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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
Westray · 02/05/2017 15:54

No.

NataliaOsipova · 02/05/2017 15:54

No. I think it "institutionalises" children at a formative age. A bit of space at home to get away from peee group pressures is invaluable, I think.

NataliaOsipova · 02/05/2017 15:54

....peer group - sorry!

Apairofsparklingeyes · 02/05/2017 15:54

Op, the reasons that you've given your DH against boarding I.e. wanting to see your DC every night are perfectly valid. There is nothing wrong with wanting children to grow up living at home in a loving, supportive family atmosphere together with their siblings and parents. However wonderful boarding schools are, they can't possibly replace the emotional bonds that are formed by being at home with family every night.

Sparklingbrook · 02/05/2017 15:55

Not a chance. Nor would they have wanted to go.

Roussette · 02/05/2017 15:56

How on earth can it be in their best interests? (unless you are in the Forces or have to move a lot etc). Surely the best interests with children are served by being with their Mum and Dad or whatever the set up is as far as parents? They brought you into the world and surely should be with you as you grow up.

I don't get it at all. I wanted to be there and nurture. I can't believe there won't be minutes in a day sometime or other when a child wouldn't go "Oh Mum, I was gonna ask you...." but Mum (or Dad) won't be there. Therefore you internalise surely.

Mind you... everyone I know who has boarded (and there are quite a few) have issues, I haven't come across one success story. Except on MN.

User2468 · 02/05/2017 16:00

DH asked to go to boarding school when he was a child, despite school being 15 mins from home.

If our children want to board they can, if they don't want to they don't have to!

Original poster
VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 16:01

Worra It's ok. To those wondering about the state of our relationship. I used those terms because he doesn't understand emotion - he's so logical and straight forward. When his DM died he cried and felt sad but it was almost mechanical, he felt bad that her life had ended, not because he'd lost his mother iyswim. He thinks about things in very black and white terms. This has thus far proved successful for him. I'm different in that respect. We did both end up at the same uni though.

OP posts:
FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 02/05/2017 16:06

Yes, my DH was also privately/boarding school educated.
I personally have nothing against privately eduacting our DC (I myself was for the first few years, until I went to a university prep school, not in the UK, btw...). Anyhow, DH is also very pro-boarding school.

I had a crisis last winter when I imagined our little baby daughter (still a baby back then) going to a boarding school.
But seeing as DH is the one mainly working from home/the SAHP his input definitely matters.

I think I'd be ok with weekly boarding.

DP doesn't lack attachement at all. He does sometimes lack awareness of himself, however. Like... That he can dislike things he is expected to like etc... (not sure how to explain that).

I myself actually do in some ways lack attachement and emotional awarenes. Actually, not awareness. But a lack of caring, because I am usually very aware of other people's emotions, because I - unlike him - seem to be able to just... switch it off in certain situations/where some people are concerned... And I was never a boarder.

Gosh. I think I'm making us sound like total psychopaths :=0

CPtart · 02/05/2017 16:08

No. I want DH and I to be the main influence in their lives, day in, day out. I want to take them to football, pick them up after school, listen to their little stories after a long day. I want us to all sit as a family after a long day, to bicker over washing up. Most importantly I want them to see me and their dad get up and go out to work each morning, and to see us juggle life and work. I want them to appreciate they are little cogs in a big wheel.

Plus I'd miss them.

LightYears · 02/05/2017 16:09

Never.

angryladyboobs · 02/05/2017 16:09

No no no

AtlantaGinandTonic · 02/05/2017 16:10

DH went to private and boarding schools and we've both agreed that we would only send our DCs to boarding school if they had a learning disability that meant they might benefit from the lower student to teacher ratios. Also, BIL boarded at a school that specialised in teaching dyslexic children, so that for example. Otherwise, the school that DD1 attends is fine.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2017 16:10

Ok OP, to each their own I suppose.

I just can't understand why that's something you'd want for your children, rather than something you just have to suffer, because that's how they are IYSWIM?

PolynesianGirl · 02/05/2017 16:11

It depends at what age and the maturity of the dcs and whether they are happy to do it or not.

Imo (and talking with friends who did board from Y7 which what I assume you ur DH is thinking about), you are likely to end up with an adult who has learnt a lot education wise, has learnt to stand up in their two feet (no choice) but as likely to have an adult with either less emotional intelligence or with severe MH issues. (I have seen both happening).
The fact he is looking at you Hmm when you say you would miss putting them to bed etc... says a lot for example. He doesn't seem to have learnt how to make deep intimate connections with others, maybe because he didn't get to experience it himself.

My personal conclusion from seeing the effect on those friends as well as looking at my dcs, is that Y7 would be really too young. Y10ish might be a good choice (independent enough, wanting to pbecome independent etc...)

LightYears · 02/05/2017 16:11

Who the hell invented these places.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 02/05/2017 16:11

You know that being 'bright, astute and successful' doesn't just come from attending a boarding school? Smile

It sounds like your DH would have done just as well at a top independent day school and he'd have probably learned a bit more emotional awareness into the bargain too.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2017 16:18

Yes, sounds like the psychological and emotional harm that boarding undoubtedly did to your DH has been somewhat offset by his being bright and capable to start with - fortumately. I imagine he could have done even better had he also spent his formative years as human creatures are meant to - within a close family group.

Lots of research into the harm done by taking a developing, dependant child away from their family group. I firmly believe that boarding before mid-teens should be banned.

Spikeyball · 02/05/2017 16:22

Only if there was no school that ds could attend as a day pupil, that could meet his needs. He has severe sn and it is difficult to find schools that can meet his needs so it is a possibility in the future.

BoboChic · 02/05/2017 16:25

I actually find full boarding prep school creepy, as a concept. Flexi boarding in the week is a quite different matter and I can appreciate how invaluable it is to parents who have busy working lives with late evenings and overnight travel.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 02/05/2017 16:37

(I think I may namechange after this... And I'd also like to apologise for maybe not clearly expressing what I mean, but English isn't my first language and other languages were unfortunately seen as more important in the school I went to... anyhow: )

DH is certainly bright, astute and succesful. He is also very caring and adores DD, I'm so glad she has a father like that.

Is he the most emotionally competent person ever? No. Definitely not. But neither am I... I think a lot of this is a character trait and has nothing to do with going to a boarding shcool (I didn't...)

It did take a long time to get to know what I'd call the real him, yes. And I think a lot I've only ever got to see when I got pregnant/after DD was born.

I mean, I don't know who/what he would be if he had a different life. He does "suffer" sometimes from tunnel vision/show a certain amount of disregard, yes. (But I know many men that do, tbh...)

He also has some food related issues. That's actually one thing I personally do definitely think comes from how he was raised/boarding school. But I also have food related issues and I never went to a boarding school (DH and I really are scarily similar... Ooops).

But Idk... Whilst he may be a bit of an arse he is also a brilliant man, caring father, godfather and very supportive husband.

Plus, I think I'm actually a much bigger arse than he is, I just hide it...

As I said, Idk what I think about boarding. But tbh, the difference for me between "day schools" and weekly boarding will most likely be pretty much non-existant. Which is why it should be more about DH's opinion and DD's (and DC2's) needs... But I don't like the idea of "full boarding" (is that even an English word?)

I went to highschool (not in the UK) and university with people that went to boarding school. Some of them liked it, some of them didn't.

I think it really depends on the child, the parents and the boarding school.

Hillarious · 02/05/2017 16:41

Absolutely not. We're a family and the childhood years are extremely precious. There's so much more to life during that time than schooling. What's the point of having children if you leave them for someone else to bring them up?

trixymalixy · 02/05/2017 16:42

Never in a million years.

Hillarious · 02/05/2017 16:42

Having said that, I would have given anything to go to Malory Towers.

GreenHairDontCare · 02/05/2017 16:46

Are you Princess Kate?

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