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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
myoriginal3 · 30/04/2017 15:44

And why is there always one fool who has to describe an OP as vile. Seriously like.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/04/2017 15:49

'On every single thread of abuse you will read 'I'd have left after....'. This is not fucking helpful when you're still there. It's unhelpful and victim blaming.'

It's the nature of the beast, though, with a site this large and its style of moderation, no one can control what others post, and everyone has a different opinion on what's helpful or constructive. You can't dictate how a thread goes or expect everyone to share your opinion.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 15:54

OP, sorry to say but you made it about those who leave straight away by saying people don't.
Quite frankly, it's like your missquote, when you put down a pp for correcting you on that.

People here have corrected you on your statement about people leaving sooner rather than later.

I suggest you concentrate on your actual point about people saying what they'd do instead of focusing on helping someone with the problem at hand. I agree with you on that. It comes across as criticism.

And perhaps you should also realise that you have been guilty here of what you criticise in others, which is telling them what you'd have done.

Dragongirl10 · 30/04/2017 16:07

OP l have just read back through the whole thread and honestly whether people left straight away or years later, they have almost without exception been supportive and kind in their comments and stories.

Your anger is understandable, but it needs to be directed at the person who did this to you, not at well meaning MNers, we are not your enemy and all wish you well, safety, and happiness.

One man has made you feel this horrible pain...HE is responsible for his vile actions...please do not direct anger at those who are trying to help.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 30/04/2017 16:12

Maybe people saying "I'd have left after the first slap" are showing you that it is ok to leave, you don't have to try harder/be more understanding/be a better partner in whatever way they have you believing you need to be, you are in fact worth more than all of that.
That doesn't make it easy to leave, but you are more than justified in leaving.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 16:22

Your anger is understandable, but it needs to be directed at the person who did this to you, not at well meaning MNers, we are not your enemy and all wish you well, safety, and happiness.

This.
You're right to be angry, but at him. Not yourself or others.

You made the judgement call to leave when it was best for you and when you were ready. As most people have.

Be happy that you left.

Pp who post unhelpful comments are usually called out on them. But are really best ignored.

supermoon100 · 30/04/2017 16:39

I know a woman who did not leave after many incidents, (as far as I can gather from what she has told me) - eventually the dh recieved help and is no longer violent. They are an older couple and from what I can see, happily married now for many years. He changed and she forgave him. It can happen but perhaps she should have left and made a new life without him. Who can tell?

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 16:43

Moon that's supremely dangerous advice.

Violent men do not change. More than likely he is still abusing her, just more subtly.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 16:46

He could also have easily killed her during one of those episodes. Why risk it?

We don't put up with strangers attacking us.

supermoon100 · 30/04/2017 16:49

I'm not advising it! I'm reporting a real life couple who came through it. Marriages go through all sorts of ups and downs - from affairs, drug addiction, DV, to name just a few. My point is people can change. I'm not a massive fan of the guy but he has turned his life around.

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 16:50

You don't know that with respect because you aren't his wife.

It's quite common for abusers to stop being physical but ramp up the emotional abuse instead.

ohdeaeyme · 30/04/2017 16:50

that scenario where change actually happened is perhaps 1% of all cases but by givijg people that hope makes ot harder to go

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 16:51

And DV is not just a relationship "up and down". That attitude is dangerous.

supermoon100 · 30/04/2017 16:55

Homity - it was a part of this couples up and down. Amazing but true. I don't condone it!

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 16:57

No it wasn't, because it's not an up and down.

I suspect we are not looking at it from the same angle.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 17:00

DV is not a relationship down indeed. It's a crime. It can carry jail sentences.
It's fucking dangerous. It kills people.
That woman was lucky and so is every DV survivor.

LemonCurdles · 30/04/2017 17:03

supermoon two women are murdered every single week in the UK by DV.

Please bear in mind there are very vulnerable people seeing comments like yours which will give them reasoning to stay in their abusive relationships.

Lweji · 30/04/2017 17:14

but he has turned his life around.

He probably "changed" when she was ready to leave and he was facing having to do his own laundry and food in his old age.
Shame she had to be his victim during all those years. While he's just been coasting and got through unscathed. Unlike her.

pudddy · 30/04/2017 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supermoon100 · 30/04/2017 17:18

I have advised my own friends to leave violent partners. Domestic violence is utterly abhorrent in every way but there are rare cases where people change. You can't stop that from being true. I'm sorry if it upsets you. This world is not black and white

ohdeaeyme · 30/04/2017 17:19

i cant believe what i have just read supermoon :|

100% agree pudddy!

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 17:20

How do you know they have changed moon?

Lweji · 30/04/2017 17:28

there are rare cases where people change.

And those rare cases keep victims hoping for something that will never come in the vast majority of cases. Sometimes to their deaths.
I wouldn't mention them.

Abusers can change first, then their victims can decide to believe it or not.

Sallystyle · 30/04/2017 17:29

Abusers never change. Well, they don't go from violently abusive to lovely husbands.

My dad stopped hitting my mum after a while. All looked ok on the outside. His emotional and mental abuse was hideous though.

Hitting someone is always black and white. I would bet my last penny that the man is still abusing his wife super.

LemonCurdles · 30/04/2017 17:31

"maybe he will change"

"all relationships have ups and downs"

SAID THE WOMEN WHO ARE FUCKING DEAD!

supermoon you can maybe not report your apparent rare dv happy endings on a thread started by a poster in a relationship with dv who is in danger. It's moronic

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