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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/04/2017 22:21

I don't think, however, that it's ever helpful to say what we'd have done in previous situations.
Only what can and should be done now.

I hope you're doing well, OP. Well done for leaving, regardless of when.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:22

I'm loving hearing all of you ladies and men who did leave after the first slap.
I wasn't one of you.
It doesn't make me weaker than you I hope. I was just more dependent I think.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2017 22:23

Often, when women leave after the first incident, they don't report it at all. They will not appear in any official statistics.

That's a very fair point actually.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:24

Nobody said it does.

The only person judging you here is you.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:24

OP - you are the only one coming across as judgemental in this thread. Please don't start pitting women who've experienced domestic violence against each other due to where or when or if they've left.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:26

i think the average is something like 36 incidents

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:28

Agree OP, the flippant response to so many victims of DV is astounding and sad.
No one can say what they would or would not do in someone elses position. You are a fool if you think you are 'safe' from that 'sort' or relationship.
All that tells me is that person does not know what they are talking about, isn't worth listening to and needs to do some research before trying to 'advise' others

Lweji · 29/04/2017 22:28

The only person judging you here is you.

I have to agree with this, although it's true that almost all DV threads have at least one pp asking "why did you stay?" or saying they wouldn't have.

But, OP you should concentrate on moving forward and analyse what happened so that you know what to look for in future. Don't beat yourself, even if you find anyone who blames you. He was the only one to blame.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:28

ohdearyme - yup - something like that.

I'm so glad you're doing well now. I am too but I feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing as the last one was just a bruise on my wrist.

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:30

smellbellina - what a lovely response. thanks.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2017 22:30

I am too but I feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing as the last one was just a bruise on my wrist.

But it's about so much more than the actual physical injury isn't it? Thanks

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:30

Sorry Smell but if you are asking the advice of others then you need to accept some if it wont be what you want to hear. You cannot censor the population!

CodLiverOil556 · 29/04/2017 22:31

I think you're too fixated on statistics and 'only a bruise' could be something a whole lot worse next time

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:33

I agree kermit

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 29/04/2017 22:33

To balance this out, I think you'll get a lot of people coming on here saying that they left after the first slap because those are the ones who have the confidence and the freedom to do so.

The others, those who have been mentally ground down before the slap and those who are too ashamed to admit that they haven't left yet, probably won't be posting here.

I suffered the disbelief of my best friend in addition to the abuse because she held that anyone who got hit by their partner would just leave straight away. Because I hadn't left, it couldn't be happening.

Not helpful at all. Our friendship didn't survive and it took me over a year to leave.

lionsleepstonight · 29/04/2017 22:33

I don't think it matters if you leave after the first or 30th slap. The important thing is, that you do leave.
When that is, is up to the individual, and no one should be judged when that time is.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/04/2017 22:35

I'd love to hear of any one woman who actually did leave after the first slap

I left after the first physical incident, I obtained a life time none molestation order and have not set eyes on him since.

I could also off the top of my head think of hundreds of women who also left after the first physical incident.(I'm a domestic abuse specialist so come into contact with lots and lots of women experancing abuse)

What I and they didn't do is leave after the first abusive incident.

Some abusers prefer rather extreame versions of the none physical types of abuse and they enjoy the impact of this and get away with it because they do not hit.

The hit usually happens at the point when the partner has decided to leave and will be the trigger for leaving during crisis rather than planned and safely.
It is a fact that a woman is more at risk of elevation of abuse during that time regardless if the perpetrator is a hitter or a none hitting abuser.
Being on the receiving end of abuse regardless of how it is exhibited is not weak.
Not many people could get through the type of relationship that produces the impact on the none abusive partner that amnesty international liken to the impact of being in a prison of war camp

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:37

WorraLiberty - you're correct. For me this time it's the absolute disregard for my humanity. And the fear. I've a 6 year history of abuse but I'm now in the privileged position to leave the fucker. I still miss him. He was hilarious. He had my sense of humour. But I have to stay safe and that's it.

OP posts:
Daydream007 · 29/04/2017 22:37

YANBU. It's not so easy to leave when you are so deeply involved emotionally in a relationship, especially if your partner has knocked your confidence and your esteem is low. Leaving 'after the first slap' is easier if you aren't in love and have no ties such as kids or a home together.

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:37

Sorry Smell but if you are asking the advice of others then you need to accept some if it wont be what you want to hear. You cannot censor the population!
Asking for advice doesn't compel you to listen to everyone's. Some people have an opinion that isn't worth listening to. Unfortunately, for someone experiencing DV those are the ones most likely to mimic the voice of the abuser and the subsequent voice of doubt in their head preventing them from keeping themselves (and sometimes their DC) safe.
If you have never experienced DV you have nothing to contribute, it's like some that has never known letters telling someone how to read. Pointless and harmful.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:39

"If you have never experienced DV you have nothing to contribute,"

I'm sorry but this is untrue. Some of the people who have contributed most to me have never experienced DV - my GP being the key one, and the practice manager at my surgery being another, as well as a HOD at University. None of them had experienced DV but they were all exceptional at advising, guiding, and, listening.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:40

Oh ok Smell sorry I shall leave the thread as you are clearly one of those people.
The only experienced one allowed to comment or form an opinion Hmm

Lanaorana2 · 29/04/2017 22:41

I know someone who left at the first slap. Her circle said 'why is she so bitter, he only beat her up once'.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:42

Flossy Not at all - particularly in the case of DV. We need to know about healthy relationships, we need to know what it's like to be in one, we need those people in healthy relationships to share what it's like.

It's vital. Please never think like that again (leaving conversations about DV).

Iamnuts · 29/04/2017 22:42

I didn't leave at the first slap. It took 14 years.