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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mid thirties is too late

269 replies

verbenaa · 01/05/2017 09:31

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

OP posts:
ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 12:46

Scary has a point. Don't try and reinvent yourself when you're reeling from the state of your marriage. Is he still living with you? I think you need to concentrate on getting through this first.

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 12:47

I know, but at the same time I do have to think about the future and it's not looking good.

OP posts:
Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 12:48

I really really appreciate all the answers. Sorry if I sound negative I just a, having such a bad time.

OP posts:
ifcatscouldtalk · 01/05/2017 12:52

Sorry verb I missed some of your other posts, it takes me so long to type a post!! You really need to give yourself a break. I think all the good I'd still to come. Sometimes the worst of situations give us the biggest push. Flowers.

ifcatscouldtalk · 01/05/2017 12:53
  • is still to come.
scaryclown · 01/05/2017 12:59

No you don't need to look at the future. You don't build a tower from the roof down.

One thing i learnt in military training is to expand your safety from where you are..Body intact, check, immediately safe now..Check. if you stay still will you die in next few minutes..Check.. then build from there. It's a good exercise and kept my mind free even with chaos all around..

Then do surroundings. Bedding warm, can you sleep safely,, ensure food, clothes, shelter, tidy around you. Etc.

Eventually that will become a few positive thoughts about possibilities, but treat yourself as injured now and self care to the max. It's your duty soldier..

ticketstub · 01/05/2017 13:04

Rather than training for a new career completely, could you consider finding a admin role in an organisation like the local council or NHS (there's an NHSjobs website)? Admin can be an interesting and varied career and you can get started with basic skills from a college course.

You could apply for a lower level role to gain confidence but once you're in there can be a lot of opportunities to do training courses (e.g. more IT skills) and gain new skills and apply for higher jobs - all whilst earning. You could also swap between different departments until you find something you love eg, whether its doing admin in a hospital or supporting the health promotion team or a community service or children's services. Roles can be flexible with part-time and ad-hoc work available.

nj32 · 01/05/2017 13:05

Great post! I'm late 30s and my family life has changed so it's nice to think it doesn't necessarily mean your life is over and other paths can be followed.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 13:10

I agree with scaryclown. The emotional trauma you are experiencing is making you question everything, but this isn't necessarily how to best take care of yourself right now. Focus on immediate needs first.

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 13:13

I'm hoping we can sort this Sad we have to.

OP posts:
ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 13:14

How are you going to sort it Vebena?

Crackedidiot · 01/05/2017 13:14

You're never too old for love, but you can be too ugly, stupid, lacking in confidence and money to find someone or attract someone

Is this really what you think? Is this you? Because you are so far from wrong I cannot even quantify it. You really need some help to get to the bottom of why you have this mindset and how to get out of it again.
Maybe you are reeling from the thunderbolt from your partner just now and hopefully you will come to see how wrong you were.

Have you ever watched First dates on TV? Do you think all of the participants are beautiful,brilliant ,confident, rich, people? Come on- you know none of that statement is true.

If you want to change your life you need to determine a starting point and work your way through. For example ... is your location perfect ? Your job -does it satisfy you and give you scope for progression. Do your friends support you as much as you would like them to. What are your dreams of -travel ,money,children ?

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 13:17

I've never seen it but I think I am probably a bit more hopeless than they are. I've nothing to offer anybody.

OP posts:
BadToTheBone · 01/05/2017 13:22

YABU, I'm 50 and still have plenty of living to do. If I'd made a change at 35, I'd have made that change 15 years ago. 15 years is a long time. You have about 25/30 years till retirement age.

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 13:26

It's not just about work!!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 01/05/2017 13:32

Blimey! what are you on about at 34?. I was supposed to have retired last year but have just taken on a failing firm and am turning it around, its a lot of work but very worthwhile keeping jobs available for others.

Didn't plan to do that but its were I am now and enjoying every minute of it:)

Wish I was 34 again tho;!

I've never seen it but I think I am probably a bit more hopeless than they are. I've nothing to offer anybody.

That's a load of total bollocks, of course you have something to offer!

Everyone does its that sometimes its difficult to see what it is!

Ecclesiastes · 01/05/2017 13:32

My life doesn't look how I want it to at all, but I feel like to make it
look that way I would have to start again from scratch!

YABU. And I say this as gently as I can, but when you're my age you will look back on yourself in astonishment, and weep at how you thought you were past it when you were only in your thirties.

Remember that it's a very rare person whose life hasn't taken a dramatic turning or two along the way, and who has had to start again 'from scratch' (which isn't actually 'from scratch', is it?)

WannabeHippyChick · 01/05/2017 13:32

If you feel you can't change career but you want to change your life, could you relocate? Somewhere exotic & far removed from where you seem to be so unhappy? It could be running away, I guess, but on the other hand it could open up some amazing new experiences & opportunities.

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 13:38

I would but I have children to think of, home and so on. Mind you maybe the kids are better off without me.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2017 13:42

Verbena why not try going running each day. Just 20 minutes each day it gets your endorphins going. It also gives you time to think.

I am all for writing down negative and positives and goals in life no matter how vague.

Then working out how to turn negatives into a positives. Grouping stuff together when you see it all written down and making a plan.
I also think if you don't like your life then it is up to you to change it, no one is going to do it for you.

I also think the CBT sounds just what you need.

I don't know ... that's a huge part of the problem. I don't know what I would be good at and what I would want to do

I don't know if it would help but with ds he didn't have a clue what he wanted to do as a career. I wrote down, (copied and pasted) all different types of jobs, careers , interests and ds went through deleting stuff he really didn't want to do. Then again thinking about things more then again whilst putting things under different areas of jobs eg office, sport, construction etc.
Ds decided he really didn't want to work in an office so deleted all those type of jobs until he was left with a couple of industries and he is going to be training in both of those areas doing 1 year at college learning one industry then 1 year at another college doing something else.
The results were surprising but when we thought about it , it made everything clear and he could actually visualize himself doing these careers.

So if you are not interested in teaching then teaching would get deleted. Just go through and it might surprise you what you are left with.

Original poster
verbenaa · 01/05/2017 13:44

It's not just that I'm not interested in stuff. Like I would teach if I thought anyone would employ me!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 13:46

Verbena:

A lady I know made what she considers to be a mess of her life. She left home as a teenager with O levels but no higher qualifications. She had lots of children by several different men. She had problems with alcohol, depression and went through several breakdowns.

She now has a Masters degree and is about to start her doctorate. She is in her 50s.

It's not over until it's over!

Liiinoo · 01/05/2017 13:52

Have\into worked in finance and retail all my life I did a MSc in Pyschotherapy at 50 despite the fact I hadn't any academic qualifications apart from a few O levels I got aged 16. I was interviewed and had to submit an essay to show I was capable of writing at Masters level. I am a completely different person now to the person I was at 35. It's never too late.

Cromwell1536 · 01/05/2017 13:55

ThisIs - why do you say that? Most mortgages last 25 years, so buying at 35 anticipates 60 - not even retirement age - as the point at which it would be paid off. Of course, it would be NICE to have everything paid off at 50, but for most people, that's not a realistic prospect.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/05/2017 14:12

Why wouldn't anyone employ you to teach? You could try part time if you're unsure, supply even where you can say no if you don't want a specific day or school.

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