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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 02/05/2017 12:48

Cool so i can add reformed prostitute on my cv?😂😂

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 12:48

fluffball

I've known several wohm who have admitted to using their feminine wiles to get round their dh for a new type of white good, not broken but a bit aged and they preferred new. Grin
Not every wohm is a high earner, who could afford it herself.
Some wages just cover childcare so the family are hard up and can't always afford these new things.

I've also known several traded in for a newer model, not necessarily younger though. Their dh's cited that their dw had no time for them after career and work, so they went for someone who did have time for them.

So, you see it works both ways, I'm sure there are reasons why a man might have an affair when they have a sahm too.

Unless there is resentment of the others working status breakups can't be for this reason, can they?

What this thread has proved is there is no reason detrimental or positive that is reserved for wohm or sahm.

RebelRogue · 02/05/2017 12:49

Oh and I won't get paid during the summer months. Does that make me a seasonal prostitute?Grin

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 12:53

rebel
That's why dh has stayed with me for so many years when i was a sahm.
best of both worlds, he got a wife and prostitute all in one.
I must admit he did like me dancing with the veils years ago when i did belly dancing classes. Grin

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 02/05/2017 12:53

fluffball

I work for 6 hours a week on average

Is that enough to stop me being a prostitute

Genuine question

Lelloteddy · 02/05/2017 12:56

EB123 you obviously care enough to regurgitate some random fact that has no basis in evidence or anecdote.

MaryTheCanary · 02/05/2017 13:00

Studies of whether children of SAHPs or WOHPs "do better" at school or elsewhere are useless unless they do control for the effects of shared genes between parents and children (and for child-to-parent effects).

None of them do, as far as I can see. Therefore.... useless.

mogonfoxnight · 02/05/2017 13:06

In relation to prostituting, if you are enjoying the sex too do you have to deduct?

Genuine question.

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 13:10

Mary

Completely agree, but will add the school is also a huge factor.
If it suits the child they will do far better than if it doesn't irrespective of parental involvement, unless they H.ed or do alot of extra lessons themselves, on top of the poor school.

I would also like to know how many hours would it take to not be considered a prostitute. I'm currently working 20 hours x 3 weeks and 24 hours x 1 week, per month. Is that enough?
Are we expected to be earning a certain amount and it not be about hours worked fluffy

angelcakerocks · 02/05/2017 13:14

Not forgetting that according to this thread SAHMs are unemployed Wink So is it unemployed prostitute on the CV then?

MaryTheCanary · 02/05/2017 13:14

I guess it is up to people whether they want to work or not.

All I would say is: unless one is independently very wealthy (i.e., trust fund baby etc.), any decision to withdraw from the workforce should be predicated on the following:

1: The relationship with the breadwinning partner should be legally recognized (marriage, civil partnership or multiple contracts signed up with a lawyer).

  1. Wills, insurance etc. need to be in place.
  2. The SAHP MUST have a good answer to the question "What would happen if it all went wrong and you had to support the family?"

Some people have careers that they can easily dip back into--good for them.

Others have careers where a long break will make it hard to go back in: in that case, better to keep one's hand in in some way, like relevant volunteer work, networking and other activities to maintain connections and keep your skills sharp. Or ditch full-on SAH and choose to work part-time--even if you make nothing after tax&childcare, you can look at it as a form of insurance and will probably enjoy the challenge, and having some time away from the kids.

Some people ended up SAH because they became disillusioned with their careers, in which case it is a good idea to use the SAH period to do some research into what you would like to do, and do some reskilling or retraining.

If people do the above, fine.

What I DON'T think is a very good idea is to drift into SAH without any clear idea what what one is doing other than a vague idea that "a man is a plan." It isn't. You need to think about worst case scenarios--marriage breakdown, accidents or illnesses leading to early death or disability, the possibility that the breadwinner might start to become resentful of the SAH partner, no matter how supportive they may have been at the beginning when the kids seemed so small and needy. There MUST be a Plan B for what happens if the situation changes and SAH suddenly isn't possible or desirable any more.

And the situation is frighteningly perilous if a woman (it is usually a woman) has been foolish enough to become the stay at home "wife" to a man who will not marry her. If he runs off with his chiropractor or gets hit by a truck, she could be left well and truly up shit creek. If many years have passed, she may have difficulty accessing anything other than the most menial jobs. She may have no stake in the property or savings, depending on finances were arranged in her relationship, and she will have very little automatic claim because "common law" spouses are not a thing in the UK. She is unlikely to get spousal maintenance and any child maintenance will stop when her children get to 19 (I think). She may be left with nothing but a pitiful state pension when she gets too old to do whatever work she manages to get hired for.

Bottom line: if you are going to SAH, do your research and be very aware of possible pitfalls.

mogonfoxnight · 02/05/2017 13:21

Latest studies (according to the Huff) show that emotional intelligence is the largest indicator of success, not intellect or education or having a sah or working parent. Makes sense as someone with high self worth and drive and resilience will work harder to get what they want. On that basis the children need love and attention, and time, and to be taught emotional intelligence, without all that they will be disadvantaged, would need to work harder to be successful (and lello more likely to have mh problems). As long as the parents provide this, then whether sah or working parents the kids will be alright, then.

Cocklodger · 02/05/2017 13:24

I'd call myself a SAHM. I don't go to work nor work from home. I delegate tasks to someone else, and do perhaps 2 hours work a month absolute maximum (and that's if you include every quick phone call)
I'm not married nor in a relationship, I live alone (except for my child obviously)
Am I still a prostitute I wonder? Hmm

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 13:25

Well, as interesting as this is i'm off to get some spuds for tea now, before I go to work.
Then I'm coming home for a quickie, although as I'll only earn £30 today I'm not sure if that's acceptable as get out clause for prostitute as having been a sahm for 25 years previous to working dh must have some stored up under title of prostitute.

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 13:27

cocklodger

I suppose if you get tc other benefits or cb then you are a prostitute of the state. Grin

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 02/05/2017 13:27

Does an unemployed prostitute actually have sex

Again...genuine question

Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 13:28

If only Fluffballmookins would come back to clarify all these "grey areas" for us, gilly.

Will this thread end at 1000 posts?

OP posts:
RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 02/05/2017 13:28

emotional intelligence is the largest indicator of success

fluff is fucked then

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 02/05/2017 13:29

Yes it will incognito

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 02/05/2017 13:31

I am one of three sisters. All of us have DCs

  1. 26 years old, 3DCs, all in full time education, SAHM, (full time prostitute?), has no plans to work in the next five years(at least), DH works full time

2 (me). 29 years old, 3DCs, 2 in full time education, DD3 21months, SAHM (slacking on prostituting duties due to lack of sleep caused by DD3 teething), going back to work p/t in September, DP works full time

  1. 31 years old, 2DCs, both under 4, works part-time 3 days a week (part-time prostitute?)DH works full time.

I do not think less of either of my sisters for their choices nor do I feel judged by them. Everyone's parenting styles are different and only YOU know what works best for your family.

Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 13:31

Thanks for all the comments. Some on MN are an "anomaly" for sure!

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 02/05/2017 13:32

I'm eligible for CB only but don't bother claiming. I do get child maintanence though - STBXH will be overjoyed to hear im his prostitute Grin

KatyBerry · 02/05/2017 13:39

leaving aside the OP's insufferable smugness, and despite the fact that all she can come up with to do in a day is yoga, gym, running while living in the heart of one of the greatest cities in the world, what really pisses me off is the assumption that work is only about money and the only value that one derives from it is a pay cheque each month. Granted that leaving the workforce aged 26 she can't have been exactly running Union Carbide, but my god there's so much more to get out of a career than simply the cash!

Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 13:43

The thread that just keeps on giving!
Good luck to you Katy Berry.

OP posts:
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