To think mid thirties is too late

[verbenaa]

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

Of course it's not too late you've got another 35 years of work ahead of you potentially. Same goes for buying your first home mid 30s even on a 25 year mortgage most people will be paid up before they retire. I know people who have just got their first mortgage aged 38 and other people who have completely changed career and made a success of it in their late 30s/40s.

I'm retraining in my mid 40's - will qualify at 50, I suspect I'll be working until 70+ (& have chosen area of retraining with that in mind). If I'm going to work for that long it may as well be enjoyable.

Would have been harder mid 30's as I had three young children including one who was severely autistic & I was fully responsible for.

I'm not starting from scratch though - I have a lot of relevant experience in the area I am retraining in - just need the registration. That will be true for lots of people retraining. For a lot of areas (esp dealing with people) bring older is an advantage).

I get you. I'm in a similar situation - struggling to believe in myself, work for myself as struggled to get work that fits around DS and massive money issues. I also worry that being in late 40s and a really messy work record damages the chances of employment that allows me to meet my financial commitments.

I also get what you say about security - and supply doesn't give you that. Funding comes, funding goes. Been there, done that.

But...it's not too late. I have 25 years till 'retirement' - and I just keep saying that DS will need less commitment from me in only 4 - 6 years time. Then things will be easier. Debt should be paid off in 5 years time.

I get you. But things can change.

All these people retraining and doing professional degrees / training in 40s / 50s - do you think you ever experienced ageism when you applied for jobs and competed with other graduates?

The problem is, I feel worthless.

I feel worthless at home. I am not worth love.

I feel worthless at work. I'm not worth investing in.

So ... here I am, 35, fat, unemployed and about to be single. Marvellous

I think I'm unlikely to orlantina as I have an unusual mix of experience in my area (academic, research sand hands on) - so once I qualify my main problems are likely to be being overqualified and also not being free to move hundreds of miles.

But I'm not that worried. Also I am retraining in an NHS field and with bursaries gone and Brexit the numbers applying to train this year have dropped considerably - so will he less competitive. Once I have enough experience & am fully qualified I'll probably start my own business part time anyway.

Have you got a place to live with your children?
Will you have enough money to support yourself and them?

You sound like me with a voice in your head telling you you're useless. But you also sound like you want to get rid of that voice - and that's a positive.

The children will be with DH, I suppose I'll have to sort myself out one way or another.

OP, I normally hate armchair diagnoses but you sound depressed to me. You should think about going to your GP, perhaps.

OP I have come across quite a few things that look interesting but need a teaching qualification (being a first aid trainer being the latest!)

A teaching qualification would be seen as an advantage in all sorts of areas and careers.

Only with experience at it, Devilish, and assuming you're any good :)

I just want to erase this life and start it all again.

The children will be with DH

How does that work?

Verbenaa - you are far too young to be writing yourself off. And you don't always need experience. Some of the things I was looking at just wanted a teaching qualification then they'd train you for the rest.

Have you registered for guardian jobs - you can get an inbox of ideas each morning.

I'll have a look devilish, thanks :)

My OH went back and did his gcses at 34. Followed by alevels, degree, masters, phd, and is now an assistant professor.
If you want to change just start.

YABVU but non bashing here, you just have to believe us all and go for it! I've done it, and for a change am actually thinking of gearing towards something completely different in the next few years, I'll be doing that next round in my forties. You have more wisdom and experience as you get older, and each thing that you've already accomplished adds weight to the next thing you set out to achieve. I honestly think that it gives you a much more interesting and meaningful life, to add new challenges and to increase the amount of things that you understand and can do well.

Nah, my Mum's career didn't even start until she was 41. At 65 she's now one of the top in her field and has waiting lists for referrals going past 6 months sometimes.

peach she's a urologist. She does say she picked a field where, unlike general surgery, they don't expect you to do OOP and get a phd as well!

Yabu got pregnant at 32, have a first child at 33 and currently looking into options to retrain to a better career to be able to afford more for baby DD

My post about listing different jobs careers etc you have to look at what actually interests you. At this stage suspend thinking about employability.
E.g you might not become an Olympic marathon runner but you might think taking up running as an interest. You don't want to teach so delete that job and look through other stuff that might be of interest.
Think of this as a brand new start.
You don't necessarily need to look at employability or retraining. You might decide to run your own business.
The world is your oyster.

As for being fat and ugly and not getting anyone to be interested in you again I can tell you that is complete poppycock.

I don't want to be too outing but I have a friend who is not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. She looks like the back end of a bus and twice as big,her words not mine, but definitely agree with her . An accident during her childhood left her deformed. . She is married to a guy 12 years her junior who she met when she was about your age. Her life in an instant changed. She gave up her safe but boring office job and went into business with her new partner and has never looked back.

Why if you presumably are the primary care giver is your exh and his new shag getting your children.

You sound as though you have lost your fight. You are only mid 30s. That is still very young especially when you are looking at it from the wrong side of mid 50s

YABU in some ways it's easier.

Easier because if you didn't go to university earlier in life or weren't very 'academic' than you actually have more university course options open to you as a mature student than you would have 20 years earlier with poorer grades competing against your age group. University can be lonelier for mature students so you have to be mentally tough but the career prospects are very good if not better than for similar younger grads.

It's harder because while it's very possible it is mentally tough. There will be a lot of isolation and 'not fitting in' whether you take an apprenticeship, university, or more junior rung on the career ladder.

Ultimately whatever changed career path you take universities and employers in my experience tend to respond well to it because 1 it's rarer so diversifies their new recruits and 2 people who make a bold career changes usually are highly motivated individuals who perform well.

It's never too late to make changes. Ask yourself what would happen if you didn't take the opportunities presented to you? What's the alternative? Your official retirement age (at the moment!) is something like 67 - that's another 30 years plus of working. That is a long time to be unfulfilled. All being well you have many many years of life ahead of you. The important thing is to enjoy yourself and live to your beliefs.

You sound really low. Perhaps focus on your MH for a bit, see the GP? Career stuff can be sorted when you're doing better in yourself.

Your DC would NOT be better off without you.

Your H has cheated and is umming and ahing about staying and mooning over OW: boot him out! The DC will be upset but that doesn't mean you should live like this.

Don't play the "pick me dance". Read stuff like Chump Lady online.

What he, one person, thinks of you, and his lost love for you, is not at all indicative of your worth. His views are skewed by self justification: part of the cheaters' script is to think badly of their partner, helps justify their crappy actions.