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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mid thirties is too late

269 replies

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 09:31

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

OP posts:

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 11:44

Well, just persuade him not to go, really, not to end the marriage.

OP posts:

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 11:45

Ok what's happening in your marriage?

IheartDodo · 01/05/2017 11:46

Because you really want him to? Or because it's less scary than being alone?
Be honest, which option will make you happier in 2/5/10/20 years?

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 11:47

Him staying. He wants to go as he's met someone else. I understand why but it leaves me in a horrendous position. Anyway sorry to go on and on.

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 01/05/2017 11:51

How can it mid thirties be too old to buy your first home? I was 34. Didn't want to until then as I was mostly abroad and moving around until 32. Tbh couldn't see the massive obsession with home ownership and it wasn't a priority in my twenties.

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 11:51

Don't apologize. Can you tell us about it?

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 11:59

He has apparently fallen in love with another woman. She's lovely.

I feel absolutely crap!

OP posts:

SpearmintTea · 01/05/2017 12:00

YABU.

I'm mid 40s and considering 2 years of A levels followed by 3 years of degree. Life is too precious to not do what you want with it, whatever age you are when you decide to make a change.

LordWontYouBuyMeAMercedesBenz · 01/05/2017 12:01

Sounds like you're trying to use it as an excuse not to make the changes you need to make. There's no reason at all being mid 30s or older should stop you doing anything. The poster that said it's too old to think of buying your own house, sorry but that's just ridiculous. I'm mid thirties and just bought first house. If anything it was better to wait as our deposit was bigger after saving longer, which got us a great mortgage deal.

As for careers, not sure what career you're thinking of but even if it was the sort of thing that takes 10years of training. You'd still only be 45 and have 20-25years of working life ahead of you after that.

Whatever your changes are you want to make, write them down, plan a timeframe and get started. Even if it's doing the smallest thing towards your goal. The time is going to pass anyway and in ten years you'll be mid 40s. But it's up to you whether you are mid 40s and still in current situation, or mid 40s with better things going on. Good luck.

SpearmintTea · 01/05/2017 12:03

Sorry, hadn't read the full thread when I posted. What a horrible situation to be in.

tammytheterminator · 01/05/2017 12:03

Jesus, I hope not! I'm mid forties and planning another career change...

My Mum has a similar mindset. Apparently, there are no jobs at the moment. She is long retired, almost 80 and we live in the South. I always say to her, "How do you know, have you been looking?"

Remember that anything is possible and you will go far. Don't limit your thinking.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 01/05/2017 12:07

Dear Verbenaa how can mid thirties possibly be too late Lots of people make a mess of their twenties or find it a horrible, confusing time.
My own son totalled his 20's and now at 35 is buying a house, has his first job and is doing brilliantly and is living with a lovely woman.
I've been divorced twice and each time started again.
i did an MHS degree in my 40's and now have a wonderful career out of it and my own home, in my fifties I got divorced again but I'm ok, I've just been offered my dream job and still have a home of my own.
My friend did her NHS degree in her 60's as she comes from South Africa and has no pension here and for the last 10 years has been running her own chiropody business as nobody would hire her and has been raking in the cash. She can now retire if she wants but prefers to keep working.
The sky is the limit you just need some encouragement, a few lucky breaks and the desire to make something of yourself.
I'm still working on the weight bit but watch this space.

PurpleMinionMummy · 01/05/2017 12:18

Nope. Think of it this way, you retrain in 3/4/5 years, you'll probably still be working until you're 110 (ok well maybe not that bad) with the way pensions are going. You'll still have a good 30-40 year long career ahead of you.

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 12:19

I think it's definitely me that's the problem rather than my age.

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 01/05/2017 12:24

Being happy in a career is far more important than one that will earn you a lot of money,. I think as you get older you realise this more.

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 12:30

The problem is everything just points me towards teaching which I can't do. Anyway like I say it's not just a career. It's having nothing to feel proud of or pleased with, nothing.

OP posts:

scaryclown · 01/05/2017 12:31

Nooo..I accelerated my fitness to outcompete 20year old army officers in my mid 30s..

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 12:35

'She's lovely.'

Er, no she isn't. She is shagging a married man, how lovely can she be?

You are well shut of him. Don't try to persuade him to stay, tell him to go to hell.

scaryclown · 01/05/2017 12:37

I know what you mean. Some of this is people not giving you credit for what.you have achieved..Some of it will be you having achieved lots of things that aren't really what core you wanted to achieve..

Eg i am a total music freak, but managed to never be in a band, work in music journalism, or even go to more than a few festivals. When i feel like you do i think 'shut all i wanted to do was meet someone i liked, make some music and go to a few festivals every year's when instead I've done big community projects, lots of crappy jobs, and some high achieving management things, but without gaining the freedom to do what a lot of people in their 20s do..Just by um actually doing it...

I suspect you might benefit from literally writng down everything you"ve ever done, and seeing that it's a lot more than you think..

Original poster

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 12:38

Unfortunately, it isn't !

I meant lovely looking really Trifle but he thinks she's lovely. Oh god!

OP posts:

seoulsurvivor · 01/05/2017 12:41

I find it staggering that people think once you're over 30, your life is set in stone.

What is realistically stopping you? Yes, children can make it trickier but you also have more experience and more sense.

I had a mh problem all through my 20s and early 30s. Now I am much better and taking time to think what I should do next.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 12:41

Beauty is skin deep, OP. I would rather be hideous on the outside than hideous on the inside.

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. He is a creep by the sounds of it (you said he never really treated you well) and she deserves him.

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 12:42

Yes bin his arse. She is now the proud owner of a bf that she knows will cheat. How good is that ?

Do you want to talk about it? You might want to start a new post in relationships. Honestly you'll get loads of support for this specific issue.

ifcatscouldtalk · 01/05/2017 12:42

verb I doubt very much that it's too late. I do get where your coming from though.
I really want to change direction my life is going in. I'm completely dissatisfied with my pt office job. I have no passion or interest in it at all.
I started thinking I wanted to work in a more people facing role. I think I'd be really good in a support worker type role.
So far I have researched a few charities where I could volunteer on my days off. I could get experience and possibly a foot in the door.
Have I done anything about it? No! Why not? I have no bloody idea. I can't even make the first phonecall. It can only be my mindset that is stopping me!

scaryclown · 01/05/2017 12:43

Hmm, no wonder you are struggling to see positives. What a shitty situation..It's your feelings that are affecting the way you look at things.. you are hurt and flattened by this. I don't think it's possible for you to evaluate things..Its like trying to think positively when you are tired and hungry..It's impossible. Feel your way through this, don't try to think through it.

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