AIBU to not have this little boy around to play?

[user1491572121]

DD is 9 and there's a little boy who is in her class who has moved into a house nearby to us a few months ago.

He's a perfectly decent little boy I suppose...but something about him rubs me up the wrong way. He's not "naughty" but he is quite cheeky....he makes personal remarks which at 9 he's old enough to know better about...about my house and the way I look etc.

He is quite "Oh I've got one of those but mine's better" about pretty much anything DD has. And "Oh our house is much nicer than yours"

These are just a few examples.

Anyway there's a stream near our house and I took DD and this boy there a few times not long after they moved in. Now, DD keeps on and on at me to take them again.

I've said no as I just don't want to spend time with the boy and I can't leave them alone near the water as it's deep and a bit lonely there.

His Mother also gets on my nerves.

DD won't accept it. She has loads of mates...this little boy is not particularly close to her or anything. I just don't want to encourage the friendship because he's rude.

AIBU?

My DS (10) has a friend who I really don't like ..However he makes his choice of friends. He gets invited to parties , anything where the whole group is played with.

If my DS falls out with him, I do not rub my hands in glee. I support my DS to sort it out but he has never been to our house.. My life is too short.

If your going to the stream a not today is the best answer I would give.

Wow. This thread has turned into the equivalent of a lynch mob from lots of posters!

A child was rude and immediately he is a twat/bastard/his behaviour is from his mother ect......

Seriously. Kids aren't perfect. I bet everyone on this thread could think of an incident from their own childhood where they behaved in a way that wasn't what was deemed socially acceptable at the time.

I could cringe over some of the dumb stuff I did and said. Wince even.

As some more sensible posters have advised. If you don't like what the lad is saying, tell him in a constructive way why it isn't nice. If he continues, speak to his parents about behavioural concerns.

You would do him a favour by explaining how the things he says are perceived. He may have no intention of being offensive and if he thinks the way to impress people is to tell them what marvellous things he has, he will just keep offending people without meaning to and end up isolated.

It isn't your 'job' to explain this to him but it might be a kind thing to do if nobody else has bothered.

Then again, if you just want your decision to exclude him socially to be validated then that's entirely up to you. Some people are kind to children. Some aren't. Decide what you want to do and do it.

IMO YABU not to give this lad the opportunity to learn from his mistakes but if you can only extend this kindness to your own children, we will just have to hope that someone else will be compassionate enough to take on a job that is not theirs.

This 'sensible' poster says....you do what feels right to you.

So you're an adult and the nine year old kid your -presumably faultless- child plays with gets on your nerves. No bullying or violence, he just irritates you?
Kids show off and are brutally honest. It's dead normal.
I'm not into the aibu thing because reasonable behaviour is very subjective. I think anyone who wants to discourage their kid's friendships based on whether or not you like the parent or whether or not the kid behaves immaculately is a bit of a tit. Unless your kid's at risk. What's your kid at risk of? Catching boastfulness? Awful that.

My son is nine, my house is often full of other 9 year old boys, and only one had done that rude, boastful thing. O didn't know how to tackle the boasting, ( but asked my ds his he felt about of later, and he said it made it hard to enjoy his company) but I told him not to make comparisons and personal remarks.
So no not normal 9 yeast old behaviour.

Did you start the thread to have a go at the boy and his mother? As it appears you have already made your mind up.

My nephew is on the spectrum and he can not lie, has no empathy and is literal in what he says. He told me his dad's car was much better than mine because in his head it is. When I put weight on he told me I was growing bigger He will say things like you smell like flowers if he smells your perfume but equally would tell you something unpleasant.

I'm not diagnosing the boy with asd but not all children are diagnosed by 9 year old. And his mother telling you all about the town is an asd trait, my nephew can talk in depth about certain subjects.

You don't have to let your DD play with him but don't start a thread to find support of your dislike of the boy and his mother.

If he's making your DD or yourself feel bad, then it's not worth it.

In what world is bragging and making personal comments, by a child (let alone an adult!) ok? My kids play at a variety of friends' houses, different sizes/tidiness/stuff. I would be horrified if they went to anyone's house saying things like that, just bloody rude. We stopped a nearby child coming around for pretty much them same reasons, she used to come to me in the kitchen and interminably go through every teeny thing she had done at school and 'beaten' my DD. Then said when mine got the science prize 'oh I guess *** borrowed my brain that day!' Fuck off kid, you're not going to win friends that way. You'll find lots avoid him op, seems that most people just quietly drift away from those type of kids. Lol at the smelly feet comment.

And what message does it send your child if you repeatedly allow another child into your house who is rude and obnoxious to them?

I would take a friend along if my daughter wanted one to go with even if it was someone Ines not entirely sure about her having s friendship with the fact that they d be there with them would make it easy for me and even though your child and he might not be close friends, she does regard him as a friend so for her, I'd do it. You can also be subtle in telling him not to be rude / sarcastic if you feel he is being rude so as not to come across as though you're giving him a proper telling off, as it's really for his parents to instill politeness / manners in him and to remind him of that before he goes off to visit others, that's how children learn to be polite if it's part of their upbringing in their homes they learn what's nice to say to people and what isn't nice or might hurt someone's feelings. I think we live in a nice home and I know my daughter feels that way but I've always told her and will always remind her that just because she might have nice clothes, house toys etc doesn't mean that we or she is better than others and that when we visit other people's homes to always respect where they live. She is only 6 and We've not as yet experienced her saying something along the lines of " my .... is better than ..... " or " my dad has... and yours doesn't " and/or say things in a mocking manner but I think of it should happen I'd be very quick to correct her by explaining that's not a good way to be. She does already understand what respect is. Who knows perhaps if he spends more time with you and your daughter he might just learn to be a bit less rude or sarcastic.

YANBU. DD has a 'friend' who says really horrible things to her such as 'I hate mini dame' etc. She shouts at her and stomps around when she doesn't get her own way. I have tried so hard to accommodate the child, but I don't want to send the message to DD that it's ok for people to treat you how ever the jeff they like, you always have to do the decent thing and be nice to everyone.

She doesn't listen to a word I say when she's here. She deliberately breaks DD's things including stuff that DD has made. It's all very stressful so I have made the decision not to have her round. I have battled with my decision for so long, but I'm going with my heart on this one.

You need to do what's right for you.

Oh its just his age. He's a typical 9 year old. With attitudes and excuses for such such bold and rude behavior. Its small wonder the worlds in the state its in. He is after all 9. He's not a little baby of 2, 3 or 4.
And no my dd would not have behaved like that to another parent
. I know my child. Plus if she ever did show any disrespect . she knew damn well that there would be consequences/sanctions. I'm not saying she's an angel a trillion miles from. She's got her faults. She's human.
Oh and in my day. I wouldn't have looked side ways at adult. Let a lone a friend's mum who was being hospitable. Unless I wanted a red arse for a week.
So no OP YANBU.

I think YANBU.
I wouldn't want to pull the kid up - not my job & id not want to encourage that relationship. I wouldn't stop it - I'd still invite the kid to birthday parties & other group activities but if it got on my tits to look after him I wouldn't. Life is too short.

And another thing I've realised since starting this thread is this....I wonder if I'd said the little boy was a girl, would people have been so adamant it's not his fault?

I think that I should teach my daughter not to take shit from males in her life who want to put her or me down!

I won't be asking him to go anywhere with us thanks to all those who have been supportive.

Well refusing to say anything after any of his previous comments is hardly showing your dd how to 'not take any shit' is it?
When my kids friends come over or come out with us they are treated/disciplined the same as my kids. If you don't think that's 'your job' I don't think you should be offering to look after anyone's kids tbh.

I'm so glad don't have to deal with this anymore as kids are grown. Other people's kids can be horrendous. Sure they thought same about mine. Had one who punched my toddler in head, same one did stink bomb at party. Actually was just him who was a pain. Lose him off your radar. She won't even remember who he was when she's 20.

I'm pretty gobsmacked that people have such low expectations of a 9 year old child. At 9 years old I don't think it is at all unreasonable to expect that a child would know better than to make personal comments about an adults appearance. Of course, IF this little boy has ASD then allowance should be made. However, as far as we know this boy does not have ASD. If he does and his parents haven't shared that- which is perfectly within their rights- then OP can hardly be expected to take that into account.

My DD is 8 (nearly 9), I'm fairly certain she wouldn't make such comments because she'd know it was unacceptable. And if I found out that she did make comments like those described by OP I would be mortified and would address the matter (firmly) with her. I would be happy for the adult in question to tell her off at the time too. I would not be putting it down to "typical 9 year old behaviour" as I think that's simply not true. It's rude, a child of that age should absolutely understand that. If he genuinely doesn't, and does not suffer from ASD or other SEN, then I would wonder about what his parents had been teaching him.

However, in OPs shoes I'm not sure I'd be telling him off- many parents would not be happy with another adult doing that to their child and would take great umbrage. Or would dismiss it as "typical 9 year old behaviour" or "he's just a bit immature".

I find doing play dates a bit of a pain anyway so if kids are rude it makes me feel even less inclined! I'd like to think that by 9 mine would have enough manners not to make personal comments, as this is what I have taught them.
I have noticed that my DCs classmates seem to think it's ok to make personal comments to other children about what they are wearing or how they look and it's really not nice, by 8+ I don't think the 'oh they are kids' excuse washes anymore as I have seen 9/10/11 yr olds make nasty remarks about other children and knew perfectly well what they were doing.

On the other hand - I do have one child with mild SN who doesn't always think before he behaves so sometimes acts inappropriately - it's never done maliciously but more thoughtlessly. So I do try not to be too quick to judge other children as I would like to think they would give my child a chance.

On play dates I do now tell children if they are misbehaving - at the end of the day it's my house and I expect everyone to follow the same rules. So on occasion I've told a child 'that's not a nice thing to say' etc. I don't go over the top and generally I try to leave them to it, but I do expect children to treat each other, and me, with kindness and respect. If they don't like it they don't have to come and play!

user
"And another thing I've realised since starting this thread is this....I wonder if I'd said the little boy was a girl, would people have been so adamant it's not his fault?"

I wonder if you'd read the thread you'd realise than no-one is "adamant" it's not his fault

I wonder if you hadn't come on determined not to listen to anyone's advice whether you'd not have to come back with straw man arguments relating it to gender

I wonder if you were more open-minded whether you'd be able to see different view point as just that, rather than an attack on you, and "unsupportive"

I wonder if you are so sensitive about your skin (understandably) whether you can't see past that

My DD had a friend who was incredibly spoilt - she was rude when she didn't like the choices she was given (example - she wanted dry socks but wanted DD pink ones - she was offered blue and had a right tantrum) she told me I had to go and buy her some pink ones - no doubt her mother would've rushed out to get some -

She doesn't come here anymore and her mother wonders why she's not invited anywhere!!

So no - makes no difference - if they are hard work they aren't invited either boy or girl

I don't think you ABU. He sounds like he's being bought up with no respect and I wouldn't want him in the house either. If he's a 'typical' 9 year old, then we're all doomed in this world.

Definitely would not put up with behaviour. It will rub off on your DD if she is exposed to it often enough. Acknowledging the boy probably hears all of what he is saying at home, to me it demonstrates exactly the kind of parenting he has. Explain to DD that you would not accept this kind of behaviour from her so no, you will not have him back. Agreed, not all 9 year old children are like this, fortunately. Old saying, can't pick your relations but can pick your friends applies here, child or no child.

children are sometimes very filterless and that this isn't necessarily malicious

We all start off completely filterless, until we are taught that we have to apply filters! 9 is plenty old enough to be told that you do not make personal or rude comments to people.

When my dc went to other people's houses, it was with an accompaniment of behaviour rules - be polite, 'please' and 'thank you', if friend's parent asks if you'd like a type of food you can't bear, don't say 'ugh, I hate that!' (said to me by other people's dc!), just say 'do you mind if I don't have that?' It's all very formulaic and needs to be taught. No excuse for rudeness at this age.

keeplooking

Did you install CCTV to ensure your rules were adhered to at all times?
Or do you, like the rest of us hope that they never show us up?

You assume a lot. You assume they haven't been taught.