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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
SafeToCross · 09/05/2017 09:07

It would not be my idea of family life. Members of my family boarded and enjoyed it though.

strugglinghuman · 09/05/2017 09:31

No way.

WaitingYetAgain · 09/05/2017 09:31

I wouldn't do it unless it was a specialist school the child really wanted to go to or they were 13+ and really wanted to board. It is a strange environment in a boarding school, which I found seems to suit certain personalities naturally more than others. If you are any of the following: sensitive, shy, low self esteem, slightly unusual interests, quite attached to family... Then it can be torturous if there is less support of those qualities (which depends on the school and children within it). Obviously, going home each day means you can be yourself whereas at boarding school you have to fit the mould to a certain extent.

I also don't see the point in having children to then send them off for such great stretches of time. Perhaps weekly boarding aged 13+ is a happy medium if the child wants to do it.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2017 09:41

No I couldn't have done it. My daughter was a day pupil at a boarding school and my overall impression was that in general the day pupils were happier. Not to say they boarders were unhappy, they weren't. But a large number of them would have preferred to not be boarding and not one of the day pupils would have preferred to board.

I think when it comes down to it, a school can provide a very caring environment, but it's nothing like the love and care a family can provide. I'd also say it enabled some distance between the kids and their parents in terms of their relationships.

We'd often have some of the boarders come to stay on sleep overs, and there was always angst "my mum hasn't signed the permission form yet" or they were living on a budget which the parents thought fine but in reality didn't permit them to do what the other kids did because the parents simply didn't really think about the cost of living properly, from toiletries on.

They were also very strictly controlled, in terms of when they could leave the school grounds etc. I'd say for a lot of them it damaged their relationships with their families somewhat, not in terms of bad feeling, but in terms of distance in the relationship. Simple things like family dinners in the evening, chatting about the day, those sort of things are lost, and they do impact on the relationship negatively.

Badbadbunny · 09/05/2017 09:52

Neither me nor OH boarded and we know no-one who did, so it was never on the agenda for our DS. BUT...

He's at a school that also had boarders, some who are there all week, but most who board Mon-Fri (so just 4 nights) and return home at weekends. The full timers are there usually because parents work abroad or the other end of the country. The part timers generally live within an hour or two so easy enough to commute Mon & Fri.

My son is friendly with lots of the boarders and they do seem to have a really good time and made some really strong friendships. Looking back, it would probably have been good for DS to have boarded. He's an only child, so is a bit of a loner, made worse by there not being many kids near home in our village, so his out-of-school social activities are limited.

He has often said that it's a shame he can't join in with his boarding friends on their various trips out - they do all kinds of things such as going out for meals, trips to cinema, theme parks, football matches, etc. (Even the M-F boarders stay an extra day if they're going on a trip Sat or Sun!). He's actually quite envious of them. Especially the part-time boarders who seem to get the best of both worlds, i.e. ability to go home at weekends for family time, but immersed with their friends in the boarding houses during the week, plus the option to join in at weekends.

I think if we could go back in time, he'd be all up for boarding instead. He's definitely now looking forward to university as he's seen the kind of friendships and activities available in that kind of "living together" environment.

emmyrose2000 · 09/05/2017 10:00

No school is ever that good that it warrants a child being away from their parents. The attachment issues etc just aren't worth it

Agreed. My kids go to a fantastic state high school only five minutes from our house. (I guess we're very lucky in that regard). It offers opportunities that would be hard pressed to find at many other schools in our country, state or private. But none of the options are worth sending my children away for if the school happened to be a boarding school and hours away from home.

MyheartbelongstoG · 09/05/2017 10:03

I would never pack mine off. A girl I worked with until recently was the most unfeeling cold fish and admitted she was that way possibly because of boarding school.

emmyrose2000 · 09/05/2017 10:08

I hate the "independance" thing. They are children. They are supposed to be dependant. Being suddenly thrown into forced independance with a lot of other children the same age, but all different emotionally- how can that not have a negative effect?

Precisely. My DC1 in particular was very independent from toddlerhood. He didn't need to be sent away from home to have that part of him come out.

It's amazing how billions of people all over the world manage to become independent without having to be sent away to boarding school to "learn" it, or have it artificially fostered on them before they're ready....

However nothing at all can make up for not having a kiss goodnight and having the normal family arguments - do your home work / go to bed / eat your dinner etc. (Like I explained in my posts earlier). If it is the quality of education you believe is worth sending your child away then invest in a tutor because no education can make up for not seeing your family and being in your own bed each night

Well said.

beingsunny · 09/05/2017 10:17

I think this is very individual, depends on the child and their personality, the opportunities and experiences of boarding, opportunities to bond and develop friendships in completely different ways, and of course the stress of running home from work, collecting, after school activities, meal times etc can be quit stressful for the whole family.

My partner boarded full time from around aged seven at his request, this was a while back and it was an all boys school so he is full of horror stories but he loved his time there and thinks these days it would be an even better experience as pastoral care is so much more of a focus.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/05/2017 10:28

He has often said that it's a shame he can't join in with his boarding friends on their various trips out - they do all kinds of things such as going out for meals, trips to cinema, theme parks, football matches, etc. (Even the M-F boarders stay an extra day if they're going on a trip Sat or Sun!).

Why cant he. Presumably there are other members of the public at the cinema, restaurant etc.

If his boarding friends are going to the cinema unless it is a private viewing why cant he join them

Pallisers · 09/05/2017 14:47

He was a weekly boarder but after a few weeks he often didn't come back for weekends as he had Rugby matches, cinema trips and so on and just wanted to hang out in the boarding house with his friends.

If this was my 11 year old I would be pretty sad that he didn't want to be at home with his family after 5 days with his friends and wouldn't see it as an entirely positive thing. I would be less bothered if it was a 14/15 year old although to this day all of mine (mid-late teens) like being home and like when we are all there.

I'm also wondering why pp's son can't just join his boarding friends at the weekend. My dd is a day pupil at a boarding school. Any of the weekend trips are open to the day pupils as well - you just sign up if you want to go, no need to stay in the school.

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/05/2017 15:02

No. I think children need the support of loving parents who are present in their lives and a good home environment to really flourish in life. I've heard of too many boarding school children who would say the damage done in terms of relationships outweighs the academic/ career benefits.

phoenix1973 · 09/05/2017 15:08

No. It would dissolve our relationship.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 09/05/2017 15:10

Everyone I've known who boarded came out alright. Having said that, I might consider weekly boarding from 16 if I had the money and the kid wanted to. Any more than that, no way.

Lonnika123 · 09/05/2017 15:22

My DD has boarded since just before she turned 11 due to her having a strong talent for her sport. She boards weekly, which actually means she comes home Saturday and goes back Sunday. She loves it. I think our relationship has thrived because of it. She doesn't board too far from home which means we can fetch her if anything is wrong/go and see her in the week. My daughters sport requires a lot of practise and if she didn't board life would be very tough on our other child as we would constantly be driving around after DD.

I would have never thought it was something we would do but fate intervened and caused us to make decisions we thought and still do think were Absolutey for the best.

heateallthebuns · 09/05/2017 15:53

No way! I want to spend time with my children and form really close relationships. I was at prep school and there were six year old boarders Shock tbh I think it's cruel!!

There is a thing called boarding school syndrome also www.telegraph.co.uk/education/secondaryeducation/11662001/The-truth-about-boarding-school-syndrome.html

Camomila · 09/05/2017 15:54

DS is only 1 so it's a long way off but I think I'd be ok with weekly boarding from 13 plus especially if DS had a special interest (choral/sport etc) or we lived really rurally.

I didn't board but lot of people I know (aunts, uncles etc) from my home village were weekly boarders for high school as the village was very remote and it was more practical.

saoirse31 · 09/05/2017 16:04

Wouldn't consider it. Why would you want your child away from you for at minimum Mon to Fri? doesn't make any sense to me.

Lonnika123 · 09/05/2017 16:51

Saoriss31 read my post - perhaps if your child had an exceptional talent at something it would change your view

That1950sMum · 09/05/2017 16:56

Absolutely no way would I send my children to boarding school and I must admit it the thing that would make me judge parents more than anything else. Schools should not stand in place of parents and no education, however good, is worth giving up your parenting responsibilities.

Grammar · 09/05/2017 17:14

I think sending your children away to boarding school is just an easy way to get through the nasty bit of parenting. Parenting comes with good/great bits and not so good bits...but if they don't turn out happy, you will always ask yourselves the question 'Would it have been different if he/she had been at home'?
And it's a big question.
They no doubt develop resilience but at what cost? Some children it will suit , some it won't. You have to make that decision based on how your children are. The more fragile, the more, I'd say they need home and parents who show them love and close affection, maybe it would be slightly different with resilient, outgoing children. You're never going to know, really.
Personally, I feel the nurture, nourishment and closeness of a family, with siblings, learning how to develop close lifelong relationships (and it may not seem so now) is something only a parent can offer. There is so much more to education' than bringing up a resilient, emotionally balanced/confident child in a warm home versus a school dormitory, with regimens 24 hours a day. It has to be your decision. It wouldn't be mine.
Also remember...they won't be home in the holidays as they'll be on school trips, ski trips and all the extra money + the lack of family warmth that all that that ensues.

Lonnika123 · 09/05/2017 17:16

I am still my daughters parent make no mistake about that 🙄 We have a very close relationship and she is amazing. I hope you don't judge maybe you should turn it around and realise that we 'sent her away' to pursue her dream. She can never look back and say what if....

Lonnika123 · 09/05/2017 17:17

Grammar I think parents have messed up kids as well.

That1950sMum · 09/05/2017 17:52

Your choice of course Lonnika, but I don't think anything can prepare a child for life better than loving, involved parents. It is the day to day stuff that make families. Talking about the school day, knowing about their friendships, interests, worries etc etc. I also think it is important for them to contribute to family life by helping out at home with chores and supporting each other. School can't provide anything of those things in the same way.

Having a talent is great and should be supported and celebrated. In my opinion though, sport is not important enough to sacrifice day-to-day parenting for.

Lonnika123 · 09/05/2017 18:10

How fortunate for you That! That you don't have a talented child.