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AIBU?

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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
Smitff · 02/05/2017 18:41

No.

You have to be a special kind of failed or fucked up adult to conclude your children are better off without you.

freshwaters · 02/05/2017 18:42

DS boards at a special school because he is autistic.There aren't any other schools which can cater to his needs and he needs a waking day curriculum. He has amazing specialist teachers there and on site therapists, and it means he doesn't have to cope with daily journeys which he would find stressful.

I don't know if I would have considered mainstream boarding if he didn't have SN. I certainly don't think I'd want to pay typical boarding school prices (his special school costs a six figure sum, but it is paid for by the council). We miss him a lot when DS is away, and family life does feel a bit disconnected as he's not always here. But it does make life easier for us and I can focus more on work when he's at school (although he's a teenager now and most NT teenagers wouldn't need the level of supervision he does).

flapjackfairy · 02/05/2017 18:43

Not under any circumstances tbh

GnatsChuff · 02/05/2017 18:51

Not everyone can turn down postings. Your parents gave you the stability by doing that and I am delighted for you that they were able to do so, but it isn't an option for all. Most military children are disadvantaged by the moves. It is one of the reasons my DH chose to leave before our children became impacted. Although, ironically had we been claiming CEA, they could probably have gone to a much better school than we can otherwise afford.

I have a friend who is currently posted overseas. Their DS will be returning to UK for boarding school because there is nothing appropriate near where they are and they had expected to return to the UK sooner. They have selected a school near enough to us that we will look after him for as many weekends as he/they wish.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/05/2017 18:58

No, it's a mad, cruel, thing that the English upper classes started doing so they didn't have to bring up their own children

Not necessarily. Many do it to provide stability where there usually wouldn't be much of it. An old school friends Dad was in the Army and they were forever moving schools. She's always wished she was able to board so she had the consistency through those years. My Niece also had a friend who boards at a very good school. Again, provided the consistency that Y needed, parents were alcoholics, Y was exceptionally bright. A trust got Y a place and they've loved every single minute of it. My Niece meets Y regularly and they're a happy well rounded child who was given an opportunity they could have only dreamed off five years ago.
I think security also plays a part, where big families have higher kidnap risks etc, once watched a doc where the child was being driven to school by bodyguards. I wouldn't swap that life for all the money in the world.

In answer to your question, yes I would.

glamourousgranny42 · 02/05/2017 19:02

No no no no.
My brother and ex husband went to boarding schools and this certainly contributed to their emotional and relationship problems. I then taught in one and couldn't believe the number of kids who really suffered being away from home. They were constantly kicking off in the hope they got sent home.

I once had a parent evening with a mum who had 2 kids who boarded full time despite living near enough to go home at weekends. She told me she didn't work as she thought it was important to be a full time mum!!! I looked after her kids more than she did!

GreenGinger2 · 02/05/2017 19:04

The majority don't use boarding schools. Only the top brass(higher paid)tend to do so.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3234994/Sending-children-offices-boarding-schools-costs-taxpayers-84m-year.html

I moved yearly during my whole primary childhood and have a degree. My parents were given options to choose from.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 02/05/2017 19:07

I always find these threads odd and quite judgemental. Insinuations that people only send their kids to boarding schools if they don't like them, the kids don't have social skills/they all have issues, they don't see them for months on end, they go full time from 7 etc. I work in a boarding school. The kids I work with are fantastic to be around. Their parents are involved and interested and they pay for their kids to come here because they believe they benefit. I didn't believe it before I worked with them but I do now. Is it for everyone? No. But I find it really strange how it is acceptable to criticise whole swathes of parents and, by implication, cast aspersions about their DC.

GreenGinger2 · 02/05/2017 19:08

I think other options should be used such as higher pp payments. I fail to see how splitting families further helps children who move a lot. No permanent home and very little family life.

yummycake123 · 02/05/2017 19:10

No, I couldn't...

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 02/05/2017 19:10

My dad and uncles have been left with severe OCD and anxiety from their years of boarding. Not a chance in hell.

aliceinwanderland · 02/05/2017 19:11

No unless (a) they were going to a specialist like ballet or drama (b) things were so dysfunctional at home they were better away from it or (c) they were teenagers and were desperate to go and even in that case I would think about it very carefully. This is based on my own experience -boarded from very young.

willconcern · 02/05/2017 19:11

Absolutely not. Never. My ex was boarding school educated. He was charming on the surface but aloof and distant and detached underneath. He has a string of failed relationships and no longer sees his children (from a previous marriage). He cannot form and maintain close bonds. He acknowledges this is primarily due to boarding from 13. He was desperately unhappy and lonely, but hid it from his parents, who thought he was having 'the time of his life'. As a defence barrier, he shut his emotions down to survive. As an adult he is fucked.

Dozer · 02/05/2017 19:13

DH boarded and liked it and he would have considered it for future DC, but it was a deal breaker for me so we agreed any future DC won't board.

IMO (though he would disagree!) some aspects of his behaviour might have been affected negatively by it.

GnatsChuff · 02/05/2017 19:18

The fact remains, all ranks have the choice to send their children to boarding school. There are other factors at play as to why not all do. I have absolutely no issue with taxpayer's money supporting CEA.

scaryteacher · 02/05/2017 19:19

Greenginger My db went to boarding school and I stayed at home as Dad was sea going. Dad gave me a hard time later when I didn't want to board, and Mum didn't want to move as she had a full time job by then.

You can't always choose your postings...my db has just been given one option, as there is nothing for his specialisation or rank in the UK.

Pettywoman · 02/05/2017 19:24

If I was minted and they could be day boys then yes, but only if it was Bedales.

SpiritedLondon · 02/05/2017 19:24

Well there is certainly a difference in choosing a boarding school for a child who is very keen to go and sending a child to school because it's what has always happened in your family. " I went to Eton and therefore you will go.... and will enjoy it". I once saw a sign outside a boarding school which advertised that they took children from 5. Who in gods name would send a child away at that age? What message are you sending children about their importance to you and the family? I once listened to a radio programme about schools in China. In some places they send their children away at 2 so they can get ahead academically. They recorded them at bedtime as they went to sleep in dorms and all you heard was them crying for their mums. Heart breaking. So no, under general circumstances I would not consider boarding school.

Sleepyblueocean · 02/05/2017 19:28

We had to consider a residential placement for our son because of his sn. We were lucky that we found a school an hour away that offers what he needs and that at the moment, he can cope with the travelling.

LordPeterWimsey · 02/05/2017 19:29

No, but I would have hated it myself (very introverted, need my own space) and I have a very home-loving child. With a different child who really wanted to go I might consider it at 13+.

A friend of mine boarded at secondary: she didn't want to, but her parents lived in a remote village in the Highlands and it was boarding or nothing - nearest day school was too far to be realistic. She was old enough to understand that it was the best option and why, but even so she found it tough.

Okite · 02/05/2017 19:30

Not a chance. The school my kids go to offers boarding, though there are very few there at prep age, it's heart breaking seeing all the other kids being picked up by grandparents and parents while the boarders wait for their house parent to collect them. They are, in fairness, looked after very carefully, but it's not the same as being with your family.
I'm interested that you say how detached he is and that he's more like family with his ex-school mates and yet at the same time say they haven't suffered any fallout from boarding? Surely that IS the fallout? The inability to form deep and lasting attachments?

SilverIcicle · 02/05/2017 19:32

No, never ever ever.

I hate the thought of my DC leaving home for university!

The idea of Boarding school gives me nightmares.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 02/05/2017 19:35

No, I think I'd miss them to much and I'd be worried all the time, I know boarding school staff are well trained at dealing with things but they aren't mum/dad and I hate the idea of my DC being upset or feeling rough when I'm not there to hug them but if DD carries on behaving the way she is tonight I may change my mind

SilverIcicle · 02/05/2017 19:37

I adore spending time with my DC. I want them at home with me. There's more to life Jan the best education money can buy.

mumtomaxwell · 02/05/2017 19:41

Not in a million billion years!!!! I just don't get the need for it. If a parent is so committed to their child's education that they need to go to school in a different area then the family needs to move house! Family life is way more important than school anyway (I say that as a teacher of nearly 20 yrs experience).