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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 17:35

Presumably with the OP's agreement, doesnt mean she has to stay dependent. They are meant to have an equal marriage, equality comes in many ways, they should have equal futures too.

5moreminutes · 01/05/2017 17:38

Mumzypopz**

His paid work has paid the mortgage and fed and clothed them for eleven years. I'm sure her unpaid work has been much more enjoyable than his work.

Why on earth are you sure of that? Many people enjoy their paid jobs? Many people do not enjoy all aspects of being a sahp, particularly the lack of financial independence and the lack of respect from tossers.

She has benefited greatly by being able to stay at home and look after her kids, and he has paid for all of that.

her children ? Really? Did she produce them asexually, or do you know that he is not the father?

Who has benefited? she ? Her husband has benefited equally by not having to even think about childcare for his children, nor probably about domestic work. He'd have spent a fortune replacing the OP's free labour with paid and still have had to think about organising it.

If they both worked, they would both be outsourcing the childcare, not just him. Personally i think he pays enough. Why should he pay into her pension too?

Because that is what a decent human being who respected and cared about their spouse would do, not an entitled dick who thought that despite having mutually agreed and benefited from the OP sacrificing her career he should now be the big swinging dick and hold her to ransom so that she will be stuffed if he ever leaves her and she can never think about leaving him no matter how he treats her...

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 17:39

Actually he loves his work. Means he can get up and get himself to work. Work for 8 hours. Come home and chill.
Don't get me wrong I love being home with the kids. If I didn't I would have fought harder to get back into work despite dh not wanting my return to work to impact on his life.
ET he didn't want me to work nights or evenings as it would impact on him.
The only job he ever had any enthusiasm for was a term time job before Dd3 came along.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:40

They never agreed that the op would be financially f**d, but they never agreed he pay into it for her either it seems. I would suggest if she wanted her own pension, she work and pay into it herself. You can think whatever you like too, but it's clear to me that the husband isn't playing along with this idea if his inheritance going into her pension, and quite right too if you ask me. If i was in her position I would be thinking he has paid for me to be off work for eleven years so as i can bring up the kids, not a lot of women are able to do that. He's not a cash cow.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 17:41

Not entirely. I have worked when I could but haven't earned sufficient to put into pension. O and I also had two lots of maternity pay/allowance to put in the pot.
But my real contribution has been the savings on childcare.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 01/05/2017 17:42

Definitely get yourself set up with a Government Gateway access so you can check your status for NI contributions.

www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

You need some methods of authentication like a driver's license and passport or similar.

Main thing is, ensure that any years that you are missing, make sure you pay them, it costs less than you think.

Keep your NI up to date every year, you need 35 years of contributions and you don't have to have been in work to top them up.

Your .DH sounds very unsupportive and dismissive. He seems to want all the control, which is a red flag imo

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:42

Mumzypopz

Your views are out of the Stone Age. He isn't allowing her to bring up 'her kids' - she is doing that part of the required work. He is doing the other part. The money he earns is family money, including pension pots.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 17:43

Yeah and OP aint a bloody skivvy around for his convenience. All the OP is asking for is a little bit more security in her retirement years, not his soul.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 17:43

The inheritance wouldn't need to if he had agreed to put a small amount into a pension when our 3rd child was born as it became clear that my absence from full time work would be extended.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 01/05/2017 17:45

OP, I was married for about 18 years. I knew nothing about finances, really, exH 'took care' of everything.
One day I realised that he is truelly, astonishingly crap with money. And that I earn much more than he does, I used to put everything in the joint account, he didn't. And that I'm being taken for a ride.
So I educated myself financially. He used to smirk and take the p* every time I used to read the money supplement in the paper, when I was asking other people about investments and savings. I didn't even have my own car insurance, ffs, or a credit card in my own name. He even convinced me we can't afford to pay into my work pension, so I opted out and missed 5 years of a very good pension. Only idiots and rich people who work for fun can afford to do what I did. I was an idiot.

So, little steps, I started with paying back into my pension. He had a hissy fit, I ignored him. I looked into SIPPS and compared it with my work pension.
My next goal was 6 months' salary in a savings account. All my overtime went in there. All this time I has the spanish inquisition about my personal spending. Made me feel guilty for a new t-shirt or underwear. So I used to get cashback from the grocery shop and stash that so I don't have to have the 'so you really needed that, we can't afford it'. I'm not stupid, we could afford it, but he was after the control. Anyway. I then opened a stock and shares ISA, a regular savings account. I got a credit card.
I had to battle with him over silly things like tax returns, married allowance, child credits etc. The man not only didn't have a clue, but he was offended I take an interest in finances, OUR finances. He couldn't stomach I earned more and was learning to be independent. So he demeaned me, called me a control freak, mocked me. So we split up. I bought my own place. I had enough to furnish a home from scratch and be left with a bit of savings. I'm doing ok. He..not so well.
The moral of my story is: it's not too late! Start small, educate yourself and go for it. Because if the proverbial hits the fan it'll be a steep an painful learning curve.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 17:45

Thanks again for tips. Did the govt gateway thing a while back so thankfully all OK state side of pension.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:45

Fab, why would you have had to fight harder to get back to work. Surely if you wanted to work, you could? Sounds like you staying at home has had an impact on your relationship being equal?

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:48

Trifleorbust...The whole situation is out of the stone age if you ask me. Didn't mean to put her kids, they are their kids. My point was she is lucky to be able to stay at home and have her support them financially. But don't think that means he has to pay for her pension too.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:50

Mumzypopz

But it does. Legally she is entitled to share 'his' pension. What she wants is her own pension, which he would be legally entitled to share. The OP wants to divide assets differently but they are already shared assets.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 17:54

It's funny 8 he got cross when I said I was reclaiming child benefit. He said there was no point despite it being worth over a grand. When he was doing the return he got angry and accused me of interfering in his affairs.

OP posts:
AyUpMiDuck · 01/05/2017 17:55

Mumzypopz I think your views are really old-fashioned and I disagree with almost everything you have written; I see your comments as unhelpful to OP who is, clearly, in a relationship where her husband has not supported her request for an independent pension or savings/ISA. The inheritance is family money for the good of all of them. Being graphic now, even if he has Life Assurance it might not pay out if there are certain circumstances, Pension may not pay out if he changes the named beneficiary or if they divorce or both. She will be disadvantaged if the relationship breaks down, and, I suspect, he is fully aware of this. A true partnership means that you can be interdependent and also have some independence. Why isn't he working in partnership with her rather than controlling their finances to suit himself? That is the issue.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:56

I'd tell him a good solicitor will interfere in his affairs quite considerably, OP.

AyUpMiDuck · 01/05/2017 17:57

OP YANBU to feel hurt.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:57

5moreminutes....Yes many people do enjoy their paid jobs, myself included, but I'd much rather be at home with the kids than being at work. Being a mum is the best job in the world, but I've always thought contributing to the pot that keeps them fed and clothed and a roof over their head is part of that. I totally get that other families do it a different way. I just don't think i would expect my husband to put his inheritance into a pension pot for me if i had decided to be a sahm.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:00

Mumzypopz

They decided she would be a SAHP. Haven't you read the posts where the OP clearly says this was her DH's preference?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 18:01

Mummy, you make the DH sound like he had no say in anything. You are starting to sound bitter about not being a SAHM, that's not the op's fault.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:01

AyUp.... Interested to see you think I'm old fashioned when I'm the one advocating a woman working and putting into her own pension?! And everyone else is advocating the man should look after the woman?! How old fashioned is that?;

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 18:03

and she was putting into her own pension til they had kids and they agreed she'd be a SAHM. OP has said herself, her DH is unsupportive in her efforts in returning to work. So why is he?

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:04

Tali...Nooooo, i think the DH had a lot of say in all of this. The OP indicated she would have to fight her case to go back to work.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:05

everyone else is advocating the man should look after the woman?!

Nope.

I am saying the money brought in by the earning partner's work should be shared in equally by the non-earning partner, who is doing the other half of the required work. It doesn't matter whether the SAHP is a man or a woman.