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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 01/05/2017 13:41

Can I just point out, that should you ever split up, you are entitled to half his pension. But in cash form (from sale of marital home). Just thought that was worth a mention.

ragged · 01/05/2017 13:46

He should listen to your POV more, for a start.

It's tax efficient for you both to have pensions.
I dunno if this is still true, but when I was a SAHM, the govt paid in the amount to top off my pension that would have been claimed back had I been a tax payer.
So what I mean is, I paid in £50/month, the govt. topped that up by £12 or so. Free, just to encourage my pension. And it was a low charge pension/tax free. Fantastic savings opportunity. I can't remember the rules, but I put in as much as I could because the govt was topping up so much.

You could ask on Money Saving Expert if that kind of pension deal for non-working parents still exists.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:48

I think what upset me the most was the way he dismissed my concerned and than changed conversation.
Thank you husky we do have quite alot of equity in the so financially I would be OK if we split.
Maybe I need to point that out to him as I am am feeling really unappreciated right now.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 13:49

This would irritate me even if he was right. Why should he have a pension and you not have one? Who made him the boss? Clearly you are uncomfortable without a pension so YANBU. Do it.

DeadGood · 01/05/2017 13:49

If it's all the same to him, why is he reluctant to put he money into your pension?

And yes, throw the tax efficiency at him and see if he can get that through his head

Deadgood · 01/05/2017 13:50

But yes, I would set up that direct debit now, nothing stopping you

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/05/2017 14:00

I 100% agree with you.

Something we need to do here - I pay the minimum into my work pension but DH needs one.

Bizzysocks · 01/05/2017 14:00

I disagree with the pp saying it's more tax efficient for you to pay into your pension than if the money was put into his. if he is a higher rate tax payer he will be paying the lower rate on the amount put into his pension. paying into his pension will also reduce the earnings in the calculation to see if you qualify for child benefit. so it would depend on the level of his earnings.

however if there is money going into savings that could go in your name or into a pension for you.

you need to think about why it is upsetting you so you can clearly explain that to him.yanbu to want to be included in the decision of where the money should go.

MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 14:02

I'm not as clued up on the tax efficiencies of one pension as opposed to two, but

  1. he is sensibly paying in a good amount to a pension, wants to fund some kind of house improvement or provide for the children. You have said nothing about him controlling your access to his income -
the family money.
  1. you think that his inheritance should be creating a pension for you - I think that in true MN style, you'd have been given very different answers if it was your inheritance and your husband had plans for it ...

Ignoring deadwood's combative tone, do bring ask if he's inquired as to the most efficient way to save and invest your (plural) money. Do some research of your own too.

Trifle

This would irritate me even if he was right.

An entirely reasonable standpoint...

Hmm
Oldraver · 01/05/2017 14:04

Why is he wanting to put money into his or the kids ISA first ? Why not yours ?

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:07

Actually bizzy you have made a point. Dh recently changed jobs which pays 59k so I reinstated my child benefit claim. We did have to pay some back but not as much as his pension contributions are taken into account. But this wasn't in his reasoning.
Even so though I still think some of the lump sum or a small regular payment could still be set up.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 14:07

MakeUpMyRoom

Well it is reasonable. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:14

I am not expecting vast amount just some concession.
I just felt that the whole conversation was about his wants and needs. The home improvements are things he wants to do more than me but accept they are a good idea.
I do have full access to joint money but dp sometimes feel I have to account for my spending as he balances the books.
When the child benefit rules came in I did feel pressured to cancel my claim because he didn't want to complete a tax return.
Because he didn't complete return on time we had to pay back about half of the child benefit and he asked me for the money from the child benefit savings account.

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 01/05/2017 14:23

I must point out that my DH passed way and I get only half his pension which keeps my boat afloat as long as I'm frugal. To put away some funds for the future sounds sensible.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 14:23

What does 'he balances the books' mean?

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:27

He balances the joint account statement and credit card on a spreadsheet.

OP posts:
LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 01/05/2017 14:30

I must point out that my DH passed way and I get only half his pension.

Likewise, I don't "get" my DH's pension if he dies, just a % of it (and I don't think it is as much as half). But I have my own pension, so this is not much of an issue for us. OP, I suggest you find out if, indeed, you do "get" his pension if anything happens to him.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 14:33

I see. Could you do that? My advice would be to start doing to him what he does to you.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:33

I think I would get a lump sum from his existing employment pension but not aware of any regular payments.
Thank you for the information morning and sorry for you loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:35

Thank you for the information everyone. Time to do some research.

OP posts:
MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 14:41

Trifleorbust

Yep, a partnership and you would be irritated if your husband wanted to make the demonstrably astute financial move. I find this baffling.

I think you need to do some research OP.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 14:45

MakeUpMyRoom

I would be irritated by the dismissive attitude. I would irritated by the phrase 'demonstrably astute financial move' too. Certainly I don't think this has been demonstrated to the OP.

MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 14:55

I have no idea why that phrase would annoy you, once it had been demonstrated. I wasn't suggesting that this was a common phrase to use in a marriage.

I also said that the OP and her husband (individually and together) should do some research.

The bit that baffled me was your post where you would be irritated even if he was right.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 15:00

But is it an astute financial move if it leave me vulnerable If he passes away before me in the short and possibly long term?
Surely an ISA is an Isa so why only consider investing in his or the kids?
It just makes me feel like he doesn't trust me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 15:02

Or rather that I matter less.

OP posts:
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