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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by this conversation

177 replies

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 13:38

I am a Sah and have been for the last 11 years bar a bit of part time work.
I have said for a number of years that we really should be sorting out some kind of pension for me. I have a workplace pension which has been frozen since I gave up work. Dh currently pays in some £400 into his own pension.
Each time I mention it I am told o you don't need it as we have mine which I guess is true.
Anyway it came to a head again today as we have some funds from a bond and an inheritance coming out way. This is an inheritance from his family if relevant.
We have spoken about how we will make dome home improvements which I am fine with.
He than said that the rest can go into either his ISA, ISA's for the kids or his pension.
So I again said what about a pension for me? Cue same answer well you don't need it and if I die first you will get my pension. Don't know if it's even true.
So AIBU to just set up a Dd from the joint account to a pension in my name since clearly he has no intention of doing anything about it.
Sorry ling but feeling really low down in the pecking order right now.
Not helped by it being my birthday last week and I had to sort my own present as I didn't say exactly what I wanted. ( well he could have asked).
Yet had enough time to treat himself to something which cost over a hundred pounds.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 18:06

That is the problem, he wants the control. All OP wants in an investment in her future, like the many investments she's made over the years.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:06

And Tali....Not bitter at all. I love my kids and would have loved the life my mum had as a sahm, but times change and i also really love the fact that i contribute equally to the family finances and i don't have to go begging to my husband for a pension. I'm really proud that I've brought up my kids and worked.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:08

Trifle....The "required work" can be done by a childminder, nursery etc .......Paid for by both parents.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:09

I'm really proud that I've brought up my kids and worked

But that doesn't give you the right to be hyper-critical of those who chose differently, like the OP AND HER HUSBAND (although your criticism is reserved for her, naturally Hmm).

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:11

Mumzypopz

So what? Some people - including the OP AND HER HUSBAND - prefer to have one parent stay at home. Some people can't afford childcare. It doesn't matter. It is irrelevant to the arrangement this family have come to. Stop being so weirdly judgemental, it is getting silly now.

kath6144 · 01/05/2017 18:11

Op, can you tell us whether you have an ISA, as well as him and kids, and if not, why not. I suggest this should also be a priority as well as a pension, it is money in your name only, that you can access immediately if he died, became too ill to manage accounts etc.

I have always worked, but PT, 3 days, since having DC. DH has always worked FT and been the higher earner because of that.

However, we have paid equally into ISAs, and due to growth I actually have more than him. However, it has always been a case of all money being joint, and the fact that I earned less due to looking after kids, is irrelevant, it didnt make me less worthy of ISA money.

This year the pendulum has swung the other way, we can afford to put the max 20k into both ISAs, thanks to an inheritance of mine, and a share windfall from my employers being sold off. Obviously if DH had been of the opinion that his ISA deserved more when he earned more, I would have been less inclined to share the inheritance now. But again, it is all joint money in my view. The excess inheritance/windfall money is all in joint accounts.

Pensions have been slightly different, as DH is a Contractor with no Company pension, but he has still paid into a SIPP in my name from his LtD company (I am co sec), albeit not as much as to his SIPP, as I also have pensions with my main employer. Nevertheless, we both will have reasonable pension pots, as well as ISA pots.

Do you have access to joint money in current account(s), savings etc, or does he keep tight control of those? If you can set up DDs yourself, then please do so, both to a pension and an ISA. I would also question why DC have ISAs ahead of you?

I think you to ask why he sees you as less worthy of pension etc than him, and what his view is of the earned money. Does he see it as all shared?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 18:11

The "required work" can be done by a childminder, nursery etc .......Paid for by both parents.

Yes, because that is always so financially viable.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/05/2017 18:13

oops bold fail.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:19

Trifleorbust. This is mumsnet, everyone is hypercritical. The op has asked for opinions, so yes, i do have a right to give one. Think you are getting a bit silly too. Everytime someone puts an opinion on here you don't like, you argue, argue, argue ......Surely, you can expect an argument back.. or are we all supposed to be submissive?

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:20

I do have the remains of an ISA that I invested in pre kids and one further stocks and shares ISA that a financial advisor suggested we open but mine only has a small amount in it.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:21

Mumzypopz

Say what you like. But yes, I think your argument is ridiculous: a mess of irrelevant points and double standards embedded so deep you probably don't even realise you're doing it. It's sad really.

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:21

Tali....Yes actually it is often financially viable, especially in the long term....

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:22

I don't really deal with the joint account much. I pay for groceries etc on the joint credit card. I can set up dds if I want and have a cheque book to pay for school stuff

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:25

So what access to cash do you have that he can't close down/remove at short notice?

He didn't actually say 'his affairs' did he? Hmm

Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:28

Trifle.....When you have to get nasty, you must realise you have lost? Not a mass of irrelevant posts at all, or double standards?! Where are the double standards? All along i have said it's totally up to them, it's not for me and i have explained why. .You seem to have unnaturally pounced onto this. The op has questioned if she is being unreasonable in her thoughts around pension. I have given my opinion. Sometimes you have to accept that other people think differently to you.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:33

When I had my 1St child I would have cleared about £10 a day after paying for child care. I would have had a 60 mile commute
I would have had to do a late start so dh would have had to leave work early to collect.
It just wasn't practical and financially we would only be slightly better off but far more stressed. By the time Dd2 came along we would have been much worse off.
Just when things were settling down and I was working a bit more we had a surprise pregnancy with Dd3. Thankfully got maternity allowance with this one but again it would still be barely cost effective to work full time with two primary aged kids and a baby.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:35

Mumzypopz

Sometimes they do. And sometimes that thinking isn't too solid. Like now. I have tried reasoning with you and presenting arguments that are clearly backed up in what the OP has said (like the fact that her being a SAHP was as much her DH's decision as hers and not some sort of favour to her) but you are determined to keep saying things that have no basis in any logic I can discern. I will leave you to it now, I think.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:37

Yes he did say "his affairs". When he realized that my actions had put over a grand in the pit I hope he would have apologized but he never acknowledged I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:38

Pot

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:38

He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest.

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:40

That was during the stressful time of completing the return trifle but I was shocked still.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 01/05/2017 18:40

Where you say you would have only cleared 10 pound after childcare....Someone said to me once "so you are working to pay childcare". I didn't see it that way, i saw it that both my husband and I were paying childcare, so we both had less, but still financially viable....Ie the childcare wasn't just coming out of my money, it was coming out of both. Both our salaries went up over the years and i now earn slightly more than him....So yes it can be financially viable to carry on working.....But totally respect your choices op.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 18:42

And now he is refusing to top up your pension or put money in an ISA in your name? Do you have access to family money?

Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:48

Yes I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 18:52

True we would have been slightly better off but than on the days I worked dh would have had to leave work early as I would have been too late home to do pick ups and this would have impacted on his career. He had a career type role and mine had much less career progression possibilities.
Certainly a year or do after that he changed jobs and his salary shot up but so did his hours. No way would he have made it back for pick up time.

OP posts: