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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 07/05/2017 21:06

No school is ever that good that it warrants a child being away from their parents. The attachment issues etc just aren't worth it.

The only time I can ever see a valid reason for boarding is when the lone parent is very ill and nobody can help out with the child/children.

grasspigeons · 07/05/2017 21:08

I think you guys don't have much experience of special needs and how some of the things the children need to get an education aren't available locally and you are being a bit cruel to the poor lady who is sacrificing her happiness to ensure her child access that specialist therapy.

Sunshineandlaughter · 07/05/2017 21:13

Grass - she's sacrificing her sons happiness not her own

And please don't assume anything about posters - you have no idea what experience we have with sn or not.

Her post is written solely about herself she doesn't worry what her son is thinking or feeling apart from assuming he's happy.

Her son will know he's been sent away because he's got sn - how awful is that.

Pallisers · 07/05/2017 21:17

You don't know anything at all about the SN of this boy. Any fool knows that the spectrum of SN is huge and one child might be ok with the facile "Especially with SN surely they just need a loving family and day support?" and another might absolutely need the care of a boarding school - as might his siblings at home, or even his mother in order to earn a living so everyone gets fed. Have some imagination (not to mention compassion). Even if you have a SN child at home yourself, surely you realise that in the world of SN, everyone is different.

I am not pro boarding schools but I find the arrogant negative commentary on lifeissweets situation horrible.

GnatsChuff · 07/05/2017 21:23

Hear, hear Pallisers.

Sunshineandlaughter · 07/05/2017 21:23

Saying a SN child needs to board is like the olden days of the NHS when many SN children were sent away by their parents to hospitals 'for their own good and development'. Apologies if my post was a bit cutting and short but I was shocked that the mother was solely thinking about herself being upset rather than worrying how he was coping every Sunday evening - I guess that's what made me a bit critical. I did say I can understand some situations where care IS needed overnight, of course it is.

grasspigeons · 07/05/2017 21:25

I agree I shouldn't assume you have no experience of special needs and I am sorry for making that assumption. I still stand by that it was unecessarily cruel to tell someone that their son is feeling worse and no school justifies sending a child away. When they have just described a happy child who is accessing therapies that he needs and can't get at another school. I think she was describing how she felt not because she only cared about herself but to highlight it was not an easy decision or for her benefit but because she believes this gives her child the best shot at a fulfilling life.

Sunshineandlaughter · 07/05/2017 21:41

Grass - you are right that probably is what she meant to write - it just wasn't how it came across to me
I think every parent that sends their child to boarding thinks they are doing the right thing and of course loves their child. However it does seem more common than not that when the child is older they look back and wished for different. The problem with children is that they don't have the emotional intelligence to reflect 'are they happy' 'is this what I want'. I think children just accept the status quo. once they are older, like 16+, I think they can start to make decisions like that a bit more for themselves hence boarding at 17 probably fine, boarding at 7 just sad.

CountryLifeMummy · 07/05/2017 22:19

I think the thing is is that most parents think they are doing best by their children - sn or not. It isn't usually a case of "palming" the children off - it really is that the parents believe that the education they receive and the activities available to the children far outweigh the children coming home in the evening.
However nothing at all can make up for not having a kiss goodnight and having the normal family arguments - do your home work / go to bed / eat your dinner etc. (Like I explained in my posts earlier)
If it is the quality of education you believe is worth sending your child away then invest in a tutor because no education can make up for not seeing your family and being in your own bed each night

Spikeyball · 07/05/2017 22:35

What is wrong is that there are so few specialist schools that parents have to make the decision between having them home every night or their child having some kind of future.

yolofish · 07/05/2017 23:12

countrylife absolutely. the parents dont think its wrong for whatever reason; and they may be perfectly valid reasons for all the family at that particular time, and taken in what seems to be the best interests of everyone. but, somewhere, at some stage, there is an issue about being away from what should be your closest people at a key stage of life.

lifeissweet · 07/05/2017 23:16

That is really the issue, Spikey.

I'm sorry if it came over as being all about me. It wasn't meant that way. In fact, what I was trying to say was that it's not about me not wanting him at home - it is about making decisions that will give him the best shot at life - and trust me, we went through hell with our local authority trying to get what he needed before we resorted to boarding.

It is so easy for people to judge, but we all make decisions for our children because we believe they are in those children's best interests. I may have made a decision that people judge me for, but no one on here as been through the process with me of finding the solutions and weighing up the options - so you really don't know what you would do in the same circumstances.

I know my son - and I believe he is happy and would tell me if he wasn't. The staff are brilliant - and he is home every weekend and the holidays are longer than normal state schools.

So judge if you want.

WayfaringStranger · 07/05/2017 23:17

"What is wrong is that there are so few specialist schools that parents have to make the decision between having them home every night or their child having some kind of future."

My son has SN and I would consider boarding school but it's wrong that I am forced to consider this as option. Education for children with complex needs shouldn't be this way.

In terms of children without SEN, the answer is definitive no. Anorexia Nervosa has an incredibly high mortality rate and my professional experience when working with young women with this psychiatric disorder is that a disproportionate number went to boarding school. I'm too tired to look up any information on this right now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/05/2017 06:50

Both dd and ds have sen and during the fitst years of primary school I looked around at different schools to find which was the best route to take.

Yes there were boarding schools which if they had gone they would have at 16 got to be academically average which would have just made everyone miserable and to put all that effort in to become average didn't seem worth it.

Instead I looked at their strengths and did as many extra curricular activities to make them the best they could be.

Both have their hearts set on careers that don't involve academics. DD is leaving college to pursue her dream job at 17 and ds will go to college at 16 to pursue a non academic course.

There are more ways to pursue a happy life than being sent away from home to have your head filled with facts and figures

Spikeyball · 08/05/2017 07:20

Boarding school for some children with sen isn't about having their head filled with facts and figures.it is about having speech therapy and occupational therapy by properly trained staff. It is about having small enough classes so that children are not constantly hurting themselves and attacking others because they cannot cope. It is so they are taught by staff who understand their needs. It is so they have an environment they can cope with. And for many other reasons.

Spikeyball · 08/05/2017 07:25

Children should be able to have all these things at a school close to home but many don't. I'm lucky. Ds can get these things at a school that means only spending 2 hours a day in a taxi. Others aren't so fortunate.

grasspigeons · 08/05/2017 08:03

Oliversmumsarmy my friends child is attending boarding school as it's the strongest chance she'll get of progressing to sheltered style accommodation and a semi independent life. Something she really wants and talks about. Its really important as parents get older and less able to care for her full time - she's very vulnerable and her parents want to think she'll have some skills to cope when they die. It's part of that process which is a long one of gradual steps - learning some independance in a safe environment with highly specialised staff. part of which is weekly boarding as an older teenager. Nothing to do with academics and careers.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/05/2017 09:37

Grasspigeons that I would consider to be akin to more a rehabilitation centre than a boarding school. We have something similar close to us and there are all ages there. Including ones who live there permanently who will never be able to find for themselves.

I was referring to schools which tackle things like dyslexia. A friend was sent to one in the 80s and it not only caused a huge rift between her and her parents (not spoken to them for 16 years) she came out barely literate.

JaxingJump · 08/05/2017 11:50

Oliversmummy, I am quite sure, no 100% sure that being sent to boarding school was not what caused the huge rift. No boarding school could cause a huge rift if they were good parents.

NancyWake · 08/05/2017 12:03

I remember your last thread, why are you still with this dick?

You say you don't share his views, he has no emotional awareness, doesn't understand emotion. I think you're dazzled by his background.

Have lots of sex until you don't fancy him and then marry someone sensible.

He's a bright arsehole, he would have been successful wherever he was educated, boarding school had nothing to do with it.

minipie · 08/05/2017 21:40

I was a weekly boarder and I had a mobile phone minipie. I assure you that no standard of education is worth not seeing your mum, dad, siblings and pets every evening

CountryLife it isn't about a certain standard of education, it's about her going to a school which understands and accommodates her quirks/needs rather than one which doesn't and so makes her miserable.

So you had a miserable experience. I'm sorry. I know plenty who loved boarding.

38cody · 08/05/2017 23:10

My son went to board at 11 and loved it. He's got such a wonderful group of really close friends and is independent and confident.
He was a weekly boarder but after a few weeks he often didn't come back for weekends as he had Rugby matches, cinema trips and so on and just wanted to hang out in the boarding house with his friends.
We live in London and at 11 I wasn't keen on a few of his friends which was a big deciding factor - he got away from those friends and out into the countryside of hertfordshire. BEST decision I ever made, not convinced it's suitable for little ones but for 11+ thay have a ball and a great education to boot.

CountryLifeMummy · 09/05/2017 08:17

Minipie I don't think you read my posts previously. I loved boarding school and really didn't have a miserable time at all - I was in fact very happy. I was saying that it creates a strange family dynamic and an overly independent nature at a young age.
There is a huge difference between having fun at boarding school and being part of a family unit on a day to day basis.

minipie · 09/05/2017 08:20

You're right I didn't - sorry! Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I agree with you - as I said, it's an odd way to grow up. But in some circumstances, I think the upsides can outweigh the downsides.

blackteasplease · 09/05/2017 08:55

I'm not sure.

I might as others have said if it were for a special interest, such as drama, when the dc was much older. 14 minimum I would say.

I might also at that age if they desperately wanted to and if I could also see it was a great fit.

But in either case only weekly. Termly is too much imo as you couldn't help them with problems that might arise.

Generally speaking I wouldn't though. I think they are better off growing up at home.