to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

[myoriginal3]

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

Yeah I struggle to comprehend what it was like. We'd only had a 9 year relationship before the first "slap". But I couldn't possibly know because I left after the first physical incident.

This thread is abhorrent. I cannot believe other women who have suffered domestic violence and minimising other women's experiences with DV. It's truly sickening.

Agree with this post from anamenotanumber
I did leave and absolutely would do again. I don't think it is unhelpful for people to say that, in fact the opposite, they are reinforcing that violence and abuse are not acceptable in a normal healthy relationship and that you don't have to put up with it, and actually it is ok not to put up with it, and that no matter how scary it may seem at the time, lots of women have left and been ok on their own

I know the thread has moved on but spot on op

Maybe some people would leave . Maybe a lot more don't know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship.

Your in shock the first time . embarrassed . believe they'll change . believe it's a one off . Don't want to imagine they are capable of that so it was definitely out of character , maybe you provoked them . You've no where else to go . You love them . The kids love them . Etc etc etc . By the 4th or 5th time your confidence and self worth is probably fucked anyway .

I've linked to this before. The shark cage theory. If you left at the first slap, well done you 🙌🏻. You have a shark cage because of your background and experiences. And the alarms on it work. Please don't judge women who don't

Over the years I have come across women who have been living as dogs against their will, women who have been in prisoned by their husband for over a decade, women who have had enforced weighloss that produced the same effect as anorexia,and women who have lived lives that on discovery have made seasoned police officers sob.

A large amount of them had not previously had actual violent physical abuse as a feature prior to the incident that led to relationship exit.

I wouldn't say they had a shark cage or any alarms of any type were working

OP Firstly l am so very sorry you have been in such a horrible situation and felt you could not get out before...l honestly think no one is judging.

Everyone is different and every situation is different.

I left after the first slap, or rather l had to find a way to get my DP to leave as it was my flat.

He was the one person who l had loved like no other, and he turned controlling and violent within 3 weeks after a long time together, for no reason.

When he hit me, that second he was dead to me, in fact l wished him dead, angry does not come close to the contempt l felt for what he had done.

I could not ever forgive or accept that he thought it OK to hit me.

I tricked him into giving me his key that day, once he was away from me l ended it. He stalked me relentlessly, broke into the flat assaulted me again. I eventually escaped and called the police to press charges, they were great.

He still stalked me so l moved, sold my business and took a different job elsewhere, l have made it my business to know where he is and what he is doing ever since, he does not know my whereabouts.

My guilt is l cannot warn the other women who he will assault, this haunts me as they may not be able to get away.

My fury towards him is still there, although what happened does not bother me and l am happy, because l got away relatively unscathed.
I know many are not so fortunate.

Admittedly l do not understand why anyone stays, but l feel only sympathy and my heart goes out to all those in abusive relationships.

Mostly l just feel anger at those men who think they have the right to hit.

Saying "I would have left after the first slap" about somebody else's situation is an unhelpful thing to say. And you don't actually know. Even if you left after one slap in your own situation, you can't ever know for sure what you'd have done in another situation, with another background leading up to that first slap.

I didn't leave after the first hit.

If I was in a situation just like that again, I would definitely leave after the first one. In fact, way before. Because I have that experience and wisdom now.

But there are lots of types of abusive relationships, and I'm not so naive as to think I am immune from ever falling into any of them.

I'd like to think I wouldn't. I'd like to think I'd always see straight through it. I'd like to think I'm too smart, have too much self-respect, know too much. But I thought all that when I was in an abusive relationship, and it didn't stop me from being in it - just from seeing it for what it was.

And yes to the shark cage theory

I absolutely NOW would leave at the first slap ! But the reason for that unfortunately is insight and strength gained from previous abusive relationships. I can be in the position now to know exactly what id react like now without judging those who's react differently

i'm not minimising.

im probably not wording what im trying to say very well as im exhausted.

i just know that everytime a physical incident happened it showed just a little more what he was capable off which added to the fear. every incident brought more and more blame on to me, more feelings of guilt and self disgust. He was vile to me emotionally before he ever touched me, he had laid the ground work to make sure i wouldnt leave.

i was going through my diary the other day for court.. its clear that the first incident i didnt realise just what he was capable of, i was devestated and hurt and scared but i didnt have the same fear i had after the subsequent 90+ incidents because he hadnt shown me the extent of it.

I do get very annoyed and irritating by posters whose childhood/life circumstances hasn't deeply damaged them judging others...

We are all unique personalities, we all have unique life circumstances.

It's just horrendous when people are wanting to support and help and they are criticised for the fact that are not able to be perfect.

Those that left at the first incident were you pregnant? Baby under 1 year? They are high times for DV and it is obvious why. If so, well done. If not, well done. You still can. Not leaving is not an indication there is anything 'wrong' with you. You still can!

I didn't leave after the first slap. I left after the first time he said he could kill me if he wanted to (whilst pinning me on the floor with his knee in my back, pulling up on my shoulders and threatening to break my spine).

That was when I realised that he did intend to hurt me every time. Every slap, choke hold, cruel word. Every time he coerced me into having sex with him by saying if I didn't then I must be cheating on him. Every time he gaslighted me that none of those things really happened and I was imagining things.

It started slowly - for many years it was just words and gaslighting, but in the last year the physical stuff escalated so fast I had no idea what to do until I finally told my family and boss what was happening. They got me out and fully set up in under 8 weeks - overtime at work or going to the park was our cover for viewing flats, then when XP decided to fuck off on a 'lads holiday' for a week I moved out completely. He came back to a house empty of everything except his shit.

Without support I don't know if I'd have even been able to leave when I did.

I see people who were able to leave immediately as lucky but not necessarily stronger or having struggled any less. It's just different experiences.

Smell seriously it just sounds like you are point scoring again!!

It does not matter. It really doesnt. The fact a person suffered DV is enough to not insight judgement. They dont need to tick things off on a bingo card.

DV is wrong and never the victims fault. Yes there are varying degrees but DV is DV. Wrong from the second it happens.

I was convinced that I would leave immediately if someone hit me. And yet, when it happened, after 2 years of confidence erosion and punching walls near my head; throwing cutlery near me....I wasn't sure if he'd actually hit me. He said he hadn't, said he'd slipped.

When i tell people this, they can't believe I'd ever put up with shit like that. If it'd come from nowhere, maybe would ha v e been different, but he'd already convinced me that I was boring, etc. And I was used to his drunken volatility.

And I have left subsequent relationshipstatus because of 'red flags' before anything has happened. Like I was with someone who completely lost it with a bunch of kids and screamed at them in front if me, and road raged someone who didn't give way to him.

He assured me he'd never lose his temper with me, I was different etc. but the damage was done. I wasn't going to risk having that level of anger directed at me.

And I have left subsequent relationship status because of 'red flags' before anything has happened.

This. But definitely learnt these from people who hadn't experienced DV. Also learnt how to have an argument properly from people in healthy relationships and practiced with my GP on a couple of occasions...

I would leave.
Because my mum didn't and it was shit.

I completely understand why some women can't and won't though. Abuse can grind you down and abusers have an amazing knack of convincing you that you're getting just what you deserve.
Women who can't leave aren't weak. They are ground down and can't see any other way.
useless though they are for every person who has shared a heart rending story on here. And thinking of those who never make it out.

smell is right though.

and if you have ever had the dash risk assessment done its things like being pregnant/having a child under one that increase the score on risk and safety.

Same as me now rhoda you can spot the red flags a bloody mile off once you've seen them come to fruition in the past eh.

Nobody is saying these things are not risk factors but you cant use them as a reason somebody should not give their story or advice/opinion.

There are women who experience their first physical incident who's DASH score is through the roof without being pregnant or having a child under 1 actually. Being pregnant or having a child under 18 months is one score point on that DASH assessment out of 24. I see you are back to point scoring again though.

How vile.

I had a friend who said this to me. I think people imagine it happening in their 'normal' relationship. Where one day they're equal supportive partner turns round & hits them. In that situation you may leave as you are a confident individual. Or you may forgive as it was 'a one off' 'out of character' 'down to x y z'. Until the next time.... there is a sense of shame for some admitting your partner hit you. Your family may love them, there may be a wedding, holiday, Christmas, children etc. & you would feel you were letting everyone down cancelling or leaving. I don't think any off us should underestimate our power to minimalise.

Also when people throw this comment around, they are ignorant to the fact that there is often isolation, financial, emotional abuse & gas lighting. Low self esteem & lack of funds are strong chains!

I believe if you truly heal from an abusive relationship you stand a chance at protecting yourself by being wise to the signs. Most of are kind hearted & naive to abuse & take many years to reflect & see what the fuck is going on.

for all the strong & brave people enduring this.

i never said it was the only thing that made someone high risk but it is one of them and as soon as children and babies are thrown into the mix no one can deny that things do become infinitely harder to escape.

im not saying its not hard anyway, but it does become even harder especially as kids instantly become ab easy weapon for abusers.

i also have been discussed at MARAC several times, not entirely sure why as nothing ever seems to change. i still feel just as at risk as i did 6 months ago.

That sounds depressingly familiar, Thegiantofillinois.

One of the first times my ex physically hurt me, he was sweeping under a table I was sitting at with a wooden broom. He was angry with me (I don't even remember why now) and he kept accidentally-on-purpose hitting my feet with the broom. I said "Stop doing that!" and he slammed the broom into my ankle, right on the bony bit. Hurt like buggery - and I yelled and hit out at him.

So I didn't leave, after that one. Because he was so sure he hadn't hit me on purpose, and I was doubting myself. And because I'd hit him! So I didn't see myself as abused at all - I felt guilty and terrible and thought I was an awful girlfriend and he was good to put up with me.

A few years later he was pinning me against a wall by my throat. They like to start small...