AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

I would never judge someone whose children were still young, but will admit to finding my friends without careers a bit puzzling. These are women with older children and I tend to think they are now leading lives that seem a bit unfulfilling.

I spent 6yrs as a SAHM and loved every minute of it. My dh is fab and always always acknowledged what an important job it was and was 100% behind me doing it, and equally would have been 100% behind me going back to work sooner.

IME the people who struggled most with it - queried it, or tried to make me feel like it was an odd choice for a highly qualified woman with a lot of career experiece (I was 35 having first dc) were other mothers who had gone back to work.

TBH that made me sad as I felt like I was being judged for what was a very personal choice.

DC is big now and I have been working for a few years and went back into my industry at a very senior level. Which shut a few people up.

I never once felt a loss of identity or value when I was a SAHM. But I def felt others felt that about me and it used to amuse me! I was still ME, but then I don't feel like my identity is wrapped up in what I do for a living.

I fully intend to go back to study once dc is a bit older and dh is fully behind this.

I have several friends who are SAHM. There is only one I judge - and that's more concern as she isn't married to her DH, they rent, no insurance in case of illness/death and she has no financial security at all. But it's none of my business and she has no idea that I think she should work once both kids are in school, even if it's one day a week.

I don't judge anyone for deciding to be a SAHM but I do silently judge the woman I know who have never worked for anything other than pocket money.

I am really torn on this one, part of me thinks you lucky thing and the other (slightly louder part) thinks that past the pre school age you are not setting a good example to your children and you are leaving yourself vulnerable if something happens to the marriage. That's not very helpful 😀 I work full time and have 3 children.

God no, in my SAHM days I had no qualms at all. Without me being home, there's no way DH's career would have flourished the way it did. I was the cook/cleaner/book-keeper/gardener/everything else, and I enabled him to progress. So I never felt I had to justify myself or ask permission to buy a handbag or felt degraded or any of that bollocks.

And yes, DH could have changed personality and fucked off leaving me penniless because I was vulnerable, but that would have made him wrong - it wouldn't have made me wrong for not earning during that period.

If you don't feel degraded that's great, because frankly why IS it degrading to want to spend that time with your children? Why would any care work, paid or unpaid, be degrading, or are we really at the point now where unless you receive pay for doing something, it has no worth? What about nursery staff, nannies, cleaners, are they worth nothing, or is it only degrading to work for your own family for free? It seems crazy to me that I wouldn't be deemed worthy of respect for spending my days raising a dependent child; it's really really important.

I see no reason for you not to work, especially since you dont have a DC to look after in the day. Many people with more kids than you go to work.
Just my opinion, sorry

I don't judge but I don't understand how women can be satisfied with a world that goes little further than the school gate.

Having been in the position where I needed to get out of a relationship that had turned abusive (pre kids) I would also never want to be anything other than financially independent.

Surely though if you're working it's all family money anyway? It's the overall level of family wealth that will determine your "independence" in the event of a separation, as everything will be split in any case.

When you're together it's family money. People are talking about how a SAHP would support herself in the event of a separation. When you're separated you're not necessarily entitled to half the money, certainly not half of the ongoing income. And if you're not married you may not be entitled to much at all.

I've been both a sahm and a working full time parent and for me, I wasn't a natural sahm. I didn't like it and went back to work by choice, however I don't think sahm is in any way lesser than a working mum and as long as a woman had full choice on the matter id support her whichever she chose.

And yes, DH could have changed personality and fucked off leaving me penniless because I was vulnerable, but that would have made him wrong - it wouldn't have made me wrong for not earning during that period

Well, no, he wouldn't have been right to do that. But that wouldn't have made you any less destitute had he done it.

And if I had daughters I would never forgive myself if they grew up believing that they can stay at home and rely on their husband/partner to provide for them. I want my children to be independent and know how to look after themselves

I don't judge because I don't really care but I do wonder what their DHs do. One of the reasons we both work is I don't like to think of the main breadwinner trapped in a stressful job they hate, equally imagine the stress of redundancy / illness etc. I wonder if they have considered these things and decided they are unlikely. We earn roughly the same amount though which helps.

No judgement for women who don't earn - if you can find a partner who is happy with that and you are comfortable with it, bully for you! Personally for me it's probably an esteem issue - I struggle with 'owing' anyone, it's probably my upbringing but it makes me very nervous. I have also borne witness to a lot of divorce and separation, and seen how having no income or the skills to generate one can cause someone real problems.

To be honest I'm loving not being at work right now, no matter how hard looking after baby is (it's f#£*ing hard, as it happens!) but it would never occur to me not to go back to work after my may leave runs out - I just wouldn't feel right with myself. My ideal is that DP and I both go part time, so baby doesn't have to go to nursery 5 days a week... But real life doesn't always work out like that. We'll have to see...

But yes, no judgement - just personal preference.

I admit that most if my friends are also SAHMs with school age DC these days, but I also have friends who have mega careers and when we all go out it's never been an issue between us at all. I'm the same person whether I work or not, as are they.
In the event of a split, I would be fine financially, so I don't see my decision to stay at home as having taken a risk in that sense or as stifling my independence. As my mother always said, only boring people get bored, so that's never been an issue either. DH has never mentioned it tbh.

One thing I've learned in my 7-odd years on MN, is that everyone's situation is different. We all make decisions that are most suited to our family. there may be health issues involved, spouse's working commitments, caring responsibilities or any other of other issues that mean working outside of the home isn't appropriate.

On the other hand, independence is priceless and a career can be fulfilling. Not to mention being a positive role model to the next generation. And a second wage can sometimes be crucial to keep a roof above the family's heads.

But I'll be honest, I've never, ever seen any post that should lead any SAHM feeling 'degraded'?

I don't judge SAHMs at all. It's not for me but we all make our own choices. No business of mine how another woman chooses to live. Unless it's my daughter - in which case I would be having words .

I think each to their own. Personally I like my career and I like not being financially dependant on someone. But if people want to be a SAHP I think that's fine if they enjoy it.
A friend of mine says her Mum would have been proud of her as she gave up her career to bring up her children. I kind of think that's an odd thing to say!She's now trying to get back to work and finding it hard. I guess taking a very long career break can be risky depending what your industry is like.
I will encourage my children to earn their own money and be independent.

These threads always confuse me. Why would anyone care?!

I have friends who are WOHP and some who are SAHP. I don't care what they do as long as they are happy.

I don't really judge what anyone else does.

I work because I love my job, I need to be intellectually challenged, I like to have an identity outside the home, I have a laugh with my colleagues, I want to set a good work ethic example to my dc, I want to use the education I slogged to get and I need the money.

I don't really mind if you feel differently.

Because PineQueen not all of us who chose not to work were satisfied with 'a world that goes little beyond the school gate'...what bollocks!

I had an immensely fulfilled life both before and after work. I love my career (in a very, very creative field) but equally I had a great time at home. I read a lot, studied, travelled and had a wonderful quality of life.

I went back to work because I felt like it, not because I felt I had to. And I would have NO qualms about taking time off again in the future despite it having nothing to do with dc. Once dh was on board with it (and I know he would be as we have talked about it)

Gosh, I've never ever judged it. Only envied it! I think there are a lot of parents (not all) who would like one parent to be able to stay at home full time. Can't imagine why anyone would judge. DH and I moved countries to increase our chance of being able to afford it!

I'll revise my earlier statement - it's never even occurred to me to judge anyone about it. I'm quite surprised it seems to annoy so many on here. Why does it matter to other people?

I just don't accept either that I'm a bad role model to my daughters (or son) because the main thing is to be happy in life if you can be, whatever that means to you.