To think mid thirties is too late

[verbenaa]

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

I think:

• Better sooner than later (at any time), but also;

• Better at the right time, than change for change's sake. Or you can expend a lot of effort on something difficult that you don't really 'feel' and doesn't take you where you really want to be. Also;

• Small changes are easier than large ones and change, trying new things, bravery, flexibility are habits. So start small. Get into the habit of broadening your horizons and giving things a go. Don't sit around waiting for a revelation.

Now suppose you didn't even have GCSEs. You'd have to do them and A levels (or access or whatever) THEN the degree and PGCE

A friend of mine was in a similar position. He applied to do an u/grad degree with the argument that his experience was equivalent to A levels. His application impressed the university so much he was able to go straight into a Masters. He got a distinction and was pushing 50 at the time.

Thing is, we could all produce stories like that but if you don't believe you personally can do it OP they won't make any difference. I'd get some life coaching or something to help explore your attitudes to things. You can make major or minor changes. You're only a small way into your adult life, but as the cliché goes, you will need to want to change.

Oh and obviously those sound contradictory. They're not really. My suggestion is to start now, small, keep going and you'll find your path.

Hi OP

I feel exactly like you!! Have previously trained as a teacher but it wasn't for me. I am now mid thirties - single, unhappy in my job, no children and can't afford to buy my own home. I don't really know what I'd like to do but I know I'm not happy. The problem is I can't afford to retrain, even if I did know what I want to do and it just feels like life is passing me by - completely understand how you're feeling.

xx

Well, thank God you are free now. What joy. If I'd still been with my XH absolutely none of the good stuff would have happened. I am certain the same will be true for you.

Are you currently working? In teaching?

You'll almost definitely be expected to be working till you are 70+. Even if you finish re-training and find a job by 40, it's still a hell of a long time.

Also, 34 is definitely not too late to be a first time buyer. By the time DP buys a house, he'll be that age. Working abroad means he'll be able to buy it in cash and be a mortgage-free first time buyer.

No, haven't worked properly for a while. All I can get is little bit jobs with intervention with pupil premium money. Keep being casually offered stuff by one school and having it withdrawn due to 'funds' which I understand but it's incredibly cruel to keep me hanging and part of me thinks I should have self respect and walk away but true to form, I don't.

I'm still with husband but he is making plans to move out.

I think if I did know what I wanted life to look like it would be a start I suppose.

No it's not too late. I left my abusive partner at 32. Lived in a hostel for 6 months and then various temporary accommodation in a completely random city, while studying A levels at night school and temping. Went to uni to do a allied healthcare professional degree. Got a job in a location that I always wanted to live and then bought a house there. I've just got a promotion to a senior position. I'm not rich by any stretch but I'm happy.

YANBU - it's definitely too old to be thinking about buying a first home that's for sure.

What a ridiculous thing to say... especially given current house prices and given people in mid-thirties have 30-35 years of working life left. I expect you are being a GF!

I don't think it's too late.

Someone I knew at medical school started at 34.

5 years undergrad and 7 (paid) postgraduate years of training later she is almost a consultant surgeon (3 more years to go) and will have over 20 years working in that role before she retires!

Something she taught me is never to feel trapped in a situation

Depends entirely on the significant changes.

Mid 30s is too late to do a lot of things. So you're massively unlikely to make the Olympics or have a successful modelling career if you're not well on that path already. It's not too late to do lots of other things, so for example many people start businesses that go on to be successful in or well after their mid 30s, or have a child, or meet a new partner. Or they use existing skills and build on them, so for example someone who is trained as a teacher but can't/doesn't want to work as one might become a tutor instead. Mid 30s would obviously not be too late for that.

Also, everyone else is not sorted and together. You just think that because you aren't, so it's blinding you to other people's difficulties and failings too.

Maybe it is just the people I know then :)

Lots of good advice already on this thread which I won't repeat.

OP, in my early 30s I had no qualifications (well, a couple of low-grade CSEs for those who remember them, an utterly worthless worse-than-O-level exam), was renting a horrible one-bed flat for me and 2 DDs in a town I didn't like, surviving from week-to-week on low-paid jobs pre-NMW, had very few friends and no life outside of childcare and work, and following a disastrous relationship with my DDs' father was completely screwed up about relationships. Looking back, although I didn't see it at the time, a lot of this was underpinned by me believing that nothing good would ever happen to me, and acting accordingly - I thought it wasn't worth trying to change things because it would never work. I got very low indeed.

With some help from my GP (who prescribed CBT which others have talked about on this thread) I was gradually able to turn things around - went back to FE and then university, moved to a different town, eventually got a new job paying better than I'd ever imagined (not a fortune, but I don't need a fortune) in a completely different part of the country, came out as lesbian, took up a couple of new hobbies and made lots of good friends through them, bought a house etc. It didn't all happen at once, and it wasn't always easy, but I'd call that a complete turnaround. So in my experience, yes, it's possible. CBT was a life-saver to me, though, and helped me break the habit of seeing myself as one of life's victims.

Oh dear. I am 50 and training for a new career. I intend to work as long as I can at least until 70 and I wanted to do something different. I won't qualify until I am 52. You are never to old to change direction imo.

blinkblink

I started medical school in my mid-30s. Anticipating a 25-year career on the other side. Most would consider that a "well-paid career that people commit to early on"...

I never thought that I couldn't do it, though. I can appreciate how longstanding MH issues colour your mindset. I hope that some of the posts here might help you see things differently?

They do. And well done on medical school, it can't have been easy. I just feel stuck. I can't go forwards so I've been endlessly looking back and beating myself up.

Wow, caoraich, sugery was one field I had (regretfully) conceded might be out of reach for an older graduate. Are you able to say what type of surgery your friend is doing?

(sorry to hijack!)

When you're in your 70s, you'll look back at yourself now, and think "wow, I was so young!"

Mid-30s is a great time to start something new. I didn't get together with DP till my mid-30s and nearly 10 year on we now have 2 DC, live in a completely different town, and both have totally different careers.

The world is your oyster,!

Well... at 36 I retrained for a new career which I bloody love, am good at, and am confident I will be pretty successful in.

At 37 I shrank from a size 16 to a size 10 and now run competitively.

At 38 I moved to a brand new country that I had never set foot in before.

Fortunately I didn't get the memo about mid-30s being too late.

For my 40s I plan to do a Masters and take up basketball and drumming.

I doubt everyone you know is sorted OP! Betting most of them are at least slightly shit because, you know, humans generally are.

I wish I didn't care but I did. The one thing that gave me a sense I maybe wasn't a complete waste is going and I'm left with Me.

verbenaa

Apols if this has already been mentioned, but have you thought of professional coaching to get to the bottom of what you really want to do, what really motivates you? I see PPs have suggested CBT, which I think is also a good idea, but coaching would be more to do with helping you to identify and focus on a goal.

(I had a little coaching in conjunction with my old job, and it turns out what really motivates me is "trying to solve problems"...then it all became clear!)

PS. It wasn't easy ;)

degree at 42, PGCE at 43, now a senior FE manager Wont make Principal as now 61 but not bad

Thanks peach that's possibly a good idea too. I just feel helpless.

The thing is

I know plenty of women people who don't have careers as such but they do have husbands and happy families.

I know plenty of people who are career focused and successful.

If you don't have either, what are you? You're nothing.