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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 22:08

So you're posting to tell people one form of advice isn't helpful?

I get that. But sometimes people don't post to help, you know this. Just like you're not posting for advice. I do think you need to start a thread in relationships Flowers

TheySayIamparanoid · 29/04/2017 22:08

Every time my ex ('s) were abusive I used to say to myself
'Thankyou for killing a bit more of my love for you'
Until I had the strength to leave
Blush I know that sounds a bit lame but it really did work for me!

sunnysouthend · 29/04/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:09

ohdaeyme - you strong strong strong strong lady.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 29/04/2017 22:09

So OP, if you're still there but you can see the wrongs, and you know that it's wrong, and are even prepared to speak out above them publically, why are you still there? He doesn't love you. So however much you love him, it doesn't matter, because if he loved you he wouldn't do this to you.

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:09

also my abusers tactic was just before he hurt us he would take my phone off me and lock the doors and hide the keys. i wasnt allowed rhem back until he talked me round so i could never call the police

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/04/2017 22:10

I agree, OP. It's not helpful, because it comes across as judging the person who's not leaving.

I know women who left immediately, and I believe it's helpful and inspiring for them to share those experiences, but it can be done by saying 'this happened to me and this is what I did, and here's how it worked out'. Saying 'I would leave' is admitting it hasn't happened to you, but simultaneously guilting the person who's suffering the violence.

NameNotANumber · 29/04/2017 22:10

I did leave and absolutely would do again.

I don't think it is unhelpful for people to say that, in fact the opposite, they are reinforcing that violence and abuse are not acceptable in a normal healthy relationship and that you don't have to put up with it, and actually it is ok not to put up with it, and that no matter how scary it may seem at the time, lots of women have left and been ok on their own.

OP I hope that you get the support and help that you need to leave.

Phoebefromfriends · 29/04/2017 22:10

I suspect that many women see red flags being raised before any violence takes place, these wouldn't be captured in any statistics because you couldn't report any abuse.

I 'm sorry to hear you are suffering OP.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:12

Look, if someone ends it after the first slap or insult, my hat is off to you.

But...

Some of us don't.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 29/04/2017 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UppityHumpty · 29/04/2017 22:13

I left after the first slap. Left barefoot in my nightshirt in the middle of the night, and called a cab and checked myself into a hotel because I luckily managed to grab my wallet. Sent my brothers afterwards to grab my stuff.

I won't put up with abuse. I just won't. Determination and self-belief goes a long way.

Sunshineandlaughter · 29/04/2017 22:13

I agree with you op

CodLiverOil556 · 29/04/2017 22:15

I did, 6 years of marriage and exH had been drinking red wine...never been violent before and he punched me in the face because I tried to help him up after he'd fallen over.

I packed my bag and left, I watched my mother be beaten black and blue and wasn't about to go down the same route.

Hope you find your strength soon and leave OP

GaladrielsRing · 29/04/2017 22:15

I left the first time exh hit me. My dad used to beat my mum - she was married to him for 14 years and put up with it and I swore I never would.
You can't make a sweeping statement about something like this - a lot of people don't know what they would do if ever in this situation.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:15

As for me, I'm now under some multi-agency thing to safe-guard me. DASH? something like that.

But please don't insult a woman for staying. I stayed previously because I was financially dependent. I'm away now.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:16

No some dont OP.

But dont you think the more people that say they would not stay and would walk away is better? Dont you think it proves its not acceptable?
I would tather 100 posters say its nit acceptable than 1 say it is Sad

ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 22:16

op if you ever need an ear, please feel free to message. sometimes the greatest help comes from knowing that you aren't alone.

I truly get where you are right now, and it is so hard.

my point came when i realised he was getting closer everytime to killing me or was pushing me closer everytime to killing myself. it genuinely got to the point the only end result i saw was me dead.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:18

I left after the first "slap".

And yes, I know what I would do if it happened again. So please don't go thinking you speak for every woman. You don't, and you can't.

Lweji · 29/04/2017 22:18

I'd love to hear of any one woman who actually did leave after the first slap.

Not strictly left, but I called the police and told him it was over.
I did leave two days later for good and that was because I told him, after he begged, that I'd give him a month probation and he made threats.

The thing is that when it gets (got) to the slap other things will have happened. The slap won't come out of the blue.

Original poster
myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 22:19

Ok, I'm not saying that women don't leave, I'm saying that statistically they don't and anecdotally they don't. Hypothetically telling someone that they'd have left after the first 'hello' is really really not helpful to someone in a dangerous relationship.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 29/04/2017 22:20

I left at the first slap. Twice, with two different men.
First wasn't even a 'slap', it was him blocking a doorway and threatening to. I diffused the situation and left while he was at work the next day.
Second, recently was a man i'd been with for a while, rented out my house to move in with. Had no idea he was in any way violent until he came in from the pub, I was upset because it was my birthday and I was a bit upset at being in alone, we had 'words' and he grabbed my throat & pushed me against the wall. I waited for him to go up to bed, quietly collected all my stuff and was gone by morning. I had to leave some stuff but I've never looked back and never regretted leaving.
Everyone has that line in the sand, i'll put up with a lot of shit, but that's mine.

That said, I know we're all different OP and I hope you'll be ok. xx

Sunshineandlaughter · 29/04/2017 22:21

I think it's often bevayse the victim is often already blaming themselves on some level for the abuse - they know it's their partner but often they think but I am too fat, said the wrong thing, provoked him unreasonably. I guess it's low confidence and ability to leave (finances, no friends) that therefore stops a lot of people from leaving at the first sign. Saying 'well I would have left' therefore makes it worse because thr victim loses even more of their confidence.

user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 22:21

"You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't."

Actually that's what you said. You clearly said, and emphasised, the word "wouldn't".

You are incorrect.

TheStoic · 29/04/2017 22:21

Often, when women leave after the first incident, they don't report it at all. They will not appear in any official statistics.