Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be amazed my husband didn't ask the doctor?

236 replies

DrSeuss · 02/05/2017 23:21

If your five year old had to have a minor operation which is sometimes done under general a aesthetic and sometimes local, and husband went to the hospital to discuss this today, would you expect him to know which form of anaesthetic will be used? Apparently, despite me clearly reminding him to ask, he has no idea! Seemed a fairly basic question to me. Would be handy to know if she has to fast or not, how much time I should ask for as LOA etc, don't you think? I couldn't get the time off today but thought a man with advanced post grad qualifications might be able to handle this. Makes me realize that I have to be the one to accompany my child if I want anything sorted out.
Unlike my MIL, I do not find male inefficiency cute or endearing, just infuriating! Yes, we can ring and ask but surely it's a basic question to ask and which I thought I'd made clear he should ask. To top it all, he left DD's tube of eczema cream in the middle of the bathroom floor and someone trod on it!

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 03/05/2017 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frazzled2207 · 03/05/2017 07:55

Yanbu! In this scenario I would have whatasapped my dh questions. He's perfectly capable of asking questions but not necessarily the same ones as the ones I want answers to.

But yes that's a fairly basic thing!

Crumbs1 · 03/05/2017 08:00

You don't need to know yet though. Your child will have a pre-op assessment, you'll have written information when hospital confirm arrangements and there won't be much difference in recovery times. The elbow will,take same length of time to heal and anaesthetic is out of system pretty quickly these days. It would only be a light general.
Odd not to ask but not a big issue really.

MorrisZapp · 03/05/2017 08:00

Of course your not being unreasonable. Pathetic show from your dh.

MrSlant · 03/05/2017 08:01

Ah well a) I totally get why you are annoyed but I wouldn't personally have been surprised. Although this is partly why I am now single Wink and b) my 6 year old had k wires removed from a broken elbow and this was done under general anaesthetic, requiring a day stay on the ward, home that evening as he'd tolerated the anaesthetic well. Unless they are practically falling out themselves I would expect general.

Trollspoopglitter · 03/05/2017 08:01

I get the correlation with job and quals. You need to be logical and deal with facts. You don't need an ounce of commons sense to ask logical questions about an operation, such as Intake of liquids and foods beforehand. It's logical and given his professional background, should be autopilot type of response.

LadyPW · 03/05/2017 08:04

Mumsnet is full of people who (again for example) can't ask a neighbour a simple question because they see basic communication as 'confrontation', and people who are awkward/forgetful in certain unfamiliar situations.
^^ This, and what Hic said about people forgetting much of what is said in consults. I get stressed out in situations like this and so I have to do myself a list to take with me. Even then, unless you're seeing someone who talks slow enough for you to be able to butt in with questions as they become relevant, it can be difficult to get the opportunity to ask.
Not every episode like this involves a man being deliberately obtuse to try and get out of further family involvement - they are actually human like the rest of us! People get stressed, forget the obvious, get distracted, aren't given the opportunity.....

Mulberry72 · 03/05/2017 08:06

Common sense & academia do not go hand in hand (My DH and DF are living proof of this).

They'll tell you at the pre-op assessment what type of anaesthesia they will be using, and then it's usually (IME) followed up in the letter with the appointment too.

No biggie this I'm afraid.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 03/05/2017 08:11

It's important for you to understand OP that it isn't his fault for being useless, it's yours for not being there. Because this is your responsibility. You have no right to expect your other child's parent to do basic adulting. He did you a favour by even going.

That's what you should take from this thread.

NormaSmuff · 03/05/2017 08:12

i forget too, and I am female, like a rabbit in the headlights sometimes.
the surgeon should have been clear.
perhaps they havent decided yet?

slightlyglitterbrained · 03/05/2017 08:17

YANBU OP. DP would probably not ask exactly the same questions that I would but would return with an extensive report and would damn well have checked whether it was local or general.

I'm actually pretty shocked at the number of people of this thread saying that their male partners can't really be trusted to be competent with their child's care. DP and I may argue about what is best for DS but at the end of the day he loves him and DS's welfare is the most important thing in the world to him. If he wasn't "good at asking questions" he would make himself good at it.

Patchouli666 · 03/05/2017 08:21

They might aim for local but proceed to sedation or general if it is too painful for her. You'll probably be given instructions to withhold food and give water only from 12am night before for a morning procedure. Or from 8am the day of an afternoon procedure ( light brekkie and drink but only water after 8). Better to hedge your bets with children and be prepared for any eventuality so you don't have to rebook

WhisperingLoudly · 03/05/2017 08:23

I'd be pissed off too - I'm really not sure why you're getting such a hard time here Hmm other than people like being snipey for the sake of it

Most parents would be anxious about the idea of their young DC having a general anaesthetic and so the procedure would be at the forefront of their mind.

cdtaylornats it's not about arguing with the surgeon (although one might and would be perfectly entitled to) it's that a general requires fasting and has a different recovery profile.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/05/2017 08:29

it's that a general requires fasting and has a different recovery profile.

Yes but in my very considerable experience as a patient that info is given either in writing or at the pre op not at the stage the OP is at.

Garlicansapphire · 03/05/2017 08:30

Yup thats annoying and lacking in common sense. Whether its local or general anaesthetic makes quite a difference and would probably have come up at the meeting - your DH just didn't take notice. Lets hope they send you the details - or else you could ring your GP?

I'm not sure why anyone would judge you for raising this or not being at the appointment.

MissWilmottsGhost · 03/05/2017 08:32

YABU

I'm a scientist, a biologist in fact, I still know fuck all about surgery and always have to write a list of questions when I go to the GP as I forget the important things.

Your DH is a chemist and a human being He forgot to ask or forgot the answer. Just ring up, or ask him to ring up.

Olddear · 03/05/2017 08:37

I was a nurse for many years. People would be having a consultation lasting 5/10/15mins or more.

You could guarantee (and it would usually be men) I would ask
'What did the Dr tell you?'
'Nothing' information needed to be prised out of them..... Because they genuinely believed they had been given no information!

Or, if they attended accompanied by their wife, they stopped listening in the understanding that their wife would listen and she would deal with any information, further tests, appointments etc.
YANBU OP.

MerryMarigold · 03/05/2017 08:39

MN is also full of people who never make mistakes themselves, find it hard to forgive mistakes in other people, and (ironically) mistakenly think that bashing the mistake-maker will stop it happening again. Mostly it just damages the relationship. But you all keep going...

Penfold007 · 03/05/2017 08:41

It's nothing to do with common sense it's (deliberate) incompetence. He isn't like this in his professional life.

BarbarianMum · 03/05/2017 08:43

Don't rescue him. You need the information, he doesn't have it so let him chase it. I'm sure he can do that at least.

FutureChicken · 03/05/2017 08:46

Oh I get you. My dh has a job which entails impressive communication, planning, knowledge etc. Impressive qualifications. At home he acts like a 10 yr old and it drives me spare, for example he'll sit and get all hangry, despite there being food in the fridge/ having the ability to talk and ask (let alone actually contributing to the food shop).

Personally I'm cynical and think it's part of getting out of things, acting incompetent to get out of chores. For example he still pleads ignorance on washing machine cycles despite washing his own stuff when desperate, and us having a really simple machine. If he goes to medical appts I'm expected to be grateful he turned up and be amazed he managed at all. Yet he'd probably forget her date of birth, let alone have to contribute to a vital discussion on epilepsy medication or progress.

The thing is someone HAS to do these things. What if the OP also forgot? What if the letter doesn't say it? What if on the day she'd fed the child, or not prepared in some way, like having enough time off due to an unreported problem? If I didn't retain the info my dd would be probably subject to child protection proceedings by now with no medication etc. When you have kids you just must step up sometimes, and often the woman is forced to. It's not about this one specific incident but generally not stepping up to co-parenting. It terrifies me if I was ill or died my dh wouldn't cope at all or know the basics (I was once ill for a week and posted a rant on here when I came home to a tip, poor diet etc and got similar excuses about how rough it was for HIM, let alone the fact I was ill and had to sort it all out fresh after discharge)

Funnyonion17 · 03/05/2017 08:46

Male inefficiency? That's really harsh and tbh quite sexist. So he forgot, can't you just ring up and ask rather then bash him with it

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 08:47

What would he get out of "deliberate incompetence"? Jesus!

QuintessentialShadow · 03/05/2017 08:49

My husband is the same. He is on a different planet. If he demonstrated the same level of efficiency there, he would not keep a job long. That's why the job is relevant. Same goes for him.

I know it cant compare, but dh took ds2 to a club to do a specific sport, and came back having signed himself up too. (Landing me with an invoice of £70 for his fees). He did not think about the time the club is running, and that the person going there should be supervising their child, he anticipated he would partiticipate, despite knowing that he is usually not home on the day the club is running as he normally works away monday till friday. Gahhhh.

LostPeppers · 03/05/2017 08:53

I hear you OP. It is highly frustrating and also shows a lack fo responsibility on his side (I did notice too that you are the one who is taking the responsibility re preparing your DC for that surgery, thinking ahead whether they will need to fast etc...). It's not going to be the things he is being careful about or will remember because it's not his responsibility.

Tbh I would ask him to find out what is needed to prepare your dc for the surgery as clearly she wouldn't be able to have the surgery if she is eating and she was supposed to be fasting.
Explain the reason why it's essential to know, and then ask him to sort it out. Just like you would have done if you had gone to see the surgeon but 'forgot' to ask an essential question like this. (Or forgot the answer)

Fwiw I'm pretty sure I always received all the instructions re fasting etc... with the appointment letter. If you haven't received it yet, it might still come.

Long term, imwould be very careful to hand him over some responsibility re looking after HIS child. From ensuring there is enough clothes/uniforms for the week to wondering what to do re the surgery or taking some time off from work to be there with her when she goes in.