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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:45

*insidious not insipid.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 29/04/2017 21:48

Shock I'm sorry you've read it here.
One of the 'housekeeping' rules of the Freedom Programme, you know the ones, 'here are the loos, you don't have to put your hand up to make a point' etc. is that no one ever says, 'I wouldn't put up with that'.

SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 21:49

In fairness though, some women wouldn't.

SheSaidHeSaid · 29/04/2017 21:51

I agree. I've seen similar things, if not that exact phrase, and have thought it unnecessary and unhelpful for someone who is cleary having a tough time.

Bantanddec · 29/04/2017 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BitchPeas · 29/04/2017 21:52

You are not a weaker female Flowers

Giving the benefit of the doubt, could they have meant it as, 'I put up with that before for too long so now I'd know to leave at the first sign.' Because that's how I feel now, and I would say something along those lines, but only because I know what they are iyswim.

Mrsmorton · 29/04/2017 21:52

I hear you OP. Life can seem
Very simple viewed from the outside in. Living it is a different story.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:55

I'd love to hear of any one woman who actually did leave after the first slap.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 29/04/2017 21:56

Everyone is different. And every incident of violence happens in different circumstances.

So the reality is that there are some people who leave after the first incident Conversely there are some people who would stay because they believed the remorse/had been broken down emotionally before the relationship got physical.

But it depends on the situation. If you're both living in separate places it's easier to leave than if you are living in a house which you both own and have kids together etc.

SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 21:56

Who, me? Confused I'm not trolling. I know damn well I put up with things other women wouldn't, and I know other women put up with things I wouldn't. I think some standards on here for relationships are ridiculously high but then I've no idea if that means my standards are ridiculously low!

TheStoic · 29/04/2017 21:58

I know more than one woman who left after the first physical incident.

I agree that saying 'I would have..' is unhelpful.

But it IS possible and it does happen.

Waffles80 · 29/04/2017 21:59

Erm...bantanddec any reason for that response?

WannaBe · 29/04/2017 22:00

"I'd love to hear of any one woman who actually did leave after the first slap." I did. But I was seventeen and we weren't living together. But I am absolutely certain that I would have even if we had.

But that doesn't mean that because there are women who leave after the first incident those who don't are weaker.

Bearing in mind that when they talk about the average that means that there will be some who stay longer and some who don't.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:01

There have been about 8 incidents now. So hearing the usual shite isn't going to help me at this stage.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 29/04/2017 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 22:03

What do you want people to say, OP? That it's okay?

Waffles80 · 29/04/2017 22:05

OP - it sounds like you need proper advice and support. Would it be worth reposting in Relationships?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope you're able to find help and support in RL and here.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:05

It's akin to saying 'you're very silly, you should leave like I would, in my imaginary fairy tale'.
I'm sick of it.

Ten years ago I would have said similar possibly (though I hope I had more sense).

You DON'T know what you would do when the one person you love and 'loves' you hurts you.

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 29/04/2017 22:05

I did. Took a lot out of me but I threw him out there and then.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 29/04/2017 22:06

I've typed out a comment and deleted it. So am going to try again.

I understand what you're saying. If you haven't been hit or abused before it's such a difficult thing to process. Often it's followed by remorse and demonstrations of love. And the cycle begins again. If you are vulnerable anyway it is so confusing. You can blame yourself. You can cling to your life because it's what you know.

And then there's the shame. How do you tell people? Probably you don't.

Sometimes you are in so deep you don't even know how you got there. And you don't recognise yourself anymore.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:06

i didnt leave at the first slap, i was pregant the first time. it took 2 kids, 3.5 years of utter hell and a fuck load of help to escape.

in 3.5 years he hit me, bit me, kicked me, raped me, strangled me, smothered me, stamped on me, hurt oir children, locked us in and threatened to arson the home with us in it. that was only the physical.. the emotional was far worse. a year ago today he was arrested for an incident, the police officer that arrested him that night, who i lied to about what happened, was at mine the other day about a breech of his RO. he specifically said he thought he would be coming back to me dead.

i watched my mum go through it as a teen, i always vowed i would never put up with it, i would never put my kids through it..m until i was in that position. i got rid three months ago, i still dont feel safe or free.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:06

I'm not looking for advice. Jaysus.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 29/04/2017 22:07

Are you able to explain why you don't leave?

Obviously you don't have to, but that's the second most common response: 'Why don't they just leave?'

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:07

and no you wouldnt leave at the first slap when first slap is after 6 months of mental torture

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:08

I ended it after the first slap well punch tbf. That said I dont then assume others can.

You cannot blame people for saying it. It is usually because they have never had DV in their relationship. I think the more women that voice they would not tolerate it the batter!
I appreciate how unhelpful that is though when you are the one suffering DV. Flowers