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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 30/04/2017 21:33

I wouldn't judge you but would be unlikely to be friends as we'd have little in common. I love working and don't really know what people do once dc are at school. How much housework can someone do each week - sounds boring as fuck to me but if you're happy that's fine.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:33

So why is his career justifiable but women's "some career" keeps them away from all the precious moments?

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 21:34

I think everyone understands when the kids are young and at home full time if one parent has to stay home, not everyone can afford nursery or good childcare . I think some people struggle to understand when the kids are at school and I slso struggle to understand, I don't judge negatively, I just don't understand why someone would chose to still not work if the kids are out the house eight hours a day.

I'm the main bread winner, but I wasn't when my daughter was younger, st any stage either of us could have been a stay at home parent, at no stage did my husband say i think I shall stop working now, you earn enough so uou can pay for everything and I shall just stay at home and improve my golf handicap, and I didn't say it to him either. I think every relationship is different really.

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:35

How much housework can someone do each week - sounds boring as fuck to me but if you're happy that's fine.

They would prefer to be at work and possibly miss their first step and words. They would rather be at work then pick their children up from school, and lets face it a lot of them prefer to out with friends at the weekend too.

Nasty judgmental comments from both sides.

Ffs, there's no need for it is there.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:36

That said not being able to be friends with a sahm is ridiculous. Working or not defines you as much as you let it. It defines me quite a bit but I'm happy with that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/04/2017 21:37

Christ alive some of these comments.....so pleased I don't know any of you.

Yanbu OP

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:37

Stealth 🙄 when did I specifically aim it at 'he' ?
Because someone has to bring the money in.

When you have a family the whole point of working is to feed and house your family.

papayasareyum · 30/04/2017 21:37

I was a sahm for a long long time and worried about what kind of role model I was. My daughter's always write lovely notes in Mother's day cards and one year my eldest wrote:
"thanks for being my Mum, my friend, my hero, my counsellor, my biggest inspiration and an amazing role model"
I stopped worrying after that....

lizzyj4 · 30/04/2017 21:38

JayneAusten I'm in my fifties and have a couple of friends who are going through this now - one hasn't been in the workplace for 27 years and the other has just done small, part-time jobs. No pensions. One has been awarded spousal maintenance for 2 years, the other none. Once assets are divided there might be enough to buy a small home but that's it. And the workplace is not a friendly place when you're 50+ and have no conventional 'experience'. It brings me out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:39

You seem to assume that's the man's job though. And f the woman works it's unnecessary.
I work for many of the same reasons dh does. And some he doesn't have too.

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:39

Realistically whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM - these things have nothing to do with how good a mother you are. Nothing. Plenty of women stay at home with their kids and are awful. Plenty work full time and are awful. And plenty on both sides are fab.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:40

When you have a family the whole point of working is to feed and house your family.
Disagree entirely

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 30/04/2017 21:40

I was a SAHM for fifteen years and I don't care if I was or wasn't judged for it. I went back to work term time when my youngest went into year six.

DH was happy to support me financially, just as I had supported him in the early years of our marriage.

As for not having a life beyond the school gates! Well I was busier then than I am now. While I was a SAHM I helped run a toddler group until both DC were at school then I started helping in school twice a week. I helped a friend with charity fundraising. I took minutes at church meetings, I was on the church cleaning rota and was a catechist. I also did nearly all the household 'stuff' and walked the children to and from school.

These days I do half the housework during term time and none of the other things I used to do as they don't fit in with work hours so I have much more 'free' time. I only earn a pittance so DH still supports me too!

Judge away anyone who wants to......

PrivatePike · 30/04/2017 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 30/04/2017 21:41

would be unlikely to be friends as we'd have little in common

Thats sad

I have a variety of friends from teacher to nurse to social worker to air traffic controller to office workers to retail staff to receptionist

As well as loads where i cant remember what they do

But we very, very, very rarely discuss work

SuperBeagle · 30/04/2017 21:42

I do judge women who have never worked a day in their life. In the same way, I would judge a man who had never worked a day in his life.

TeaAddict235 · 30/04/2017 21:42

It matters because so many people in society use it (SAHM) to degrade or belittle so many parents, both men and women. Western culture considers that you are as worthy as your £ income. Yet, all of the research shows that the pre-school years can determine a child's outcome later on; so whether a parent decides to teach them personally or have a trained teacher do so, so long as they are being taught, it does not matter. Yet society has other values.

My pastors wife is always banging on at me about going back to work yet, despite not working herself. DS2 has just turned 9mo. She believes that I have wasted my potential with a PhD. I don't personally believe that she spends much time with God, and listening to Him. Swings and roundabouts Grin

PrivatePike · 30/04/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/04/2017 21:43

Women who say everyone secretly judges you don't actually speak for the rest of us, they just wish they did.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 21:43

"I wouldn't judge you but would be unlikely to be friends as we'd have little in common"
GrinConfused
How do you know that motherofdragons? We could have lots in common, you never know. Why do you think I do housework all day?

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:43

Stealth wtf??
I didn't say anything of the sort.
I think if you have the choice to stay home and care for the kids because one of you has a job that can support the family, then why not stay home?.
Children aren't an accessory they're the most important thing you'll ever have in your life.
I can't understand why so many women look down upon sahp, when all they're doing is raising the most wonderful and amazing little people and making the most of their childhoods.
I think it disgusting the way some people on here are saying things like 'oh it's not for me' etc ...what's not for you? Your own children?
Why did you have them then?.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:44

Guessing a lot of men have chosen t go back to work and woukd prefer t work than spend time watching their children's teeth emerge. Where's the judgement?

NataliaOsipova · 30/04/2017 21:44

I just don't understand why someone would chose to still not work if the kids are out the house eight hours a day.

They aren't out of the house 8 hours a day, though. Mine go 8.30-3.30. They need picking up at 3.30. And then they do activities most days, which require transportation. But they're in holiday for 19 weeks a year. And I love that time while they are still small enough to want to spend it all with me. I don't want them in after school care or holiday clubs. Neither does my DH. We don't need the money.

But find me an interesting job 9-3, 33 weeks a year? Of course I'd look at it (although the tax system works against me and it's unlikely to be terribly financially beneficial). But they don't exist.....

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 21:44

I don't have some career - I have a very good and rewarding one that fulfils and excites me more each year.

I may have missed my children's first steps and words, but they don't remember and I've been there for many of both since.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:45

Ah s you're happy with either parent being a sahp? Your comment about mothers choosing to work wasn't aimed at women?

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