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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
Craigie · 02/05/2017 17:48

Tell him you've arranged an appointment with a financial adviser. He'd be fine if you got divorced, can you genuinely say the same for you? Get proper financial advice to make sure the family finances are fair.

millifiori · 02/05/2017 17:57

YANBU at all. Just set up a DD from the account for yourself. If he questions it, parrot back to him what he says to you - that it will be his if you die and that you will both benefit from it when it starts paying out. Just refuse to be bottom of the pecking order.

Trifleorbust · 02/05/2017 18:04

Mumzypopz

I apologise if you felt bullied. I enjoy a good debate, but I don't want anyone to feel like that. I will stop responding to your posts now.

toolonglou · 02/05/2017 18:13

You might not be entitled to your husband's pension if he dies before you do. My DH pays into a work pension and when we asked that my name was added as beneficiary they said that no payments can be transfered to anyone after death.

We calculated what we would actually receive in pension pay-outs in the future, and the amounts were ridiculously small. Unless you are whacking a huge amount into the pension each month, the returns could be disappointing.

We have decided to make overpayments on our mortgage as it's the best savings plan you will ever have (unless the housing market crashes, but in the long-term its the best plan around at the moment in terms of return-on-investment). If your house is in joint names then you will benefit from these payments. For each payment made, not only does it knock directly boost the equity but you can also ask for your monthly payment to be reduced. This equals - more money left in your account each month, to make further investments. Then you could move up the property ladder when you can, to maximise the equity you can make. Alternatively, you could release some equity and even buy a second home to rent out as a pension option.

Tell your DH you want to have a serious discussion about plans for your future, because you are worried about it. Do some research - don't let him fob you off with reassurances that you will get payments from his pension or that it will 'all be OK'., etc. Come up with a plan that you are both happy with.

manicmij · 02/05/2017 18:35

Definitely try to find out best way to give yourself some pension entitlement. Money supermarket would give info I think. Also, if the house is in your partner's name only i.e. not joint with you you may not be entitled to any funds from this especially if not married if he pops his clogs before you. Property is heritable that is if he makes a will giving it to you fine, if no such will all his relatives can make a claim on it. Get your pension sorted out now.

Recaspell · 02/05/2017 19:11

You wouldnt get all his pension.
Hubby number 2 got £600 per month pension up to his death and now i get £200 per month.
Best to plan a head hunnie though Iam having simlar problems with current hubby (not money and pensions) and he wont think about future issues if he or I pass.

If you get through to him let me know how
Good luck

Summerof85 · 02/05/2017 19:21

OP haven't RTFT but just wanted to comment. My DM didn't really work whilst looking after us kids, occasionally worked, no pension. When my DF was in his 60s (he was always financially controlling ) he basically took all the savings out of the joint account and hid them from DM. She didn't leave him despite us wanting her too, basically living hand to mouth. Things are a lot better now financially for her but it's shown me that to always have some financial independence (I work part time with a public sector pension ). Not saying your DH would do this of course. Hope you get your pension sorted Flowers

Vichette · 02/05/2017 20:19

I work in fin servs and you could get all his pension if you are his beneficiary. But it may well be your children he will make that decision. What others are referring to is when their husband had taken annuity and are receiving their pension as a fixed monthly income in these circumstances you would only get a % of the income but even then they must have opted for this from outset and having this option reduces the income amount he would receive. Since the government changed the rules most people don't bother with an annuity so you could benefit from all his pension pot as I initially said.

15thaugust · 02/05/2017 20:37

Sorry your DH is being dismissive. I think you need to make an appointment with an independent financial advisor. If you feel that is something he would go to with you that would obviously be best as it would demonstrate his desire to be emotionally and financially supportive. Good luck.

cheval · 02/05/2017 20:45

Do not expect half of his pension if you divorce much later down the line. Once you don't have dependant children, everything changes. Friend has been left financially precarious after divorce. Just half of house. Nothing else from husband, she was stay at home mum. He is wealthy, money hidden abroad, earns massive salary, co-firm owners stitched her up in court.

dingodon · 02/05/2017 21:37

I think you have bigger problems than not having a pension. Do you have any say over finances? How is spending money between you split after bills? Do you get to spend 100s? Is he dismissive of every idea/suggestion unless it's his own?

He is able to earn what he does because you are a SAHM. Appreciate your worth and make sure he bloody does as well.

Mysteriouscurle · 02/05/2017 22:46

I agree with trifle. Everybody in the family benefited from op being sahm. It clearly suited her dh. Why should she be the only one to lose out financially? It wasnt a long holiday.

My dh works less hours than me. Its fab. No young dc but whenever there are crappy jobs to be done around the house, cleaning, laundry, cooking, staying in all day for that annoying delivery that might not turn up, all the boring appointments to organise I dont generally have to do any of it. Weekends as a result are free to relax, no running around chasing our tails. It totally and completely benefits me. Surely no-one would suggest that he should be financially disadvantaged because of this?

gemma19846 · 02/05/2017 22:48

If you havent worked for 11 years why cant you get a job and start a pension?

AvaCrowder2 · 03/05/2017 00:22

I think mumzypopz is the ops dh.

I'm a sahm who due to my dhs job takes care of the finances. Including pensions. We are both better off for it, and our children are too.

NewYearNewLife53 · 03/05/2017 03:23

So all pps who say it's okay if OP is married, what if her and her husband separated? Would she still be eligible for half his pension? I'm not sure anyone's future is 'guaranteed' unless formal provision is made for it to be so.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 03/05/2017 12:52

Octave worked in the last 11 years but only part time. Due to large age gaps I still have a preschooler so I am currently preparing for a return to a better paid job.
Due to being pretty much solely responsible for house and kids and studying I am not currently unpaid employment.
Thank you for further replies.
O and I do have access to funds. I guess I an just naturally frugal so rarely spend 100's on myself.
House is in joint names and we only have a tiny mortgage

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 03/05/2017 12:57

I have
In paid

OP posts:
laziestsusan · 03/05/2017 13:33

Avacrowder - I've thought the same about mumzypopz throughout that tedious 'argument'.

mumto2two · 03/05/2017 14:09

I totally understand your concerns OP. I have been SAH for about 7 now and due to one of our children's long term health issues, not sure when I will be in a position to return to the workplace. Aside from that, DH works long hours and is often overseas, and we have no family or other support network around. It is interesting how some working mothers on here like to assume the higher ground. Having worked full time with elder DC for nearly ten years, I have experienced both, and neither option has been the cushy alternative. My pension is also dormant, and if we could afford to, I am sure we would be topping it up. The decisions on one parent staying at home, are family made decisions, which impact the emotional and financial wellbeing of everyone in that family. And the person who stays at home, is not entitled to feel less worthy, or less 'proud' of their achievements.

boovoo · 03/05/2017 18:41

I also do 90% of everything home and child related but only 10% of the earning.

Then I suddenly realised my pension had been dormant for ages and OHs mostly had not...

I've changed this and am building my pension and savings back up again.

Better late than never!

But still we should warn new SAHMs or those who take a pay cut when the DC arrive that pension and savings should be equally split...

I don't care if that offends any of those people who have already said how wrong this is - In our family we are all pretty dependant on each other...

If anyone can think of a more equitable split than that i'd be happy to consider it.

lovelykins · 03/05/2017 19:20

A few points;

  1. If your OH dies, you won't get his pension; the only benefit would be a return of his fund built up to the date of his death.
  2. You don't say how old either of you are but, £400 a month only equates to 8% of £59,000 salary - you aren't going to go very far on this level of contribution, I'm afraid.
3.Even if you have no earnings, you can still contribute £2,880 a year which will be grossed up by tax relief to £3,600 a year invested. But this is not as good as the 40% relief your OH would get.
  1. He should complete a tax return, it can be done easily online, if he has nothing to hide, then you may find that he's been paying too much tax and is due a refund. (There are lots of websites that he can have practice on before trying the real thing!
  2. You really need to take ownership of this. You really need to study/understand the situation; too many women rely on their OH's ability which, in reality, is no better than their own and, quite often, inferior because men tend to not to be cautious enough (it's a testosterone thing!) when making investments
  3. Is your OH taking financial advice, or has he been influenced by a direct sales operation? Pouring lots of money into a bad investment isn't going to hep at all.
GloriaV · 03/05/2017 19:38

I was largely a sahm. I made up the necessary payments and am due my state pension in 6 years - but I won't get the full 160 per month. I will get less. I don't know why, but have lived abroad a lot and withdrew my first year or two of contributions to travel abroad when 22. I should make enquiries as to why this is but just wanted to say don't assume anything. Fortunately we are well enough off this doesn't really matter enough to affect my standard of living.

AvaCrowder2 · 03/05/2017 22:27

GloriaV will you get a pension from the overseas country?

Original poster
Fab39ish · 04/05/2017 09:41

The £400 is his contribution but I believe the company put in too.
Thanks again for replies.

OP posts:
GloriaV · 04/05/2017 10:32

I didn't work most of the time as was a trailing spouse. When I did work it was in the Middle East decades ago so doubt there is a pension there.

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