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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 16:23

Sorry for repetition. Got distracted by one of the kids.
Yes I have always done maybe 95% of childcare and home stuff and since kids he has probably done 95% of the earning so in a way balanced.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 16:24

Agreed, OP. And it would irritate me to be spoken to like a child WRT finances.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 16:25

Thank you all for. the tips. NI is OK as I get home responsibility protection.
But research and job hunting in order.

OP posts:
Oriunda · 01/05/2017 16:27

It's always worth checking what sort of pension people have. Quite recently there's been a spate of people on final salary schemes realising that their pension dies along with them if they're not married. My brother, divorced with a child, has had to transfer his final salary scheme into a new one as it wouldn't allow his child to benefit. Always check that your expression of wish forms are up to date, too.

MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 16:30

Trifleorbust

I guess, being secure in my marriage, I think financial astuteness is what counts. Maximizing our returns for our savings. I don't feel the need for a back-up plan. Interestingly, because of my passport (I have dual), DH trusts me to have the bulk of our savings in my name.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 16:37

Trifleorbust...A stay at home mum isn't bringing in half the money though and that's what this is all about. Im not totally anti sahm, my own mum was one, I just wonder why they didn't consider this at the starting point, ie, when they made their decision that she would stay at home. If it works for them, great. By agreeing to stay at home, she is totally reliable on her husband for everything. Totally her choice, I just couldn't do it myself.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 16:44

Mumzypopz

So what? I would make a longer point but that is literally all I can think to say.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 16:45

MakeUpMyRoom

Good for you. In what way does that bear on this situation, in which the OP clearly doesn't think financial astuteness is what counts and she clearly does want a back-up plan?

GeorgeTheHamster · 01/05/2017 16:51

If you are married it is no disaster. If you are not it is essential that you get £3600pa into a fund in your name asap.

But you need to do some research. You need to know the difference between a final salary (defined benefit) pension, a "pot" type (defined contribution) pension and the state pension. Then you need to know which you both have.

Try the Pensions Advisory Service, pensionwise.gov.uk and moneyadviceservice.org.uk. Make sure you understand which ones can provide for you on death (the first two) and how (DB may give you an income but it won't give you a pot to inherit, DC can give you a pot to inherit but the returns aren't guaranteed.)

Oldraver · 01/05/2017 16:55

Graphista over four months it took for my late DH's pension fund to finally pay out to me. During that time I had my own salary (which a SAHM will not have) and was able to pay essential bills and buy food. As I earnt a 1/3 of my DH, the mortgage was put on hold and got harrassed constantly for it.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 16:56

Thank you for the tips.

OP posts:
MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 16:57

Trifle

Because frankly, if you're looking beyond return on your investment and thinking about back-up plans and 'what if he leaves me' scenarios, you should be thinking about divorce proceedings as opposed to getting him to contribute his inheritance to your (as a SAHM) pension.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 16:58

Surely financial astuteness matters to everyone?

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:01

Mumzypopz

It doesn't matter to everyone more than everything else. It is a consideration, but when one half of a partnership (usually the earning half) decides they get to set the parameters of what 'matters' and dismiss what matters to the other person as unimportant, there are usually rough waters ahead.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:02

MakeUpMyRoom

Says you. And how do we know the OP isn't experiencing doubts about her relationship? We don't. What we know is only what she has said - she wants her own pension. Personally I think that is all that needs to be said.

MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 17:05

Well, if she is, it's poor form to get him to put his inheritance into her pension, going back to my point of ingrained sexism on MN.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:09

MakeUpMyRoom

I think you are missing the point. She should have had a pension of her own for years. His pension has accrued so that he will be fine in retirement. As the unpaid half of the partnership, she has already been mugged off. Using his inheritance to plug the gap in her pension would be redressing the balance, not ingrained sexism.

MakeUpMyRoom · 01/05/2017 17:12

I'm definitely missing your point although I promise not deliberately.

How has she been mugged off (remember, you're a teacher, not an extra on The Only Way is Essex)?

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:13

MakeUpMyRoom

Is there any need to be so rude? I will say what I want to say, colloquialisms and all.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:13

I guess he thinks he gets to set the parameters because he has been the only financial provider for eleven years, and like it or not, the situation they both agreed to ie her staying at home has let to this. A bit of me just thinks it's a bit cheeky that she also expects him to pay into her pension too.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:15

Mumzypopz

That bit of you has internalised the idea that her unpaid work is less valuable to their family life than his paid work. Remember, they BOTH agreed to this division of labour. It isn't a favour from him to her. If she didn't do it he would have to do it himself or outsource it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 17:16

Fab, you need to a frank chat with him and why appears, he wants you to be financially dependant on him especially in your older years.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:22

His paid work has paid the mortgage and fed and clothed them for eleven years. I'm sure her unpaid work has been much more enjoyable than his work. She has benefited greatly by being able to stay at home and look after her kids, and he has paid for all of that. If they both worked, they would both be outsourcing the childcare, not just him. Personally i think he pays enough. Why should he pay into her pension too?

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 17:28

Mumzypopz

Because in their relationship, they have agreed on a division of labour that works for them as a family. They never agreed that the SAHP would be financially fucked come old age. The OP's DH is saying it makes no difference, is his pension is her pension. The OP wants her own pension. But fundamentally the principle that his money is their money has been long established. So you can think whatever you like but in the context of their relationship, they are meant to be equals with regards to finances.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 17:33

Tali....She has been financially dependant on him for eleven years.