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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 29/04/2017 22:43

Look, if someone ends it after the first slap or insult, my hat is off to you.

But often the first slap is far from the beginning.

The abuse starts with eroding your self esteem and isolating you from support.

They teach you to think of them as doing you a favour by putting up with you.

They make you believe that standing up for yourself in the tiniest of ways is a huge misjudgement and causes them untold and unreasonable pain.

They persuade you that nobody else would ever look at you because you are such a worthless piece of shit while at the same time telling you that you can't be around anyone else in case they are interested in you.

They get you used to handing over your phone, keys, liberty because you aren't competent to be trusted with them.

They make sure that they have control of your money so you can't pay for a hotel or a taxi.

They isolate you from your family so you don't believe you have anyone to turn to for help if you do leave. They make you think that distancing yourself is a good idea, even your own idea.

They pressurise other people to join in jokes at your expense to reinforce the message that you are useless.

They hurt you 'accidentally' on purpose to train you that you expressing pain is hurtful to them and you must accept it without complaint. They also make sure you know that every 'accident' was your fault and suggesting that they were even partly to blame cuts them to the quick.

All the while they are doing this, they are also telling you that they love you and will look after you and there are flashes of the fun, attractive, kind person you were originally attracted to. You start to believe that, if only you could be a better person, there would be more of those lovely times you crave so much.

If all those things have been happening for months or years before the first slap, you are far less likely to be able to walk away. You will probably believe that it was your own fault or that it is a worthwhile price to pay to be in a relationship.

I get that some abusers aren't as good at it and don't get their victim to that point before the violence starts but many do and that is why even intelligent, articulate people, in high powered jobs, who may have previously judged others for being victims, find themselves unable to walk away.

Please don't ever say you wouldn't get into that position because, by doing so, you are apportioning blame to the victim and implying that they are somehow less clever, less strong, less able to look after themselves than you and that is not necessarily true.

People who have escaped those relationships are quite good enough at judging themselves for not leaving sooner. They don't need anyone else helping.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:45

Whatever.
By the way i have been one of these pesky hit once and leave women just incase you needed to know my qualifications.
I dont judge anyone whether they were hit once or 100 times its not a bloody competition.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:45

Im glad you are ok and dont ever think "it was just a bruise". "just a bruise" was how things started for me and it nearly always escalates more and more. you were lucky to break free and you are far stronger than you realise.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2017 22:45

Smell, this is the internet.

No-one truly knows what anyone here has been through.

And some people who say they've been through something, can give just as 'pointless and harmful' advice, as though who say they haven't.

I'm thinking about people who have the attitude of, 'Well I did it like this, therefore everyone else should too'.

Sometimes people who haven't actually experienced something first hand, can actually be less closed minded when giving advice.

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:45

I agree with smellbellina to a point here - it is very very damaging in some for people with no knowledge or experience of domestic violence to comment on another woman's experience. It has in the past made me feel suicidal when I read the Anyfucker style response.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2017 22:45

*those

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:46

user I'm glad, those are the people you should be able to turn to. But, I would encourage you if you get the opportunity to attend meetings with others present that have experienced it themselves
Flossy that response says it all.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:46

"People who have escaped those relationships are quite good enough at judging themselves for not leaving sooner. They don't need anyone else helping."

Likewise people that do leave don't need those that didn't judging us for the choices we make for our future lives.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:47

Smell I don't need to attend meetings - I see other people who've experienced dv in my day - to - day life who've experienced it for themselves.

Sigh, this is turning into another women bashing women thread. How lovely.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:48

"it is very very damaging in some for people with no knowledge or experience of domestic violence to comment on another woman's experience."

Actually

it is very very damaging in some for people with knowledge or experience of domestic violence to comment on another woman's experience

OR

it is very very damaging in some for people to comment on another woman's experience

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:48

Do you not qualify either user?

Do you see what you are doing Smell?

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:49

Goldmandra. Just thank you. I had a few swear words to express something but basically how did you know all that? It was basically

F me You've nailed it.

OP posts:
user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:51

Flossy No, it would seem not. Apparently I should be going to the "meetings".

PhyllisNights · 29/04/2017 22:51

What we say we would do and what we actually would do are two completely different things. Not everyone has the money or the support to be able to leave so easily.

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:52

Worrall I agree. I would never post on AIBU about DV. But only because I learnt that to my cost.
Whatever, when it comes to something as serious as DV the most important thing is someone finds the resources to stay safe, not be told what they should have done. Or worse, what a normal/better person would have done not to be in that position.

TheShapeofYou · 29/04/2017 22:52

My Dad grabbed me by the throat, pinned me up against the wall and raised his fist to me. I was 16 and shaking. He'd never been violent to me or in front of me before. I packed up and left, and haven't seen or heard from him since...that was 20yrs ago. I subsequently discovered he abused my Mum (they separated when I was a toddler) so badly she was hospitalised for three days. My Mum taught me well, plus I had the tenacity, confidence and support to leave and never look back. I know it's different to an abusive relationship, and can't imagine how difficult it must be for women to leave after months and years of emotional blackmail, when your confidence is at rock bottom and you have little or no support.

OP I'm glad you're getting some help from the MASH (multiagency safeguarding hub). All the best for the future Flowers

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:53

Tbf those that leave at the first incident are in a better position

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:53

For God's sake, if you've gotten away, how can you find it offensive to read about people who struggle?

OP posts:
nixi86 · 29/04/2017 22:54

I've been in two DV relationships, one from the age of 16-24 was beaten black and blue many a time, it started when I was pregnant. I stayed another 4 years after that. Once I was away the harassment lasted about 12 months.

second involved much more mental abuse and 3 acts of violence, him withholding youngest DS from me, launching false accusations about child abuse after my son fell out of bed, telling me son in front of me that I was a liar. Last act of violence was Christmas eve 3 years ago, wasn't the most brutal beating i'd ever had but to me it was the most revealing, he came to mine to discuss the christmas arrangements for DS drank two bottles of wine and got violent after i'd said I regretted ruining our friendship with the relationship. After he had taken his anger out on me, I rang the police reported his drunk driving. 24hrs later I had a restraining order. He pled not guilty until I turned up at court swiftly changed his plea and lost his licence for drunk driving.
Now am away from the emotional abuse I can see how truly bad it was, best decision I ever made.

I don't care how many times it takes someone to be hit before they leave, the only thing that matters to me is that they do. OP if you ever need help, support or a vent please keep posting regardless of if you get the "I would have" posts, truth is even to this day I dont know fully how I would react to being in that situation again let alone anyone who hasn't been the a DV situation

Hope you're feeling ok OP x

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:55

So you don't think people who leave still struggle? There's no lasting impact on DV relationships is there?

You said you are now away? Why are you still allowed to be struggling but others aren't?

And why are you continuing to pit women against women who've experienced (or not experienced) DV.

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:56

Ok lol, maybe it's mash.

OP posts:
ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:56

my HV was my life saver. she knew somethimf was going on, she knew i was so bloody isolated it was unreal. she gave me the tools to escape, i owe my life to her.

a lot of people dont realise just how trapped you get and how quickly you do.

i respect anyone that leaves regardless of it being the first hit, before the first hit or after 80 hits. for some who have been through it to the extent i have its not just a walk away and you are free job, 3.5 months i walked away and im still not free. i have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, if court for contact results in him getting contact i will never be free, i will never be safe.

Goldmandra · 29/04/2017 22:56

myoriginal3

I just wish I didn't know any of it and I wish you didn't either.

Flowers
ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:57

DASH is the risk assessment for MARAC which is where serious dv cases get reffered to.

MASH is a part of social services.

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 22:57

user was that to me?

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