thorough a medical appointment.

In other words, if he can count to 1000, then it's not unreasonable to expect him to be able to count to 10.

Besides, he has form.

It would drive me nuts if DH was like this. Just absolving himself of thinking, and being an adult when the situation demanded it.

TiredMumToTwo · 03/05/2017 09:31

I totally get it, have experienced this oh so many times - I think I now begrudgingly accept that if the job is important I need to do it myself!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/05/2017 09:31

I agree Worra

KingLooieCatz · 03/05/2017 09:31

Staggered by the male incompetence apologists on here.

It might be one question but it was probably the single most important question.

A 5 year old is going in for surgery. If it is at all possible to explain to them in advance whether they will be awake or asleep during the surgery, a semi-decent parent would strive to do so.

It is intensely irritating when one parent thinks they're doing the other a favour to do even a half arsed job of it e.g. DH forgets yet again to tell me his shifts have changed and I will need to re-arrange my job so that DS can be collected from school. If it were me, the shift change wouldn't get as far as my diary without me clocking that alternative arrangements need to be made.

There is some relevance to the job. On reminding DH a millionth time of some simple household responsibility I have asked what he would think of a colleague who had to be reminded that number of times how to complete basic tasks. "They'd be got rid of" was the answer with a face he could trip over. Precisely. Please treat your family with the same as respect as you do your colleagues. These husbands sure as hell remember the things that matter to them.

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