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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 29/04/2017 22:58

I've linked to this before. The shark cage theory. If you left at the first slap, well done you 🙌🏻. You have a shark cage because of your background and experiences. And the alarms on it work. Please don't judge women who don't.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:59

Folded No one is judging women who haven't on this thread - women who have left at the first physical incident are being judged by women who haven't left at the first physical incident.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:01

No.

It was in response to this "For God's sake, if you've gotten away, how can you find it offensive to read about people who struggle?"

My point is getting away does not equal not struggling. Regardless of when you leave - it can, and often is, still shit.

WayfaringStranger · 29/04/2017 23:02

I feel like some people are trying to play one upmanship. It isn't about comparing pain and struggles. You are allowed to struggle whether you've been hit once or a hundred times or even if you haven't been hit. If we start saying that people who have been hit once struggle less, you are playing down the abuse and I'm afraid, you are part of the problem.

Nobody deserves to be abused. People should be safe in their own homes.

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 23:02

user that's not true.
What is being pointed out is that the experience of a woman who left after 1 incident is quite different for the experience of a woman who left after 20+. The usual report to police is estimated at being after 20 episodes, surely you can see that is different?

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 23:04

My point is getting away does not equal not struggling. Regardless of when you leave - it can, and often is, still shit.
I agree, sorry if I seem like I don't. It is shit.

Lweji · 29/04/2017 23:05

when it comes to something as serious as DV the most important thing is someone finds the resources to stay safe

This is very true.

I don't think it has been mentioned people who say to kick the attacker out.

I did, as he left when I called the police, but after I let him in the house again later, the only way I felt safe to leave was to find an excuse and leave with DS and just my handbag.

I still don't know what prevented him from beating me that first time. But I wouldn't recommend to anyone doing the same.

Goldmandra · 29/04/2017 23:05

women who have left at the first physical incident are being judged by women who haven't left at the first physical incident.

No, women who declare that they would have left at the first slap are being asked to stop because they don't necessarily understand what they are saying and it sounds judgemental of those who couldn't.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:06

Smell Actually it's exactly what is coming across in this thread. Which started with an accusation that no woman would have left after the first slap.

It's then continued into the "you should to go meetings", people who haven't experienced DV cannot advise, guide, support, you can't be struggling because you've left vein.

1 episode to 20 episodes - it really doesn't matter. There can be a huge range to first episodes of physical violences. You have no idea what happened beforehand, or afterwards, or how people's lives have panned out since.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:08

From the OP. A total judgement straight off.

"You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine."

"myoriginal3 Sat 29-Apr-17 21:55:53
I'd love to hear of any one woman who actually did leave after the first slap."

Some of us can imagine this, because we've been there.

Jux · 29/04/2017 23:08

just a bruise on your wrist? Just ???

No no no. It wasn't just a bruise. It was a million and one things encapsulated in that bruise on your wrist.

It was a demonstration of his 'power', it was putting you back in your box, it was showing you who was boss.

AND YOU GOT OUT!!!

Who cares whether it was the first incident, or one of many? Yes, I know it makes a difference. In fact, the longer it goes on the harder it is to go. So what you've done now is BRILLIANT!!!

You are strong. You have got away and regained yourself. Now, you can take your life back, and make your normality to suit you. You are brave and strong and I take my hat off to you.

Well done, Original. Very very well done Star

Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 23:09

Of course 1 episode to 20 makes a difference Confused
I didn't say she should I said I would encourage her.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 23:10

Goldmantra - I'm just reading back and you've posted what I would have posted.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 23:11

Tbf those that leave at the first incident are in a better position

Yes Smell making myself homeless was deffo the better position!

Why try and make this a competition?
My DV experience is not minimising anyone elses. It is no more or no less painful. Stop trying to make it a point scoring exercise.

TheySayIamparanoid · 29/04/2017 23:12

I was walking round Whitby today and remembered the last time I was here, with an ex, years ago.

He wanted to get us an icecream, and I said
'No ta, I don't like it, it's too cold!'
He was very offended and said
'How can you not like icecream? Everyone does! You're wrong, you Must like it and not realise!'

So I ended up eating one and saying how right he was, that he knew best!

Still can't stand the bloody stuff!

I put up with a lot worse than that from him, took me about 8 months after that to see him for what he really was and get rid!

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:12

Well that's not what was posted was it, what was posted was pretty degrading to women who've left after "one slap".

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 23:12

Jux - you made me cry and smile with that post. Thank you.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 29/04/2017 23:12

Shaming someone for not leaving after the first slap plays into the abusers hands. Sorry but it does. The whole thing is wired up to make the abused believe they are in the wrong. One little bit of support for that POV just prolongs the abuse.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 23:13

i didnt leave at the first physical incident but incertainly dont disregard anyone that did. why woukd anyone look down on someone who has been assaulted and judge them for putting up with it for longer?

i wish i had the strength and self esteem to have done the same.

i also dont think anythung is comparable..i have known of relationships where the victim has been emotionally tortured but never physically touched and i know ones where someone has been hit but it was ojt of the blue with none of the emotional abuse. i said it earlier that to me the emotional was far far worse than the physical.

no two situations are the same. i think anyone who did get out straight away or.not experienced it at all do struggle to comprehend. im glad they dont tbh.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:13

Smell NO ONE on this thread is shaming people for not leaving after the first slap. People who have left after the first slap are being shamed by other people who've experienced DV.

Honeybee79 · 29/04/2017 23:14

ohdea Flowers. You are one strong person. Am glad you got out and I hope you begin to feel free soon.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 23:14

You are the ones that are minimising DV (for people who chose to leave at the first physical incident). No one else on this thread is.

Nessie71 · 29/04/2017 23:14

Everybody elses life is easier to live! Nothing ever is black and white x Hope you find a solution to your problem op x

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 23:14

I think the 'in a better position' was meant that they were in a stronger financial position to start with so they COULD actually leave. Financial or emotional.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 23:16

Nobody is shaming. Thats damage already done by the abuser. People are saying they would leave and some actualy did like me.
Isnt leaving the normal response?
Is the normal response not what victims should be hearing, not the fucked up reality their abusers feed them?