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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
flownthecoopkiwi · 30/04/2017 21:10

I don't judge but I do get annoyed by SAHM who declare that their job is to look after their school aged children and run the home and they are hugely busy.

Well, I do all that, with preschooler too and work. You do less in the same amount of time, which I can understand I suppose...

My SIL is unmarried, left her career and has a school aged child. I think she is mad

Mammylamb · 30/04/2017 21:12

I really couldn't give a flying fuck what any other woman does. I'd love to stay at home but can't afford to so don't.

AndNowItIsSeven · 30/04/2017 21:16

""while my DH was working full time. I would feel guilty that my life was so much easier than his "
If that was the case you would be doing the sahm role wrongly.
I currently have pre schoolers but when I didn't I still " worked " all school hours to ensure evenings and weekends were relaxing and job free.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 21:16

I don't judge people for it, but as PP have said, I really do worry about women who make this choice, I think it makes both them and their children incredibly vulnerable

yes. It's easier to get a FT job if you already have at least a PT job (if you need to, e.g. your DH has been fired/investigated for fraud/gone bankrupt.. all things that have happened to people in my circle)

I've had SAHM friends who thought they'ld have lots of transferable skills from running groups and being treasurer of X or Y but it's meant squat when they've had to seek employment after a big gap. A lot of candidates with a full work history also volunteer and run clubs in their spare time, and I've been interrupted in interview when I answered with an example from my extra-curriculars and they said "sorry, we mean how did you do that ^in your last job" "

A few application forms I've done have asked for "within the last 12 months" on several sections.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 21:16

I don't judge but if I'm honest I don't understand it, I'd honestly have been bored shitless and that's not because I'm a boring personand yes I do love my daughter very much indeed and no I don't feel guilty. I enjoy being financially independent, my career has been challenging and rewarding and I feel equal in my relationship,I also think my daughter respects my choices and my work ethic and learned from it.

I don't judge someone negatively for not working, I have good friends who don't, but it's not for me personally, it's not my scene at all.

notonoanoa · 30/04/2017 21:18

OP how would you be okay financially if your DH left you for someone else and you had 10 years blank on your cV? spousal maintenance is capped now.

NewBallsPlease00 · 30/04/2017 21:19

On the flip side I work FT and am openly judged frequently.
I don't know anyone who thinks they have it perfectly Sussed
I wouldn't judge anyone for their choice or more likely their necessity- can go either way!

ifcatscouldtalk · 30/04/2017 21:20

This is just another area where women do judge other women. There are so many family set ups that people should just do what works for them and sod what other people think. You will never get approval from all. The latest thing for me is being questioned over when I'll go from p/t to f/t as my daughter's getting older.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:21

" My only reason for wanting a friend to get back to work would be if they feel they want to and are sad they can't"
Even if they need the money? There do seem t be a group of women (mainly) who feel work is there for them when they get bored but in reality it's the man who earns the money.
I work for much the same reason as dh does. Technically I don't need to, we could adjust our lifestyle for me to sah. And ams the other way round but he's never asked to justify why he works when he doesn't need to!

Graceflorrick · 30/04/2017 21:21

I don't judge. Most of my friends, in fact, all but one work so I don't give it much thought.

Orangebird69 · 30/04/2017 21:21

I'm a SAHM and happy with that choice. I plan to be a sahm until ds starts reception - maybe that will change, who knows? Couldn't give a shit either way what anyone's opinion of that is, but it's been mentioned a couple of times on hear and it's irritated me - that WOH will instil a good work ethic. So, the fact that I'm a sahm now and possibly for a few years yet means that I can't do the same? Even though I worked for over 20 years before I had my ds? Ffs.

JayneAusten · 30/04/2017 21:22

I love it when people stay at home with their preschool children. What a lovely luxury to be able to have. We did it and had no money for years and years but it was so worth it for us.

I genuinely don't understand why women don't seek employment when their children go to school though and yes - hands up - I do judge. I think it looks lazy. And tbh it looks double lazy when they say things like (quoted from above): Being a sahp is a full time job whether the kids are at home or not! - it's really not. People who work do all the same things plus often an actual full time job.

My dad left my mum when she was in her 50s. Stay at home mum for 25 years. It was impossible for her to get back into work. Nobody hires 50+ year olds that have been out of the work environment for 25 years. Times were really, really tough for her for a long time and the future she'd imagined of their retirement together just faded away. Children left home and she had nothing left to show for it all and it was very difficult.

I do also wonder what the DHs think - I mean really think. I can't imagine getting up and going to work full time whilst my other half does the school run and then has time to themselves to do whatever they feel like, spending the money that I was earning and not even looking after the children as their part of the deal cos the kids are in full time school. I would really resent it. A SAHM friend of mine's husband left her a couple of years ago because he said he was sick of supporting another adult. I would feel the same. I also find domestic work a total drudge and find work far more mentally stimulating and fulfilling.

MaisyPops · 30/04/2017 21:24

I don't judge. Each to their own.

But do feel that non-married SAHP are taking a massive risk with their security should the worst happen, especially those who move into his house where it's his name only on the mortgage.

You see set ups on MN where the mum pays bills, child expenses etc and the dad pays the mortgage on his house. shit hits the fan and the mum gets nothing.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/04/2017 21:24

andnowitisseven I definitely couldn't be one of those SAHP who make an industry out of housework, so in that sense you are right, I wouldn't be capable of doing a SAHP role 'correctly'!

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 21:26

another scary example from RL that would put me off was the DH running off debts that meant there were no assets to divide by the time they split. For a while they appeared to have a very enviable life but he had hidden a lot from her, she wasn't an idiot either she was an ex solicitor, he was just so sneaky that you wouldn't even think to check for some of the shit he pulled

I think that women who do SAHM long term must be very optimistic, I could never have that kinda faith that circumstances won't change, which is why at times I've worked "at a loss"

MaisyPops · 30/04/2017 21:26

But I DO judge comments like this Being a sahp is a full time job whether the kids are at home or not!

Stay at home if you like. But don't try to tell me that it's a full time job with no kids around most of the time. It's like women who claim being a stay at home wife is a full time job. Bull shit. Working people do all that home stuff and work.
I'll not judge the choice to stay at home but will judge the stupid suggestions that people are martyrs to their house and it's a full time job.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 21:28

JayneAusten - my DH really doesn't resent me being st home at all though - Why would he? It makes his life easier and he wouldn't be where he is now if he'd had to limit his hours. He doesn't mind what I do in the day because he knows the evenings are very heci for me.

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:29

I think sahp are selfless wonderful people.

Put it this way, I know a lot of working mums who have chosen to go back to work because being a sahm isn't 'their scene' as delightfully put by another poster.
Which means they would prefer to spend time at work then with their children.
They would prefer to be at work and possibly miss their first step and words. They would rather be at work then pick their children up from school, and lets face it a lot of them prefer to out with friends at the weekend too.

I also know a lot of mums who have no choice, and it's a crying shame that they have to go to work and miss out on being there for their children.

If you have the choice to stay at home and staying at home is what you do, how can that be a bad thing? You are always there when they have inset days summer holidays, impromptu school events and when they're ill.

Anyone who judges you for that is stuck up and probably thinks that you make them look like a bad mother, because they could never do it 'it's not their scene' (how lovely 😊)

Hold your head high, your doing what's best for your family and putting them first, rather then some career.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:30

Ooh do these children not have fathers?

sizeofalentil · 30/04/2017 21:30

I wouldn't judge - but I would worry that it would leave you trapped if you ever wanted to leave the marriage, or if your DH ever left you (not that it would happen, but, you know what I mean).

A relative of mine quit her job for her boyfriend (no DC yet… As far as I know) and I really worry about her having to ask for cash for everything from food, to tampons, to hair dye, to her phone bill.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:30

And ha ha at some career. Does yor oh have some career?

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:32

My mum went back to work when I was eight. I know she desperately wanted to go back sooner but my Dad was controlling and she felt guilty about leaving me.

I wish she had gone back sooner, it wouldn't have blighted my childhood in the slightest.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 21:32

OH what guff Sarahmum

I work full time and there is only 1 day a week that I'm not there for school pick up! I didn't miss first steps or words (was on maternity leave obvs Confused

You're talking shite, I'm there for my kids just as much as the mums who spend school hours when the kids aren't there "managing the household"

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:32

Stealth was that aimed at me?
Of course he has a career...made easier because I look after the family and don't have to rely on someone else to do it.

MaisyPops · 30/04/2017 21:33

Hold your head high, your doing what's best for your family and putting them first, rather then some career.
Comments like that make me dislike the 'I'm so noble because I've understood that motherhood means I sacrifice my career' view.

I don't mind what people do. Stay at home or work full or part time. Make the choice that is right for your family.

But I can't stand the martyr mothers who want kudos for staying at home like it's some morally preferable situation. It's up their with people calling their job "full time mummu" on Facebook and chatting about being a Momtrepreneur with their MLM bots.