To think mid thirties is too late

[verbenaa]

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

verbenaa

I also have a good friend who is getting married soon, in her late 60s. She's been with her partner for about a decade now. (She was single for a long time after a divorce).

Just because things are one way now, doesn't mean they are that way forever. Honestly, mid-30s is still everything to play for. You could be in training for your new career and happily married with a child before you hit 40!

A lot of it is a facade.

Unless you are very, very close to someone, they are unlikely to tell you the ins and outs of their life.

What you see from colleagues, acquaintances etc is all carefully constructed to make everyone else think they have a charmed life. You never know what's going on behind closed doors.

There is a way out, there is a better life out there for you if you want it. It just might seem a bit overwhelming and impossible at times. It is possible. You can do it.

That's exactly how I feel verbena - if I had a successful personal or professional life I think I would be happy with that but not to have either feels hopeless. This is not the life I hoped for but with no money or support around I feel trapped in it.

YABU, I'm 34 and I had a nervous breakdown due to bullying 20 years ago. Last year I had a year of therapy and counselling to help me come to terms with everything. I now have more confidence than I did before I started, it even gave me the courage to leave my abusive ex. This year I started a new job, going into care homes to teach carers/disabled adults about sexual abuse and I moved into my first house.

I also read this book and the author says that she was in her 40's before she began to make changes. www.amazon.co.uk/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/0937611018/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1493633010&sr=1-1&keywords=you+can+heal+your+life&tag=mumsnetforum-21

You're never too old to make changes imo.

Dh is 49. He's lost almost 3 stone in the past few months. He's now talking about retiring from his job and starting a business with me renovating houses. I've done a couple myself but am chronically ill so it's slow slog. To do this, we'd have to downsize drastically to be mortgage free. Our dd is going to secondary in two years time so we have to be careful where we move. Obviously we have a fair bit of money behind us now but we didn't in the past. You're a spring chicken my love.

In my 30s. When I left abusive relationship and became a single parent I figured that due to mental ill health and abusive ex I'd put my life on hold. I didn't quite know what I wanted (in part I still don't). I did know that I wanted to make changes though and being out of education for such a long period of time I decided to start with a small ICT course, 6 months 2 days a week. After doing really well in that it spurred me on to consider University as a mature student, I didn't need an access course or A Levels for my choice but decided I probably should do Access. I did that and am now at the end of my first year of Uni.

My advice is that the time will pass regardless of what you do. You can spend that time thinking it's not worth it or you can spend your time doing it. I don't know what I will do when I finish University. It may well be nothing at all to do with my degree but I will still be proud that I have accomplished it and think I'm setting a great example to my son.

By the time I finish I'll be 35/36 yrs old. Absolutely plenty of time left to work my way up the ladder in whatever profession I choose. Not only that but it's done wonders for my self esteem.

If you don't do it then what will you do instead? I imagine if you don't do it then in 5 years time you'll be thinking "I'd have finished by now and be on my way to a new career".

There are also plenty of women, who have no career and are in unhappy marriages. They don't have either. They have a man supporting them.

YABVU.

Two stories...

My DM who had been a single mother who had dropped out of college and who worked in a very hateful and low skilled job packed it all in at 35 and went back to uni. Got a first, did a Masters, then a PhD with a scholarship she won from Oxford Uni and became a university lecturer.

I had mental health issues and had two full on breakdowns in my early to mid 30s. Ended up in psychiatric hospital. I was also unhappily single, £28k in debt with no savings or assets, didn't drive, unhappy in my job, etc.

Three years later I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder which is now stable after finding the right medication and going through (a lot) of therapy. I finish paying back my debt at the end of this year (£4K left to pay), I have £40k savings towards a house deposit, I've learnt how to drive and got made redundant (blessing in disguise) and have a job I enjoy. I also get married on 1st December

Society is changing. We're working longer, living longer, buying property later (if at all). The job market is more fluid. We all have to reinvent ourselves to survive.

I'm in my late 40s. Got my first ever full-time role in the last five years in a sector I'd not worked in until my early 30s. Now earn half as much again. Mid-30s seems impossibly young and full of opportunities!!

Nationally, the average age of the first time buyer is now 30.

In London, it is 32.

Source

If you don't have either, what are you? You're nothing

Ouch. There are so many other ways of defining people that don't involve their careers or their partners.

I'm a cyclist and a horse owner. A cat whisperer; photographer; writer; activist; friend; honorary auntie to several children. I could go on but that's revealing enough as it is. Your worth does not come solely from a partner or a career. And yes, sure, those things are great but they are not the be all and end all.

Having now RTFT can I honestly just say that a lot of you women are incredibly inspiring!
A lot of you have done what I hope to do, that is start all over again. Obviously I'm making headway by getting a degree but you're all making me see that a fresh start is something I absolutely can achieve and I'm not seeing it as somewhat more exciting than daunting - thanks ladies!

Haven't read tft. I had kids at 35 and 36, graduated when my DS was 3 months old, moved the other side of the country, changed careers at 40 and am now mid divorce. Can't wait for it to be finalized so I can get on with the next episode.

I made huge life changes at 39, redundancy, travelling and back to full time university. I had a complete change if direction from the civil service to the voluntary sector, I then decided to adopt and my son came home when I was 47. For financial reasons I went back to the civil service but am planning changes when my mortgage is paid off when I am 55

You are defining yourself by external factors like job, house, partner etc. - none of those things are you. You need to find yourself which can be hard if you are in an abusive relationship as someone else has a vested interest in destroying your sense of self. You might want to consider the Freedom Programme for women who have been in abusive relationships.
Usually people have more choices than they realise but struggle to see them as options. CBT or coaching can help help you see how your thought processes can cage you in.

A lot of people are very inspiring yes,

Gemi I'm glad you understand though as this is my reality and I am stuck in it. Sorry for the mope. But people are focusing on careers and I really do think I've arsed up with mine and in any case I don't have any ideas what I do want.

I'm not too worried about having a new partner yet because some members of my family did not get married until 38 and had kids when they were in their 40's. And when I joined my church last year, there was a lady there who was in her 60's and she got married for the first time last October. So imo you're never too old for love. My philosophy for me with regards to having children is if it happens great, if it doesn't happen that's ok too.

You're never too old for love, but you can be too ugly, stupid, lacking in confidence and money to find someone or attract someone :)

This thread is inspiring. OP YABU -we are never too old!
I'm 40. Crap gcse results but have decent if limiting vocational qualifications. I'm planning big changes in the next couple of years including looking at the open university and the possibility of retraining in a totally new direction. Frankly it's a terrifying thought to make such wholesale changes after years of complacency but I will do it.

About to make a huge life change in 2019. I will be nearly 60

Maybe I can persuade him to stay.

Verbena - would you level the accusation of being too ugly, too stupid or too lacking in confidence at anyone else for not getting on in life? I guess the answer is no. Please stop being so mean on yourself and consider some counseling or CBT.

It's always hard to change things. It's often more comfortable to stay with the known than leap into the unknown, even if the known is boring and you've become complacent. I changed jobs at 54, for a completely different - but less stressed - one. Big jump, but I'm happier.

So, how brave do you feel? What are the pros and cons? But take it easy on yourself, can you do something in little steps? And don't beat yourself up if you decide not to, only you know what's right for you.

Well, not out loud as I wouldn't want a smack in the mouth :) but there are some hopeless cases, aren't there?

What do you mean by persuade him to stay?