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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unaware I needed my husband's permission to travel with kids?

219 replies

SidekickSally · 01/05/2017 19:49

I've just come back from a weekend in Amsterdam with my 2 DDs, both under 16. We wanted to see some museums and my DH isn't keen so we went with my mum instead. At Amsterdam airport I was asked alot of questions by passport control and the guy said I needed written permission from DH to take my kids away without him. He was asking "how do I know your husband has given you permission to take the children without him". He accepted my return tickets as proof in the end but said next time get written proof.

I can see why he was asking and that this could be an issue but it never occured to me. What do lone parents do? What kind of permission is accepted? Surely a letter could be faked too. Seems a bit of over kill, or is it? Just be interested to hear from others about whether this is usual or unusual.

OP posts:
RhodaBorrocks · 03/05/2017 12:36

I want to take DS on holiday this year but XP won't even let me know a phone number or address for him. He is NC with me, DS and most of his family but has PR as he was around until DS was 8.

Last year I tracked him down on FB and asked for a letter which he deliberately left to the last minute in hope it wouldn't arrive on time. It arrived on the morning of our flight. Then we were never asked for it and I just used BC to prove I was Mum. DS also identified me as Mum and pointed out his grandparents already through passport control waiting for us on the other side of the check point to us. Bloke let us through.

This year though I want to travel with DS alone. Is it going to be a problem if I can't track XP down or he fucks me about again?

Cocklodger · 03/05/2017 12:39

I'm pretty sure you'll be ok if you have a return flight coming back to the uk within a month, and if your ds can confidently identify you etc. you could still be asked though so try to get it if you can, if you can't then just hope for the best I suppose. As I said earlier I've travelled with DD lots in the last few months never been asked.

Booboostwo · 03/05/2017 13:34

I've been asked twice when entering the U.K. with DD. I showed them her birth certificate which seemed to do the risk, but the whole thing seems silly. For one the birth certificate is in Greek, so could have been a shopping list for all the passport control officer knew. For another, it merely proved I am her mother, it had nothing to do with whether DH had consented to her going abroad or not.

Orlantina · 03/05/2017 14:20

If parents are abducting children out of the country (as in parental abduction), what good does the birth certificate do? It just shows you are their parent. You could still be abducting them.

If it's non parental child abduction / trafficking, then a birth certificate / same surname makes sense as it shows you are their parent.

Given DS's attitude the last time we went through passport and boarding, I think there was no doubt I was his parent. Only your own child would treat an adult like that Grin

DixieNormas · 03/05/2017 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambambini · 03/05/2017 15:00

I travel with the kids fairly often on my own - never had an issue - yet!

OlennasWimple · 03/05/2017 15:06

As well as stopping children being abducted from their home country, these checks are also designed to stop children being trafficked into another country. (Whether they are effective enough is another issue)

Vagndidit · 03/05/2017 16:41

I've been questioned twice whilst travelling alone with DS. And one of those two times was in Amsterdam, the other, Canada.
DS and I have different surnames, so I can appreciate the scrutiny.

time4chocolate · 03/05/2017 16:55

Went to Ireland in Easter Hols with DD who has a different surname to me and when going through security/passport control in Dublin I was asked to prove that my daughter was my daughter. Fortunately, I did have a birth certificate. Not asked about DPs permission though. Think it's a bit hit and miss as went last year and no-one batted an eyelid.

Batghee · 03/05/2017 16:59

you are supposed to have a letter yes but i have never been asked for one myself and i dont even have the same surname as our child!
I think you are more likely to get asked for one if you are travelling long haul or staying somewhere for a long period of time. Very strange you got asked for one in Amsterdam! Ive been there with my son alone and i did not get asked for one. It was probably a super intense member of staff on on the day you were flying!

nocampinghere · 03/05/2017 17:15

who says you're supposed to have a letter?
Where is that in law?
A passport is all you need to travel.
All the information re parents, etc is on the system.

I got into a barney at Heathrow over this when returning home. They quizzed me, and the kids. In the end I told them to tannoy my husband, their father, who was in the arrivals lounge if they wanted to, that their is no law to say i needed to travel with letters or their birth certificates or anything other than their passports. Angry

grannytomine · 03/05/2017 17:26

It is to stop children being abducted. It is nothing to do with their name. If they are with both parents fine, if they are with one parent then it should be checked that the other parent consents. If they aren't with parents then they should check the parents consent.

My sister's children were abducted by their father and she didn't see them for years, a 5 year old went away and a married woman with children came back.

It might be a nuisance but who wants kids being abducted?

Booboostwo · 03/05/2017 17:51

granny that is a horrific thing to happen to your sister and children, but if someone is going to go as far as abducting their children then they won't baulk at forging a consent letter, or having someone at the end of the phone pretending to be their wife. And of course for travel to a Hague Convention country there are more protections against child abduction.

Similarly someone willing to trafic children would not draw the line at fake passports, birth certificates and letters.

TinselTwins · 03/05/2017 17:57

granny that is a horrific thing to happen to your sister and children, but if someone is going to go as far as abducting their children then they won't baulk at forging a consent letter, or having someone at the end of the phone pretending to be their wife

From the airport police POV, being able to hold someone for longer because the name a phonenumber is registered to doesn't match the person they claim you are calling (i.e. the other parents phone number you give) is enough to warrant further digging.

Just because they're asking you a question (like the other parents contact details) doesn't mean they don't already know/have access to the answers, they might be looking for discrepancies in your answers

nocampinghere · 03/05/2017 18:32

There is no law which says you have to travel with 2 parents !!!

If i wanted to abduct my child, i could forge a letter, bring a birth certificate. This is just jobsworths at the airport being a PITA. If there is an alert on a chlid gone missing, this will pop up at passport control.

If there is a real need to monitor this, then introduce policies that will stop it/help. Demanding birth certificates does f*"% all.

stop pandering to it.

TinselTwins · 03/05/2017 18:39

stop pandering to it

I think you have to rely on a substantial amount of white privilidge for that attitude to work on airport police. However if you're not the right "type" or in a country where that shit doesn't fly, taking an indignant attitude to it is going to do you no favours

TinselTwins · 03/05/2017 18:40

Personally I wouldn't want to risk being separated from my child (even temporarily) at gun point so would do my best to comply

nocampinghere · 03/05/2017 18:46

ha well obviously i'm only lippy at heathrow. not somewhere i can be deported back on the plane!

seriously THERE IS NO LAW. the passport control tossers just make it up to make the queues even longer than they already are. saying to little kids "WHO IS THAT?" and pointing at me. then quizzing me where their dad is. how fucking dare they. I am perfectly entitled to go on a plane with my kids without a load of documentation "just in case". ALL THE INFO IS ON THE PASSPORT!

grannytomine · 03/05/2017 18:47

Booboostwo, well forging a passport is pretty serious stuff, if they have someones phone number are they going to be happy if the police come knocking on their door. If someone had taken my niece into a room without dad present I think she would have told them mum didn't know where she was. It isn't perfect but if it reduces the chances of your child being abducted would you think it was worth it?

grannytomine · 03/05/2017 18:49

nocampinghere, and if daddy decides to abduct them and you never see them again you wouldn't be happy on a whole different scale.

nocampinghere · 03/05/2017 18:51

oh fgs.
unless they stop and ask every single child who each adult is they are travelling with it isn't going to stop kids being abducted.

either they introduce policies. or they use the alerts etc. on the system.

what they are currently doing is nonsense.

RedBugMug · 03/05/2017 18:53

like only checking passports/identity when entering the uk and not when leaving?

Orlantina · 03/05/2017 18:56

nocampinghere, and if daddy decides to abduct them and you never see them again you wouldn't be happy on a whole different scale

I would hope that if there is a known risk of a child being abducted by a parent and taken abroad - then a marker would be put on the passports which would show up.

A friend of mine lives in Argentina with his ex wife and DD. There is a chance (but unlikely) that he would return with his DD to the UK (he is British, she is Argentinian). That is the kind of potential issue that should be flagged up in advance.

I am sure people here know families where there might be a higher risk of parental abduction from the UK

grannytomine · 03/05/2017 18:56

They should be checking every child, that is the point. Introducing alarms won't work if you are at work and think dad is at work but he didn't drop them off at nursery and the next time you hear from him is when he phones from another country to tell you that you will never see them again.

grannytomine · 03/05/2017 18:58

Orlantina, some people play the long game, they have their plan and play nice for months or even years and take their chance when they can.