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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 02/05/2017 11:42

Seoul no reference to child/adolescent mental health outcomes in your link?

seoulsurvivor · 02/05/2017 11:50

Were we speaking specifically about that?

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 11:52

We didn't use childcare at all as we didn't need it and I didn't want to use it.
I'm not stupid enough to think that the children whose parents have used it are any better or worse off than those who haven't.
There are so many variables how on earth could you generalise.

Uppity
There isn't any research anywhere that says that children with parents invested in their education won't do well, or reach their potential.
You can't base your reason for working or not on anything so flimsy.
You said if you found research that says a sahp children fared better than wohp you'd give up work and be skint.
Would you really, or was that idle chat.
I'm not saying they do, of course.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/05/2017 11:56

dc is being brought up by nursery /childminders /grandparents /neighbour down the road

You forgot strangers. And wolves. Grin

papayasareyum · 02/05/2017 12:00

Hi Uppity, longtime sahp here.
My children are top sets and the eldest on course for straight A A levels and RG or Oxbridge and has straight A GCSEs too.
This was probably in spite of my sahmdon as obviously only bright, ambitious wohms produce high achievers.Hmm

Bambambini · 02/05/2017 12:01

Jesus, i better just continue enjoying my life as a non working mum of high school kids and let everyone feel superior with being able to judge me. At least i serve a purpose.

Fluffballmookins · 02/05/2017 12:02

At what point do these "kept women" of rich men begin to wonder if their lives have parallels with prostitution? This is a very grey area and clearly the elephant in the room on this thread. Do they live in perpetual fear that they will be traded in for younger models? Genuine question.

seoulsurvivor · 02/05/2017 12:05

Kept women? Rich men? Prostitution?

Jesus.

You have a very low perception of people who happen to make a different choice to you.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 12:07

Oh my god GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 02/05/2017 12:11

At what point do these "kept women" of rich men begin to wonder if their lives have parallels with prostitution? This is a very grey area and clearly the elephant in the room on this thread. Do they live in perpetual fear that they will be traded in for younger models? Genuine question.

Jesus God. I sometimes think I'm the best qualified taxi driver in the county but no, to be clear, my DH never, ever makes me feel like a prostitute. We are a team. We see work = money and the arrangement we have means we have the most money for our family combined with the best quality of life we can manage for our children. We both work together to achieve this. And your question is offensive. Let's turn it around. Do you live in perpetual fear that your child sees your nanny/childminder/nursery worker/other career as more of a mother figure than you? That's the flip side of the rather unpleasant coin you just tossed....

papayasareyum · 02/05/2017 12:11

there was an old poster who came onto these threads to compare sahms to prostitutes. I wonder if it's her!

Freddofrog1983 · 02/05/2017 12:11

I think people need to mind their own business and concentrate on their own lives instead of having an input how other people live theirs.

witsender · 02/05/2017 12:15

Has anyone looked at why children of working parents do better, if in fact they do? One could query whether the increased time spent in an institutional setting means that the children know best how to please that setting. Doesn't necessarily mean happier, more rounded, settled children yadda yadda.

Bubblesagain · 02/05/2017 12:15

At what point do these "kept women" of rich men begin to wonder if their lives have parallels with prostitution?
HmmConfusedBiscuit

Lelloteddy · 02/05/2017 12:17

Seoul yes Bobochic made the assertion that children of working parents have higher incidences of mental illness. No evidence produced yet though.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 12:27

Well I kind of expected I might be called lazy, but a prostitute! Really?
I can't really bring myself to respond to that "grey area" - "the elephant of the room". Grin
No I don't perpetually worry about DH trading me in thanks. He thinks he's done quite well, as it happens. The idea that this is inevitable is absolute nonsense. If a man is the type to have an affair, he may well have one and what does income have to do with it? I can only think of one case where this has happened out of all the people know.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 02/05/2017 12:29

If you prostitute is cooking dinner, doing the childcare, cleaning the house then rolling over because she'll be up with the baby all night, you're doing it wrong

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 02/05/2017 12:29

At what point do these "kept women" of rich men begin to wonder if their lives have parallels with prostitution?

Alrighty

Grin
NataliaOsipova · 02/05/2017 12:31

At what point do these "kept women" of rich men begin to wonder if their lives have parallels with prostitution?

Now I've recovered from my initial outrage, I've worked out just how much I'm getting paid for sex. I must be really fucking hot Grin. It's almost slightly kinky, actually - I suspect DH may be on for a fruitier Tuesday evening than is the norm chez Osipova....Wink

EB123 · 02/05/2017 12:32

**Has anyone looked at why children of working parents do better, if in fact they do? One could query whether the increased time spent in an institutional setting means that the children know best how to please that setting. Doesn't necessarily mean happier, more rounded, settled children yadda yadda.

^^ this!

It amazes me that people care so much about others lives tbh

Original poster
Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 12:32

Grin Natalia

OP posts:
HowcanIearnthis · 02/05/2017 12:34

Fluffball, a number of posters here have mentioned that for at least part of their marriage, they have earned more then their DHs. Will you be asking their DHs whether they feel like prostitutes too, or is that little nugget of charm saved up for women only?

And what about women who have taken maternity leave for a period which meant that they had to rely on statutory maternity allowance, and so were not contributing their usual salary to the family coffers? I'm guessing that quite a few of us on here would fall into that group. I don't know whether you or your partner is the higher earner in your household but the obvious consequence of your post is that:

  1. if you are the higher earner, you believe that your OH is prostituting him/herself, as he is benefitting from a family income that he/she has not earned him/herself;
  1. if your OH is the higher earner, then you believe that you are doing so.

I can only imagine that that must lead to really challenging family dynamics.

mimishimmi · 02/05/2017 12:35

Even working wives can be traded in for younger models ..Wink

MommaGee · 02/05/2017 12:39

If I earn half of what my hubby does in my part time job so he pays more of the bills, holidays, wine am I a part time mom, part time say secretary and part time prostitute? That'd bulk out my cv

NataliaOsipova · 02/05/2017 12:41

MommaGee Where I used to work it'd definitely get you an interview, no matter what else was on your CV!

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