Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Questioningeverything · 30/04/2017 20:35

Meh I'd be jealous as hell that your family works so well that you don't have to work out of the home. But I'd also be really pleased for you.
I'd not think anything more than that

MsVestibule · 30/04/2017 20:35

but will admit to finding my friends without careers a bit puzzling.

But loads of people work purely for the money, whether they're 'careers' or just 'jobs'! Leading a fulfilled life can have nothing to do whether you're in paid employment or not.

I used to have a career; worked FT after DC1, I was judged for that. Gave work up after DC2 was born, was judged for that. I'm now (eventually) back at work in a part time NMW job with little chance of progression but it helps with the mortgage. After being judged for several years, I don't care and just do what I think is best for my family and me.

But to answer your OP, no, it's not only on MN that women are judged for their post-birth choices, it definitely happens IRL.

Mrskeats · 30/04/2017 20:36

It's definitely not family money in some houses
My friend is unmarried with 4 kids and has given up work, she has no idea what her partner earns and he hides money from her,
They have split before so I think she's crazy to put herself in that position
She had a high powered career before too

lelapaletute · 30/04/2017 20:36

Incofnit0, if you'd be fine in the event of a split, that suggests you have some sort of independent wealth or assets you are bringing to the family pot - that is a different situation to most SAHMs, and if I had that I wouldn't feel as anxious/guilty if only my partner was working, as u would be contributing financially as well.

UpsyDaisy123 · 30/04/2017 20:36

Genuine question - is it different if the woman is independently wealthy?

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 20:38

I don't judge other people's choices. However, I wouldn't want my daughters to be in such a vulnerable position and have never wanted to be in that position myself.

Personally I get so much more pleasure out of working and contributing to society than I would have at home. It's not economic - I'm in a fortunate position where I have never needed to work - but in terms of making a difference or a mark in the world. I have just never understood how people who don't work can do that.

WritingHome · 30/04/2017 20:38

Ingognit0 I agree with you, and do not feel you are any 'worse' a role model for your dc than any parent who has their child in childcare 40+ hours a week to pursue their career..imo

reuset · 30/04/2017 20:38

People in real like are too polite to say it to your face.
They will be thinking it.

Afraid so

Bunnyfuller · 30/04/2017 20:39

If you can afford it, fair play to you, wish we could. I don't judge anyone who pays for it themselves or cannot physically work due to either their own or their family's health. I struggle with my SIL NOT working after my brother's stroke at age 47 when both their children are self sufficient teens in full time education. I really struggle with that.

AndNowItIsSeven · 30/04/2017 20:39

My 12 and 17 year old need me just as much as my pre schoolers.

Bunnyfuller · 30/04/2017 20:40

She didn't work before, either. He's gone back to his two jobs, obvs. To ensure the family stays afloat 😒

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 20:40

Lela - no I don't have independent wealth as such. We've been married 15 years so everything accrued since then is joint wealth.

OP posts:
babyinarms · 30/04/2017 20:40

I nearly find it the other way around in real life. I feel people sometimes look down on mum's working full time and make them feel guilty.
I'm lucky, I work part time, but I've been both a full time working mum and a SAHM at various stages.
I felt I was justifying myself more when I was working full time tbh.
People seemed a bit envious when I was a SAHM.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 30/04/2017 20:40

Every bloke I've known with a stay at home wife after the kids are at school
Esp secondary school has resented it in some way shape or form. I do wonder though what sahm whose kids are at school actually do all day though whilst the DH is out working. Personally I would hate relying on one income I would not feel comfortable spending money my DH had earned whilst I did god knows what when the kids were at school

WritingHome · 30/04/2017 20:41

Some of these opinions a just ridiculous. Zeezeek are you saying that you can't see how a SAHM contributes to society? That is crazy. Equally that SAHM could be a bialliant neighbour / volunteer etc. You have no idea!

nuttyknitter · 30/04/2017 20:41

I had a career in early years education before my children were born. When they were pre schoolers I stayed at home with them - why would I pay someone to look after them when I was an expert in the field? Once my youngest started school I gradually returned to my career - part time at first and with very little responsibility - and slowly worked my way up again until I had a very senior leadership position. My children all comment on how much they appreciated having a SAHP when they were small and I'm proud of the role model I set them.

bookworm14 · 30/04/2017 20:41

I wouldn't judge you, as long as you didn't judge me for working. We all do what we feel is right for us/our own families.

I17neednumbers · 30/04/2017 20:41

"I see no reason for you not to work, especially since you dont have a DC to look after in the day. "

School holidays? No axe to grind, but there is still a dc to look after for about a quarter of the year. (Though of course wohps do get holiday for some of that.)

SaturnsRings · 30/04/2017 20:42

People who are saying they don't judge but then say they wouldn't like or accept it for their own daughters are doing exactly what they said they weren't doing. If it's not something to judge why would you care if your daughter was doing it

People who complain that they work hard so why should others stay at home well good for you that you've had the opportunity to work hard, loads of others don't even get that chance

EffieWilson · 30/04/2017 20:43

I have DC and work, chose a career influenced by high flexibility/ employability etc... and would never not work. Partner very successful and we could easily live of his income alone. Juggling 2 jobs with kids can be stressful at times.

My decisions were/ are massive influenced by my mum's experience. She was left by my dad in her early 50's. Financially she was ok (was married!) but her identity/ self esteem has never recovered. It was entirely wrapped up in being a wife/ mum/ homemaker/ partner of a successful man for 25 yrs.

I know that if DP and I ever split/ DP couldn't work, no matter how shit I'm feeling, I can independently support myself and my kids and I have this whole area of my life that's totally separate from my relationship, in which I'm skilled, competent and valued.

cardibach · 30/04/2017 20:45

I'm impressed your children remember what their household arrangements were before they were four, nutty.
Sadly, it's another area where women can't win. Someone will judge whatever we do.

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 20:45

Wrintinghome. To be brutally honest almost all of the brill volunteers I've ever met have been those people who work full time. Including me. I'm a school governor and the people who do the most for the board and the school are those of us who work.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/04/2017 20:46

You have come across it in real life you just don't know it because no one would ever say it to your face. Same as no-one has ever criticised me to my face for WOHM full time but I am damn sure plenty secretly judge me. I don't care though.

We all judge people all the time in our heads. On MN you can say it because it is anonymous.

robinia · 30/04/2017 20:46

I don't judge but I don't understand how women can be satisfied with a world that goes little further than the school gate.

Wow! That's a bit of an assumption! I've been a sahm for 20 years now(!) - planning to go back to work once youngest goes to secondary school, but my life has extended far far beyond the school gate. Friends often remark on how much I do, but I still have the luxury of being able to do the school runs and generally be there whenever my kids need me.
And in the event of a split, I will be fine financially. When you're married and a sahp, your reduction in earning capacity is taken into account in a divorce settlement.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2017 20:48

Everybody judges women whatever we do. SAHMs are old-fashioned, lazy, dependent and stupid. WOHMs are uncaring, hard, terrible mothers and selfish.

The only way to beat the system is to be a man. Work; what a great provider. SAH; what an unconventional hero. Take care of your children or do any housework; you're a God who deserves to be worshiped.

Swipe left for the next trending thread