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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/05/2017 10:38

I weekly boarded at 7 and loved it but it was an exceptional place and my mum had just died.

I proper boarded at 12 and it was not more than ok. Lots of people loved it. It teaches you a lot about relationships and rubbing along with people. It also teaches independence and team spirit and all that jazz.

But it destroyed your relationships with your parents in lots of ways because they were no longer part of your day to day life.

BUT it is very different now. Exeat (sp?) days seem to be unlimited and my siblings kids seem to have solid relationships with parents.

On the downside what goes on at school now is completely unknown to parents, even more so than at day school, and some of it is grim.

myusernameisbob · 04/05/2017 10:56

Exactly JaxingJump. You just said in one clever sentence what I was trying to in 50!

Oh, I don't know Wally, sadly I think that some of what goes on in an out of ALL schools these days from around 12 up is horrifically grim Sad

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/05/2017 11:10

Independence is something that is mentioned over and over again

Children don't need to be independent this can be taught and instilling confidence in making their own choices in a child to become independent is surely a far better way than forced independence from a young age

SirVixofVixHall · 04/05/2017 11:12

I disagree with nocitrus. My parents didn't want me to board, there were complicated reasons why it was necessary, and they moved to be near the school so that I could transfer to being a daygirl . I didn't come from a family where they thought it was a good thing for me to be away, I wasn't angry with them for sending me- if I'd said no then I'm sure they would have done their best to work out an alternative. I'm not antisocial, if you met me you'd think of me as really outgoing and sociable, but the damage done by being away from any loving contact at a crucial age is there. As a pp said, I can see just by looking at my dds faces as I pick them up, how their day has gone, if there has been a problem etc. That loving squeeze to reconnect after a day at school, the little touch on the head as I walk past them in the kitchen, the silly times when we all lark about- all the spontaneous affection of daily life in a loving family would be missed out on if I sent them away. Missed out on by all of us, not just the dcs. I came from a cheerful and loving family and boarding school was a huge shock. I think I just buried most of that, and only started to think of it as my own dd approached the age when I went away.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 11:17

Surely independance is part of the child's personality.
Out of our 3 dc 2 were independant from an early age, it'd just the way they were.
One is still quite dependant compared to others he's 22.
Only one of the independant has ever boarded.
Whilst we have noticed an increase in independance from the one who boards, I can't put it down to boarding as this is only her second year, and she has been like this since being a toddler.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/05/2017 11:17

I hate the "independance" thing. They are children. They are supposed to be dependant. Being suddenly thrown into forced independance with a lot of other children the same age, but all different emotionally- how can that not have a negative effect?

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 11:17

I think that people also have to understand the difference between boarding now & then.

If dd was at a local school she would finish at 4pm, travel to the dance school where she would be until around 7.30-8pm ish (eating on the move). I would be driving her brother to his drama/singing/guitar classes. Home at 8pm-8.30pm then a struggle to fit in homework. Saturday's would be spent at dancing then out with friends in the afternoon or closeted in her room doing homework/watching Netflix. I used to take her to amdram rehearsals on Sundays.

This week she is in boarding. School ends at 3.45pm, dance classes are 4-6pm (they also have 2-3 per week in the normal school day instead of PE. Eat at school, back at the boarding house by 6.45pm, then there is Prep & relaxation time. Dance classes are held Saturday mornings then they have lunch & are free to go shopping in the afternoons. I will collect her on Saturday however so she is home on Sunday.

Each term is roughly 12 weeks long. They have an exeat weekend weeks , then half term, then another exeat, then end of term so they are home roughly every 3 weeks.

Parents are invited to several school events as well open day in September, open evening in may, Prize day in June plus performances.

I feel that we are closer due to her awareness of what it's like to be away from home.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 11:23

SirVix

I wonder what makes you think that children who board don't have similar to what you note above.

I only have to see my childs face to know if she's had a bad day, I see it everyday, but she boards.
All the rest is experienced at weekends, holidays, exeats, long weekends, and of course if we go to visit for tea/ lunch.

It seems like some people think kids that board don't have a normal childhood or family life.
Sure in the past I see exactly why so many were mentally scarred by their experience, but everything is so different now, it has to be.

myusernameisbob · 04/05/2017 11:31

I agree Gilly. A boarding child's independence is still a parented independence.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 11:34

Alexander I think our dd school are pretty similar, but obviously exchange dance for music rehearsals. Grin
I used to spend so much time just ferrying her around and it did have an effect on family life as we were always on the road.

This week she's been to Alton Towers, friends birthday. Then she's the opera, and at weekend she'll go to the rugby with her Dad and brothers.
No homework, and I only let her bring one mouthpiece home if she and dh want to play something together.
She has put all washing in school laundry, will be ready for monday.
I'll pick her up Saturday lunch and do some clothes shopping/ lunch in the city, then come home.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2017 11:36

I would only consider boarding school if my DC begged to be allowed to go. Otherwise, not a chance.
I get that it can be a positive experience, but no, I wouldn't do it.

LaurieMarlow · 04/05/2017 11:39

See, I think that time ferrying children around, getting them out the door for school/hobbies, doing chores in the house with them around is all really valuable in building relationships.

Families are all busy nowadays, but those liminal spaces are valuable and becoming more so. Being in the same physical space as much as possible feels valuable to me.

LaurieMarlow · 04/05/2017 11:40

Overuse of the word valuable - sorry Blush

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2017 13:05

I wouldn't want a child of mine to have a Disney home life, frankly.

myusernameisbob · 04/05/2017 13:32

Well reminded Bertrand! Completely forgot to mention whilst trying to give a balanced view of boarding that our home life is all bibbidi boobidi boo and bursting into song at every available opportunity! Silly me.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 13:39

I never ever got one moment resented ferrying dd around. But it did have a negative impact on her brother & meant she was extremely tired.

It also means she is at school with other like minded children.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 13:40

What is a Disney home life?

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 13:41

Our honelife is ne taking ds to hockey or drama & dd binge watching Netflix or taking ds Pokemon hunting.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 13:42

Ha Ha, disney life, what does that even mean?
We do watch some disney films, she likes some of them Grin

I have never seen so much rubbish spouted by people who have probably never boarded, or even been inside a boarding school.

Mine is helping to knock plaster off walls and pointing on scaffolding sometime over the weekend, is that disney?
Then she'll cuddle and watch tv as she's a big softie, is that Disney?
How about eating sunday dinner with the family, disney?

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 13:47

Well talking of Disney mine just sent me a text about six eggs. After much confusion (this will out me if anyone knows me) it turns out it's a solo line she's been given from a Beauty & the Beast song for the end of year show.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2017 13:48

I think on the thread there is a feeling that those that became distant and suffer from boarding school syndrome disliked or only coped with their time at boarding school.

Dp loved his time at boarding school. Couldn't wait to get back after the holidays. From what his parents have said they sound just like some of the parents on this thread who have children who love their school. They too saw him at prize giving days sports days, parents events every few weeks so they were regularly at the school.

Whilst having lived with him for so long I know he keeps even the most tiny events in his life bottled up. As he has got older he has got worse.

Unless he is working he isn't happy.

I wish I had found the website on boarding school survivors 20 years ago. Maybe he would have recognised himself in the lists of issues boarding school brings with it.. But then I know deep down that he would have denied everything.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this but no matter how unsuitable a house or flat is dp will not move and will continue to suffer untill he is virtually dead on his feet.

We lived for 12 years in an area of the country which involved for 2.5 years when he changed jobs, getting up at 4am each morning to drive 45 minutes to the train station so he could be behind his desk for 8.30 and the same on the way back.

It was only after he had done this commute for 2.5 years that he agreed to move because he was so exhausted

I can only say that untill that child is much much older you cannot tell the damage it has done.
Dp was late 30s before it started to show. His parents because he never lived with them full time after the age of 7 have never really known him.

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 13:49

Alexander

One of the day girls had a sleepover in my dd dorm for her birthday.
They did the usual hair and make up, girly stuff then sat around chatting about the advantages and disadvantages of arranging music by Bach for instruments not around during his time. Grin
She has kept in touch with a couple of friends from her previous school and ensemble, but she says she has little in common with her old friends now.

I like the fact I can work now and that dd has friends her own age with the same interests dive and determination.
It's great that she meets so many people from all walks of life from all over the world.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 13:53

Oliver's mum - are youbsure these issues relate only to boarding school As it sounds very severe. Also 7 is very young. Most of us are talking from age 11 onwards.

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2017 13:58

"The time we spend with her is completely her time, no work, domestics etc."

This is what I mean by Disney homelife.

Added to this, no regular chores, no day to day interaction with siblings, no looking after pets, no rows and time to make up. No ordinary day to day life.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 14:00

Dd had no regular chores. How could she when she was never home & when she was she was either doing homework or sleeping.