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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
Lochan · 02/05/2017 15:35

No I wouldn't choose it. Friends I have who boarded say the entire dormitory cried themselves to sleep every night.

On the other hand I also have friends whose children chose to board in their teens for a variety of reasons.

So I would say, don't decide now, see what kind of kids you have and whether it would suit them and whether they would actively choose it for themselves.

As an aside I'm very confident, very capable and independent and I lived at home until I graduated university.

PNGirl · 02/05/2017 15:36

No. I'm very introverted and an only child who could barely get through Guide camp. I would never want my child to be at the mercy of their peers 24 hours a day. Kids can be awful.

MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2017 15:36

IT completely depends on the child. If you choose a school with weekly boarding as an option then you can switch to day school if they don't like boarding or vice versa.

The DC I know who've weekly boarded have loved it but were at the right school for them.

Kokusai · 02/05/2017 15:37

No. I think it's barbaric to do it by choice.

Lol

Totally barbaric isn't my experience of boarding school.

A super sportive school, with great pastoral care and fab sports, art, music, drama facilities. I got so much out of it, and school does all the 'grunt work' like taking you to sports matches, supervising 2 hours prep a night so that at the weekend I had 'quality time' with my parents.

StinkPickle · 02/05/2017 15:37

I went to BS from age 14 and absolutely loved it.
So many opportunities and amazing friendships. Hopefully my children will want to go and I can afford it.

My parents are two of my best friends, our relationship is great and IMPROVED when I boarded as we didn't see too much of each other to argue as often.

So many people rule out boarding when they actually don't know anything about it - very sad.

upperlimit · 02/05/2017 15:38

Absolutely not. It's one of only a very few things that I get quite judgy about.

carnationlilyrose · 02/05/2017 15:38

It's not a red herring - it's very common among ex-boarders I know!

cosytoaster · 02/05/2017 15:40

No, I think it's a weird thing to do

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2017 15:41

I'm left open mouthed at the 'qualities' you actually want your children to have, OP.

You don't even sound sure whether your DH is with you because he loves you Confused

JaxingJump · 02/05/2017 15:42

Oh my word Lochan, that sounds terrible and certainly not my experience. We all cried at times, and experienced exclusion, nasty teenage dramas, etc but certainly not the entire dorm all in one go! When anyone was in tears they usually had 3-4 girls on their bed trying to cheer them up. If there were a few in tears, it was sorted out and the root was discussed and we moved forwards. There was maybe 2 of the 20 of us that suffered terrible homesickness and one girl left after the first year but she also had Tourette's and was painfully shy, the day school was cruel to her and it probably wasn't the best environment for her. That's not to say that me and my boarding school friends (many of whom I'm still very close to) don't still wonder and talk about her 25yrs later.

It was a hugely defining experience. It does teach you independence and to be honest a few tears are part and parcel of growing up.

scaevola · 02/05/2017 15:43

Maybe. At 13+ or for sixth form. If the DC wanted to, and if the school was great pastorally and offered opportunities that would be hard to find elsewhere..

prettywhiteguitar · 02/05/2017 15:43

Depends on the child and the school, there's always the option of just going from GCSEs or Alevels ? That way they can really focus on their studies, would have to really look into schools which would suit them though, that's the most important part.

From a personal perspective I think I would from 16 onwards, or if my dc wanted to do it.

JaxingJump · 02/05/2017 15:43

Kokusai, I agree with all you said.

What's your Japan link? Expat parents?

WhatHaveIFound · 02/05/2017 15:44

My DC are day pupils at a boarding school and i can see how it would benefit my very sociable DD. Maybe for 6th form only?

I don't think it would suit my introverted DS at all.

DonaldStott · 02/05/2017 15:45

No way, but then again, I don't think a top notch education is as important as having empathy for other human beings.

And just reading:

He's so incredibly independent and solo that I've often wondered if he's with me just because it's the done thing to get a girlfriend then propose to her at some point

makes me feel a bit sorry for you and your husband.

nowitcomesout · 02/05/2017 15:45

Only if it was their choice and I would always listen if they had a change of mind.

My own experience at boarding school was terrible. I pleaded to come home and was lonely and bullied. I lost faith and trust in my parents, and my siblings who were also sent away were traumatised too in their own ways. It was different times, in a different country but the harm done can never be repaired. My self esteem was so bad afterwards that I jumped into a rubbish marriage without loving that person. I thought my own dreams were unimportant and it was 20 years before I extracted myself. I am still in those shadows to some extent.

'It is for their own good' adults would say. No, it was for their own good so they could hand over responsibility and live the hedonistic lifestyle without those pesky kids round all the time. Sad

Littledidsheknow · 02/05/2017 15:45

DH and his brother boarded from age 8/9.
DH sounds a lot like yours OP... emotionally stable and reserved, sole surviving, intelligent, capable.
Love of his life is maths. He mostly enjoyed his school experience and felt he benefited from it.

His brother, on the other hand, was more emotional, clingy to his parents and artsy. Apparently he cried for weeks at the beginning of each term, was always in trouble. The school actively separated brothers, so he didn't even often see DH, who was his biggest love.
He started taking drugs whilst at school, was expelled, and was an addict for the whole of his adult life. Notice the "was" Sad

I would only consider it for a very sensible, mature older child 13+ who actually wanted to go. Though I'd still probably decide not too

Lochan · 02/05/2017 15:46

Jax your school sounds lovely. I imagine finding the right school is key.

Certainly all my boarder friends have extremely strong friendships with their school friends.

Roussette · 02/05/2017 15:49

You were a lucky one Kokusai. I know of many it did not suit and ones who didn't tell their parents because they didn't want to upset them. So they just 'made do' and in later life it's affected them. So, personally, I wouldn't want to take that chance.

fedup0f · 02/05/2017 15:50

I, my brother and husband all boarded - and though both myself and DH had a good experience of boarding (at different schools), my brother really didn't and it has definitely affected him as an adult. As someone said if it was a specialist school that the children wanted to go to gain the connections/education that they needed to succeed then I would send them. That is unlikely so definitely not. I, as an adult understand my parent's reasons for sending me away, I am very independent and capable person, however I'm not 100% convinced that boarding school influenced my personality traits that much, as I was already like this at a very young age.

In terms of career progression, we all went to small boarding schools, so not the Eton type, so though we received a good independent education, we would have done so as day children.

For my children it is irrelevant as we would be unable to afford 4 sets of boarding fees, but even if this wasn't an issue I wouldn't send them to boarding school.

AlexanderHamilton · 02/05/2017 15:50

Yes I would. In fact dd is boarding this week as dh who usually takes her to school is working away. My preference would be weekly boarding.

However she comes under the school specialising in catering for a particular talent category. The main reason she doesn't board full time is financial.

mrsm43s · 02/05/2017 15:51

I would do whatever I could to send my children to the school that best suited them, best met their needs and they would be most happy at.

I personally would hope that wouldn't be boarding school, as I would really struggle being apart from them.

But I wouldn't rule out anything, if it was what they wanted and was in their best interests.

AlexanderHamilton · 02/05/2017 15:51

However I could never in a million years send ds to boarding school. He is a different personality & would crumble.

abbey44 · 02/05/2017 15:52

When my two (both boys) were younger, I wouldn't have considered it at all, but the child you have at 13 is often very different to the child you have at 7 and you have to look at things differently.

By the time they were pre-teen, I was divorced and bringing them up largely on my own. No partner, and their DF was working on the other side of the world, so contact was sporadic and male role models didn't figure much in their lives. They were at a prep school where boarding was optional - they both chose to board for the last two years (from age 11) and loved it. There was plenty going on, their friends were around them, and contact with parents wasn't limited. Both of them gained scholarships to public school at 13 and again, wanted to go. They've emerged as confident, well-educated and well-adjusted young men, whose company I really enjoy (it's mutual, too, by the way).

Of course I missed them and there were times they missed being at home too, but they've both said that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. Bear in mind, too, that they have long holidays, and frequent weekends out, so you don't go weeks on end without seeing each other. Both have said they'd want to do the same for their children, which I think speaks volumes. Just because they're away at school, you don't cut all contact and abandon them to their fate.

BoboChic · 02/05/2017 15:52

No.

DD is 12 and a real homebody. She would hate boarding school. She goes to summer camp every July for 3-4 weeks which she adores, and gives her fabulous experiences of room sharing and living with other DC, but of course it is a holiday with low stakes/pressure.

There are lots of boarders/nannies/living apart from parents in my ancestry and quite a few of my cousins have boarded and sent their DC to boarding school. I remain sceptical!

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