To think mid thirties is too late

[verbenaa]

To make significant changes! Sorry for the bold but I'm not talking about - lose a couple of stone, spend a year at college to train as a teacher, buy a new house.

I mean it's too late to completely steer your life in a different direction. Careers which pay a lot of money tend to be ones people commit to early on. If you haven't got much in the way of savings or got into good habits money wise it's hard to change that mindset. If you've had an ingrained mental health problem for over twenty years then it's probably a bit late to treat it successfully.

So AIBU?

I sort of hope so but also want honesty but NOT a kicking. In a bad place and all.

Well it looks big if you put it like that OP. Try changing one thing, and see what follows

OP I totally get you. Im mid thirties and would love to have a new career but can't do it. I've got a long standing mental health illness since my childhood and don't think I'll ever get better.

Well I'm 54 and having been made redundant am training to be a bookkeeper. I've loved studying again and hope to set up my own business in a few months. I decided it was something I could do for the next 10 years so worth it.
So if I'm not too old you are certainly not. Good luck with it all.

I don't think I will either NoIT.

Career is part of it. But only part. The truth is I am a chaotic mess and I don't know how to change.

I had CBT at 34, its changed a lot - the way I think, and the way I think about how I think, if that makes sense! I'm a lot more accepting of things, the anxiety I feel will never disappear but I take it with me and accept it now. It was a life changer.

I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 36, both massive life changing events.

My life is incredibly different to how it was at 30 (I'm 37 now), massively so. I live in a different town, married, babies, new friends (having been a person who didn't really have any).

It all started, to be honest, with saying yes to something I would normally say no to. It was a date with someone from work, which I considered too risky in case it went wrong.

So maybe, start with saying yes to something you would say no to. Try something different. You don't have to have a 10 year plan to change your life.

From your posts it sounds like this is less to do with your age and more to do with your view of yourself. If a friend the same age wanted to make the same changes, What would you advise her? Would you think it was too late for her?

I don't think 30s is late at all. I have two friends who did gcses and access during their 30s and graduated uni in their 40s. A friend has just started uni at 49 (with full intention of making a new career of it when she graduates).

I'm in my 30s and pension projections etc expect me to work to 67 or longer, so that could be another 30 -40 years to do something new - loads of time!

If you're chaotic, accept it, accept who you are! I think CBT might be incredibly useful to you, to accept who you are and move on.

I would have to start again from scratch!

In my early 40s I pretty much did, verbenaa!

New single life, new home, new career. And really, really happy after years of depression & self harm. Don't doubt yourself.

I do think some careers you have to pursue when you're younger such as medicine, law and aspects of finance and banking. In lots of these professions if you haven't made it to a senior level by the time your late thirties then it isn't going to happen. However if you want to pursue a new career that isn't ultra competitive then age shouldn't be a barrier. You do have to be realistic about what it is you want your probably not going to become a surgeon if your just re-training at nearly 40

verbenaa Ok, I get that. But what is it about your life that you're not happy with?

Is it the work life balance?
Not enough money?
Single and no chance to meet anyone?
Don't like your house?
The area?
Just the decor?
Your diet?
Your exercise regime?
Your general lifestyle choices (e.g. into pjs by 7 everynight and a glass of wine after marking before falling asleep..?)

Some of it you probably can start to look at but you need to separate it from being one big wooly jumble of "everything's crap" into strands that can be addressed one by one.

If you get some stuff sorted out, some of the other stuff might not feel so shit.

OP

I totally understand. I'm at a cross road. I don't want to teach anymore, but my whole life and career led to that.

Now, I know I want to change, but I'm at a loss. All my skills lead me back to where I am and I'm overwhelmed with what to do next.

No practical advice, but I understand where your coming from.

I started uni at 32 - never finished school, worked in low paid physical job my whole adult life. Now I am five weeks off graduating in a completely different field with great marks at 36. I'm hopeful I can establish myself in a great job and be ready to buy a property within the next 5 or so years. Also ready to meet someone (after my last relationship went to shit a year ago) and start a family. What the hell you never know!
Also - re mental health and losing a couple stone - this is an excellent time in your life to work over your health. You are now old enough to know why you want it and be disciplined enough to get it in a way that you might not have been in your twenties. In fact, your 40's and 50's are ideally suited to exercise like marathon running - go figure! All that stuff about athletes having to be children is actually innacurate - not that I'm sayin gyou have to be a marathon runner, but just that the older human body is particularly suited to endurance work and can respond amazingly to flexibility training. Look it up!
Re: mental health - as with fitness, you may now be old and mature enough to actually do the right stuff. I mean eat right and get lots of sleep and not (for example) self-medicate and sabotage with bottles of wine every time you are feeling down You're an adult, you can change the shape of your life. The media feeds us all sorts of shite about youth and aging - it's all BS.
YABVU - mid thirties is just the beginning. Have fun out there!

I probably secretly would, NeedMore, although if it was someone younger than me I wouldn't.

I hope it's possible. Not sure how to access CBT. GP?

Ah, x posted.

In which case, separating the strands might help. It's really helped me.

Could you afford to do supply?

It's what I do. I work full time but it frees up my evenings and weekends so that I can begin to work on the other aspects of myself/my life.

verbenaa, in what ways does your life not look as you want it to?

I think of 30s as very young. I have to though - I had done bugger all in my mid 30s and would have spiralled into despair if I had thought things were set! I had no house, no children, no career, no money; my friends were party friends, not real friends; I had a string of crap boyfriends behind me and no partner.

I am 45 now and I have two children, a house, a career, lots of hobbies, not that much money but no debt, and most importantly, plans and hopes.

What would you like to have in your life?

There is so much joy to be had in life. Go find it OP - you'll never regret it I promise you

YABU, mid 30s is just getting started on everything. Good luck with whatever you try, give it a whirl, you'll regret it if you don't.

the "strands" advice is good. But you don't have to do everything in the "right" order.

Depends what for!
To be a ballerina, probably!
But something realistic, no!
I don't know much about CBT or some of the other things people have suggested, but maybe you would benefit from seeing a careers advisor?
On the academic front, do you have a local college you could talk to about access courses etc?

I've always found it helpful to have a scrapbook of magazine pictures that appeal to me - house/decor/lifestyle/garden type stuff - it gave me a real insight into what I was yearning for without really realising it! 30 years later, when I look back at my first one, it's amazing how similar my life is now to what I'd stuck in my scrapbook... and how different from where I was! Good luck x

This is actually the happiest thread I have read on MN for ages. All your stories of change are really amazing to read! Makes me feel good about the chances I have taken - they haven't quite come to fruition but they are coming!

Looking

I am absolutely pathetic (I know) hear me out.

I had NO confidence as a child/teenager and even young adult. I genuinely thought I was very ugly and fat and although I fronted it out in some ways I just didn't like myself very much.

I fell into an abusive relationship because that gave me self esteem. It was like - well, okay I am ugly and fat and awful but there is one person who thinks I'm not, so I have to hang onto him no matter how he treats me because if he goes, I have no one who sees me like that. I know that's a tangled up point but it would have been like hurling out makeup that made you beautiful even if you were allergic to it.

And the laughs on me now as he's met someone else and I have nothing and I don't have my mirror and I realise now I never did.

I like you Anti :)

There are some changes you won't get away with. You probably won't be President of the United States or an Olympic show jumper . But most stuff is a matter of mindset and determination.

I emigrated to Australia aged 42. I've just lost a stone too! My career is taking off. I'm 44 now.