AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

I don't judge you. I couldn't be a SAHM, I'd hate it, so I am quite impressed that others can do it. And the SAHMs that I know do it well.

But I do wonder about how you control your vulnerability. I've seen marriages break up and remember a friend at school whose father had a stroke and the family suddenly had no income. My career is a form of insurance against these things happening (as is my DH's). Obviously I wouldn't ask you in RL about this, but I would think it.

I don't get the whole career thing personally. I've had 4 children, one of whom was stillborn and it completely changed my look upon life. I went back to work after my 1st, the 2nd baby died and I guess my eyes were opened to the wonderful gift that children are. I didn't want them brought up by strangers and the years I've had at home with them have been amazing. I miss having financial independence at times but DH earns well, we have a great lifestyle and I put being a mum and now grandmother above everything.
I think there is stigma either way - we women are so bloody hard on each other.

I only judge women who only talk about their children. Oh and when mine were at school, the SAHMS with school aged children who said things like "OMG, I'm so exhausted, there's so much to do for Christmas before they break up for school in two weeks". FFS.

I honestly don't give a shit. Whatever works and makes you happy.

I only work now because I have to. Well not at this exact moment,but I will in the future(OH is self employed,and he's quite older so there will come a time when he won't be able to do the very physical job he does now) and i figure it's easier to start now and build up experience,training, cv history etc,than starting in 10 years or so from scratch.

I would not feel comfortable being a SAHP to school age DC while my DH was working full time. I would feel guilty that my life was so much easier than his and worry that he resented me for this. I would certainly resent him if I was out earning 5 days a week and he had 6 hours of free time every day to do as he liked.

You and your DH clearly feel differently

I like to have 2 incomes coming in for security really in case one of us becomes ill or loses our job.

You do realise putting kids in childcare is not "having them brought up by strangers"

My mother worked full time, she still brought me up.

I wouldn't judge anyone who was able to stay at home because their husband/wife earned enough for them to have a good quality of life without them working. I wish I didn't have to work.

I do worry about people who are Sahp and not married because if he relationship breaks down they're very vulnerable.

I assume people who don't want their children 'brought up by strangers' all home school...

I WOH but certainly don't judge my friends or others who are working at home keeping the household running or doing what they heck they like between 9-3pm.

One of my friends does this as she still has a lot of appointments for her disabled child even though he is in school, another has found it hard to get back on the work ladder and has lost confidence, I know several people who work part time as they love it.

I honestly don't judge. My only reason for wanting a friend to get back to work would be if they feel they want to and are sad they can't-otherwise, I don't see working out of the house as the only acceptable way to live, that would be bizarre.

My grandmother never worked out of the home after marriage for 40 years, she contributed so much to everyone's lives, including after the children were older/left home. I cannot understand devaluing people in this way.

I

It's very depressing that women on a mother's forum would judge others for being a SAHM.

There are pluses and minuses to both.

Why not support other women's choices?

'People in real like are too polite to say it to your face.

They will be thinking it.'

'I wouldn't judge you for it at all but I do worry about women who don't have their own income as it leaves them vulnerable.'

For a number of reasons, I took another year after mat leave before getting back to work. I had thought about it and planned for it. Financially too, including my own contribution.

Palpably felt both of the above attitudes, throughout the time I wasn't working, from everyone from family members to random parents in the park. You do feel judged. I can only imagine it would be a hundred times worse if your children were school age. The employment thing is now ingrained in our society, for better or worse and yes people will judge if you don't work.

It's a parenting forum, not a mother's forum.

Definitely have never judged anyone for working or staying at home. Not even sure what there is to judge. It's really down to each individual and family to figure out what works for them. I don't really get the idea that a sahm couldn't be fulfilled. I know some excellent sahms who fill every minute of their day with activities. I work fulltime myself and I study also both of which I get fulfilment from but I also love my family time and take as much term time leave as I can. I play piano and I get a lot from that too. People get fulfilment from many different things work is only one way.

When we decided I would be a SAHM we did make provision for a lot of the "what ifs" - life insurance and critical illness cover for us both, plus income protection for DH. Some of the savings in DH's name were shifted across into mine to protect me in case of a split. We pay a small amount into a pension for me. We are well protected.

I have rarely felt judged but one of the judgiest school mums - ex friend - I know was always happy for me to do unpaid childcare for her DC as I didn't work (even with a tiny baby so would have been on mat leave anyway!) Hopefully my dreadful workshy example didn't rub off on her kids too much during that time...

Everybody judges women whatever we do. SAHMs are old-fashioned, lazy, dependent and stupid. WOHMs are uncaring, hard, terrible mothers and selfish.

Exactly.

Personally, I believe that I have set the best example I could to my two daughters by caring for them myself because I believe that was the best thing for them at the time, although I've done this while also working as a childminder, profiting from other people doing something I wouldn't do myself.

The only people I think are entitled to pass comment on those choices are my husband and children. I couldn't give two hoots what anyone else thinks.

I don't call it "judgemental" , it's because I'm old and have seen to many women I know in RL landed in the shit after being a SAHP in a relationshp that broke down. Mainly the unmarried women who had spent years at home supporting a DH who was building a sucessful business and found themselves entitled to squat of it and scratching around for a slum landlord that would accept her and kids and HB.

Just seen it happen too many times to advocate that route TBH. I think it's okay to stay at home, but not in blind faith. Stay at home and work on employability, be married, and have a claim to assets etc!

Jane you wrote I didn't want them brought up by strangers then we women are so bloody hard on each other
Can you see the irony in that? You're wording is massively judgemental and designed to make WOHM feel shitty and even neglectful. I judge your attitude.

I've been a SAHM for 15 years and the last DC started school 5 years ago. Nobody has ever asked me when I'm returning to work. DH is obviously fine with it or we'd be doing something different. He prefers it as he's never had to take time out for anything or worry about DC logistics.

I have eight DC and work full time. I would love to be a SAHM deep down tbh, but I am the higher earner our house, we could never afford me not to work and even if we could, it wouldn't be an option for me. I came out of my first marriage with far too much financial damage to ever risk working part time, let alone not at all.
The mortgage is in my name alone, my DH is cool with that as he knows all the equity is mine anyway and wouldn't want any more than he's put into the house if we were to divorce. I saw my parents, my dad in particular, lose catastrophic amounts of money to relationship break ups and I have this need to self preserve.

Terry is right although I think a lot of SAHDs do get judged because a lot of women (secretly or otherwise) want an alpha male, and a SAHD doesn't really fall into the alpha male category.

As for getting half the "family" money on a separation, I think a lot of men are very adept at fiddling their ex-wives and hiding the money. My father did, and that was in the days of paper payslips, bank statements and bank books. Now everything is online it's much easier to hide money from your wife. But that can happen whether or not you work as a woman. But not working makes you a lot more vulnerable than if you have equal, or at least decent level of, earning power.

I don't judge people for it, but as PP have said, I really do worry about women who make this choice, I think it makes both them and their children incredibly vulnerable.

JaneEyre70 - a lot of women have no choice about the 'career thing'. I've been a single parent twice, once with three very young children (including a 6-week-old baby), no money and no roof over my head - and that was coming out of a very 'affluent' marriage. Needless to say, in the intervening years, I've worked hard to ensure that neither I or my children were in that position again. None of us know what is around the corner - everyone should have a Plan B (and preferably a Plan C too). That doesn't necessarily mean 'having a career', but something.

I was a sahm for 14 years. I was judged irl by working mum's. It was assumed that I would get bored and spend my days lazing around.

I worked in in various restaurants/hotels full time from age 16-23 as a chef. It was an ok job mostly. It didn't pay fabulously and the hours were shit. I didnt have to give up a fantastic career.

When my dd was born (age 23) I started a catering business with a family member. My DH worked full time/stressful and long hours and childcare was my responsibility. As my earnings were so low, I couldn't afford to pay for childcare so relied on grandparent and felt guilty doing so.
Family member moved on from business and I couldn't run it single handed so I became a sahm.

My DH career progressed because he didn't have to deal with all the mundane crap of paying bills, cooking dinner, cleaning the house etc.
It allowed us to have a comfortable lifestyle. He really enjoyed his job.

I volunteered at the kids school a few times a week.
Ran after school classes for a pittance a few hours a week and quite often had working parents kids at my house during holidays etc because I didn't go out to work.
I took my elderly neighbour shopping/hairdresser/dr appointments/helped with her garden.
I ran the house/finances etc.
Yes, I could go for a walk/gym in the morning after the kids went to school. I could take a shower at leisure if I wanted but I didn't have a shit load of free time to do what I wanted.
Being a sahp is a full time job whether the kids are at home or not!

I was still judged for "only" being a sahm.

Kids are adults. DH was made redundant. We started a catering business together 9 years ago.

Dh and I both worked part time for a year or so for the kids, funnily enough I got lots of "aren't you lucky", "isn't he great to be so involved" etc. I'm pretty sure he never did. He was considered fabulous for stepping back from his career a little, whereas my working part time was nothing. Others with my age kids work full time don't you know?

We home ed the kids hence the working around each other. We have recently had to change it up again so I now only do one day and he does 4. One of the very people who commented on how amazing he was etc then went on to comment how brilliant it would be for him to get to focus on his career again. Ignoring that he would rather be with the kids.

But hey ho. I guess I mean that I couldn't win, and he came out of it smelling like roses whatever he did.

I don't judge.
Having seen what sickness, death and downright bad luck can do to a stable loving family (and its income and lifestyle) I work. Not full time but enough to be independent if I needed. It's also much easier to get ft work having done it pt in my field.
Pension too. A lot hangs by continuous service in my workplace pension. I had four years out when the dc were younger and I need to make it up.
My previous circumstances and a fear of my dc going through what I did drive me. It's not rational. So I'd never judge anyone making a different choice to me.