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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/05/2017 16:19

Thank you gilly and bob for explaining the benefits as far as you're concerned.

I did think the Matron was very cuddly must be a joke! No one, but NO ONE can cuddle like Mum or Dad and mine not having any GPs just wouldn't have cuddled anyone else but us so they wuld have been hopeless cases for boarding!

BeAlert your bingo... you cannot categorically state 100% that none of that is true. Really not. Of course, I can imagine that the same old phrases are trotted out when boarding is discussed, but there is no way you know that a child is unhappy and can't tell you (that's why a parent doesn't know!) or she/he has no one to turn to at school. Much as I didn't know all that went on at secondary school with my lot, you won't either.

I will say I think parents of boarders on here have posted interesting posts illustrating how it is for them, and I thank them for that.

But... (there was always going to be a but...)
I wouldn't have changed my mind for lots of reasons. I was a more mature Mum and didn't want them away from me, and they didn't either. There are boarders (now adult) in my family and I don't think it was the best thing for them TBH. I also know quite a few people who boarded and there is not one who I think isn't a bit emotionally stunted. But can I add... this is boarding back in the day when it was not done for parents and children to talk about feelings so much. A lot has changed with how boarding schools operate and parents are much more tuned in to their children now.

Roussette · 04/05/2017 16:23

more mature = old! (I'm not saying anyone is an immature Mum!)

BeALert · 04/05/2017 16:42

BeAlert your bingo... you cannot categorically state 100% that none of that is true. Really not. Of course, I can imagine that the same old phrases are trotted out when boarding is discussed, but there is no way you know that a child is unhappy and can't tell you (that's why a parent doesn't know!) or she/he has no one to turn to at school. Much as I didn't know all that went on at secondary school with my lot, you won't either.

She's been at secondary school for five years so far, and I'm sure she hasn't told me everything.

But before she went to boarding school, her day school made her very unhappy, and she told me about it a lot.

And now she is at boarding school, she tells me it is not making her unhappy, and that she loves it there.

I'm sure somehow people will still read into that that she's been forced to go to a school that makes her miserable, and she feels she can't tell us. This is Mumsnet after all :-)

Dozer · 04/05/2017 16:56

It's not MN, being strongly anti boarding is a common opinion, probably the majority opinion.

Dozer · 04/05/2017 16:58

It's wrong to make generalisations about families who choose boarding or the DC.

Some of the people I know who boarded from 11 or 13 have some "issues" which IMO (only an opinion!) boarding likely caused or exacerbated. Most of those people were happy boarding.

RuncibleSp00n · 04/05/2017 17:00

Never in a billion years. Wrong on so many levels.

newdaddie · 04/05/2017 17:01

Yanbu, there are very good day schools and wanting to spend time with dc is more than enough of a reason not too.

Personally I wish I went to boarding school, I was always very independent and know I would've loved it.

BasiliskStare · 04/05/2017 17:16

Dozer

"It's not MN, being strongly anti boarding is a common opinion, probably the majority opinion."

Yes , which is partly why I said my comment was flippant. I do not think modern day boarding is bad per se. But it has to suit the DC above all else , IMHO

Catsick36 · 04/05/2017 17:26

Nope. Nada chance in hell. What's the point of having kids if yr gonna ship em off and pay for someone else to enjoy bringing them up.

megletthesecond · 04/05/2017 17:28

I don't know. I'm a lp and have idly browsed the state boarding school website and christs hospital info pondering whether it would do the dc's good. Home can be like a war zone when the dc's fight and I'm not sure it does us any good, I can't work longer hours and they miss out on time with me and support for their primary schooling. They'd probably cone out of boarding school calmer and better educated tbh.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 17:59

It is very different for every child. Ds would possibly benefit enormously from going to dd's school (as a drama student rather than dance) certainly the senco & SEN provision would be better & the academic pressure would be off a bit (his current school is very academic with lots of homework). He is often very unhappy at his current school & asked to audition for dd's school about a year ago.

But I know he would never cope with being away from home.

MaidenMotherCrone · 04/05/2017 18:10

Yes I think I would but as they are grown up now I don't think they'd be allowed to stayGrin

gillybeanz · 04/05/2017 21:23

Alexander.

Aw, that must be really hard for him, could he not be a day pupil?
My dd loves the fact that she has far less school and academic classes.
They meet the minimum in reports of inspections and Ofsted and indie both comment on the standard bearing in mind the specialism.

Can I add one to the Bingo list please

"I like my child to mix with different types of people" This doesn't happen at boarding schools.
The state school that dd would go to and all the others round here have parents from a very narrow income group, not much diversity at all.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 22:41

I think he'd struggle to cope with the longer days & travelling. He's very different to dd. If we lived closer it might be different.

yolofish · 04/05/2017 23:40

It's interesting to see a more balanced approach to the boarding debate than usual. Yes, there are 'reasons' why boarding can be seen to be the best option at the time, and like I said earlier, I was apparently quite happy to do so at the time (once I'd got over the desperate homesickness of the first night or 2 or 7 of each term). BUT BUT BUT... like oliver and others have mentioned, what you accepted as normal at 11 or 13 can become a much bigger issue later in life. I just know that my relationship with my children is so so much closer than mine with my parents was when I was the same age my DDs are now, and I attribute a large part of that to a much more ordinary way of life, warts and all.

BeALert · 05/05/2017 16:34

"I like my child to mix with different types of people" This doesn't happen at boarding schools.

Ah yes - my daughter's boarding school has more kids from deprived areas, with special needs, from abroad, non-English speakers, Muslims, Buddhists, etc than our local day school which is mostly full of white kids whose parents are lawyers or doctors.

But I do think that when British people imagine boarding schools, they imagine Eton type places, or maybe specialist sports/drama schools.

They don't imagine a US magnet school that's been set up in a massively deprived area to help the local economy and provide a school for children with educational needs that aren't being met anywhere else.

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/05/2017 07:54

Bealert that doesn't mean to say that 25 years after they leave those pupils won't be having the same issues as ex British boarding school pupils have.

CountryLifeMummy · 07/05/2017 13:50

I went to boarding school. You know what? There where times when it was so fun - playing outside with your mates till the bedtime bell - no arguments at home on the weekend because everyone is so happy to see each other.
However, it creates a weird family dynamic - your parents don't discipline you - the school does (generally) as they are the ones trying to get the kids to sleep at night and up in the morning - they are the Ines having the battle with prep every evening not your parents. That's not healthy.
You are sent to bed and woken up each night and morning by a bell and a matron instead of a kiss from your parents. You become very tough emotionally as you know however sad you are at times you are well aware of how lucky you are. My parents always asked if I was happy at school and I was - if I wasn't they would have taken me out. It's only as an adult I can see how it doesn't work at all for young children - eve teens. I have a strange relationship with my siblings as we didn't grow up together- we were all at boarding schools miles apart.
I missed my bed, my room, my dog. But I was happy! But it is not a good childhood. Every child goes through homesickness which is the worst feeling at a young age and now as an adult I can suffer so badly with homesickness even if I'm away for a couple of nights.
My son gets home so late some evenings and needs to be at school so early but I know that the short amount of time he has at home every evening is priceless. Yes at boarding schools the activities are there - but it is so much nicer to be taken to swimming/scouts etc by your parents then chatting about it in the car on the way home.

aliceinwanderland · 07/05/2017 18:45

I think that sums it up very well CountryLife Mummy.

Garlicansapphire · 07/05/2017 20:01

Thank you Country Life. Well said.

minipie · 07/05/2017 20:11

I agree it's an odd way to grow up.

But I would still consider it, for two reasons:

  1. A lot of the downsides are mitigated by the increasing prevalence of weekly and flexi boarding, and the fact teens these days have mobiles so can be in constant contact with their parents if they want.

  2. The day schools near me (London) are either not great or wildly competitive to get into. And DD1 has SN. So it may well be that none of the day schools suit her, or will take her, and we need to look at boarding to find the best school for her.

In summary I don't think the downsides of boarding are enough that I should send her to a not great day school instead.

CountryLifeMummy · 07/05/2017 20:36

I was a weekly boarder and I had a mobile phone minipie. I assure you that no standard of education is worth not seeing your mum, dad, siblings and pets every evening

MaQueen · 07/05/2017 20:44

No. Never. And, DH would be horrified by the very idea too.

Why would you have children, only to farm them out to be parented by other people for two thirds of the year???

lifeissweet · 07/05/2017 20:49

My DS is weekly boarding in year 7 now. I've just dropped him back at school and I cry every time I drive away from the school on a Sunday.

He has SN and it is absolutely the best school for him and the only place where he will get the therapy and resources he needs to reach his potential.

I would have been in the 'over my dead body' camp, but I had to make that heartbreaking decision because it is what is best for him. I would rather have him home every night, but I would be doing him a dis service to not give him the best opportunities .

He is happy there. He shares a room with his very best friend. He is home every Friday and gets cuddled half to death for most of every weekend.

And I'm coping better than I thought I would too. We are in touch a lot. He facetimes and texts funny little things. We always say good morning and goodnight. I miss him, but I have to tell myself that it is for his good.

All of the people saying he must be secretly miserable and his mental health will be ruined are giving me anxiety attacks - it was a hard enough decision as it was!

Sunshineandlaughter · 07/05/2017 21:01

Life is - if you are crying what do you think he is doing?!

IMO no school is that much better for someone to justify it. Especially with SN surely they just need a loving family and day support? I could understand though if you are struggling so much you couldn't cope with him at home.