Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:54

Well that's good. I think you should set up the direct debit.

Iflyaway · 01/05/2017 18:55

^dp sometimes feel I have to account for my spending as he balances the books.
When the child benefit rules came in I did feel pressured to cancel my claim because he didn't want to complete a tax return.
Because he didn't complete return on time we had to pay back about half of the child benefit and he asked me for the money from the child benefit savings account.^

He is controlling and financially abusive. Have you ever been privy to his income or tax return?

Start to take control of your own life. Get wise about your finances.
You have kids and life can change in an instant.

Your future self will thank you.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:55

Trifleorbust...You clearly think my reasoning isn't too solid....I think it is. Your language isn't very polite...You say you tried to reason with me....That sort of language is very domineering. You don't run the show here. Lots of people have opinions and have the right to give them. Yes they did both agree she be a stay at home mum, but he clearly didn't agree at the offset to pay into a pension did he?!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/05/2017 18:58

Two thoughts:-

  1. He can get tax relief on paying into a pension for you. (Not sure if other people have said this- I've skim read a bit.) www.gov.uk/tax-on-your-private-pension/pension-tax-relief
  1. Since the government changes have come in in Dec 2012 about annuity prices it actually makes more sense to prioritise paying into the woman's pension. This is because women live longer. Generally spouse's pensions are only 50% (if you get one at all) so far more sensible to give the 100% to the one that lives the longest. Annuity pricing laws means there is no difference in price. Obviously more complex than this due to employer conts, differences in ages etc but still something to think about.
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:00

Mumzypopz

I know I don't 'run the show'. You are entitled to say what you like, but when your reasoning is profoundly flawed you are not entitled to say it without people calling you out on it. There is NO reason the OP shouldn't be entitled to equal access to the family income. None. I am not going to pretend your opinions have merit just because you are entitled to voice them.

timeisnotaline · 01/05/2017 19:04

I think if you rewrite mumzypops posts to say the opposite of what they currently do, there might be some sense in them.
It is not at all financially astute to have a set up that doesn't take care of you if something happens to your dh, it would actually be foolish and naive. You should definitely have a pension, and I don't like the sound of your dh really. Mine has a good career and does his share of the childcare. He makes it work because he has to, he recognises that It's his child too and very unfair to limit my work by having me manage all the childcare unless that is what I wanted.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:13

But trifle....The point is...I don't think my reasoning is flawed....And you haven't explained why you think it is... We don't know what they agreed to exactly at the beginning. We don't know he agreed to give her half the salary. .For all we know he may have agreed to give her an allowance....I hope this isn't the case, but the fact is we just don't know. What we do know is that he didn't agree to pay into a pension for her at the offset, so I think it would be unreasonable for her to expect him to do so now. That is the crux of my opinion. I don't pretend your opinions have merit either, but i don't argue the case and talk to you like you are a little kid. To be honest I'm not even sure what your opinions are as you have spent so much time besmerching mine!!! I suspect you just don't like working Mums?

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:16

Mumzypopz

I am a working mum. I don't like prejudice, double standards and a void where logic should be.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:17

Timeisnotaline.....I don't think you have read all my posts have you. All i have said is that they didn't agree he would pay into her pension in the first place. That is a fact. Not my fault. I agree it is not financially astute to have a set up like that. Fact. Again, not my fault. Please explain what else you think is wrong?!

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:19

Trifle..But you haven't been able to explain where the double standards are have you. It's a phrase you keep using, but you haven't explained why.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:20

And trifle where is the prejudice.....Looks like the only void is on your part....I have explained my reasoning, you haven't. I still don't really know what your opinion is as you spend so much time besmerching others.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:22

Mumzypopz

Your double standard exists in the fact that you think the OP only has benefited from a decision she and her DH both made, that her DH strongly supported, such that she should now pay for it whereas he should be compensated. The benefit of their decision was to their family as a whole. If it was a poor decision (and I don't see that it was) why should the OP be the only one paying for it? It makes no sense.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:24

Mumzypopz

And your prejudice exists in the fact that you believe SAHP are living the high life while their partners work like drones to pay for everything. I have done it (albeit for a short time). It is fucking hard work, much harder than my paid job. My DH is now doing it. He is knackered. It isn't some sort of jolly paid for out of someone else's pocket. It is work.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:34

Trifle...Your first statement is wrong. I do not think the op alone has benefited. Show me where I said that? I think you may have made that up in your head. I said i thought she has benefited, she has. That does not mean i don't think he has. On the contrary, i think he has enjoyed it. But it is a fact that he has paid for this set up and his salary has been stretched, where it might not have been, had she worked. That's not being detrimental, that's a fact. It's their decision. I haven't said it's a poor decision. Perhaps you think it is? I haven't said sahms are living the high Life either. I have said it must be very enjoyable, i wouldn't be too adverse to doing it myself, but just made other decisions down the road, which i totally agree with and glad i made them. No doubt there is some hard work being a sahm, but there must also be a lot of enjoyable moments too, especially in the summer in the garden with the kids as opposed to being stuck at a desk all day.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:38

Mumzypopz

Nah. I am not going to trawl your posts to play back to you what you said. I think the direction of your comments is obvious to anyone reading them.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:42

Trifle, I'm sorry but I think you have made up a lot of prejudices, because they just simply aren't there.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:44

Mumzypopz

If they're not, you do a very good job of convincing people (certainly me) otherwise. Perhaps revisit your posts and think about how you have come across.

lionsleepstonight · 01/05/2017 19:48

You know you need your own pension. Don't 'Ask' your husband if you can have one.
Go get one. And if he won't give you any money to put in it then you'll need to get a job so you can.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 19:54

Trifleorbust ....perhaps revisit yours....It's not the first time I've seen you spend all your time arguing with people on here. Perhaps that's how you get your enjoyment, i don't know, but i do think you should cut people some slack.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 20:06

Mumzypopz

I think I did cut you quite a lot of slack Blush

Perhaps you're right. Sometimes arguing with someone is a waste of time.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 20:18

Trifle you don't cut anyone any slack because in your head you can put your view out on here and if anyone says anything different you have to attack them with falsifications, and make out you have to reason with them, until they come round to your point of view. You attack, attack attack.....You just can't help it.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 20:19

It clearly is a waste of time arguing with me because i have not been submissive to you.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 20:26

Mumzypopz

I don't expect you to come round to my point of view.

melody2967 · 01/05/2017 20:30

It's all a lot more complicated than you think, you can get full pension payments if he takes a joint life annuity with a guarantee period, payment would generally drop to half after the guarantee period if he dies
Tax position depends on the age he dies
While the pot is not accessed you should be entitled to half in the event of divorce
You rarely get final salary schemes these days, but if he does have that then cash equivalent transfer value is worked out in the event of divorce , you need an IFA for proper advice

Mumzypopz · 02/05/2017 12:08

Trifle. Then why not let people voice an opinion without jumping on them in future. It's ok to put forward a different point of view, we all do that. But it's verging on bullying if you continue to go on and on at someone as you have done, and then say their reasoning is flawed etc and that you have tried reasoning with them etc. It's rude.