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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not have this little boy around to play?

180 replies

user1491572121 · 29/04/2017 06:47

DD is 9 and there's a little boy who is in her class who has moved into a house nearby to us a few months ago.

He's a perfectly decent little boy I suppose...but something about him rubs me up the wrong way. He's not "naughty" but he is quite cheeky....he makes personal remarks which at 9 he's old enough to know better about...about my house and the way I look etc.

He is quite "Oh I've got one of those but mine's better" about pretty much anything DD has. And "Oh our house is much nicer than yours"

These are just a few examples.

Anyway there's a stream near our house and I took DD and this boy there a few times not long after they moved in. Now, DD keeps on and on at me to take them again.

I've said no as I just don't want to spend time with the boy and I can't leave them alone near the water as it's deep and a bit lonely there.

His Mother also gets on my nerves.

DD won't accept it. She has loads of mates...this little boy is not particularly close to her or anything. I just don't want to encourage the friendship because he's rude.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491572121 · 29/04/2017 12:45

Spikey where did I miss the fact that you'd diagnosed him?

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/04/2017 12:46

user

NO-One has diagnosed him. You, OTOH, seem to have discounted anything that doesn't fit with what you have decided to do.

Spikeyball · 29/04/2017 12:58

I didn't diagnose him User. Read Taylor's post.

Spikeyball · 29/04/2017 13:01

You have been criticising this child for rudeness but some of your own comments aren't pleasant.

Original poster
user1491572121 · 29/04/2017 13:11

Well Spikey it's one of those threads. Pretty much split.

There's the camp that thinks it's my duty to host a child that's rude because he might have ASD or because he's not matured enough to be polite.

And there's the camp that thinks I shouldn't because life's too short and it's not my job to parent him.

The trouble with the camp that thinks I SHOULD host him is that if he DOES have ASD then his Mother should be telling his friend's parents so they can make allowances. And if he's NOT on the spectrum but he's so immature at 9 that he can't be trusted to not make rude, personal comments then he probably shouldn't be sent out to spend time with other people alone yet.

So I'll stick with the roughly 50% who agree with me I think.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/04/2017 13:14

There's mainly a camp that suggests you try other things before not hosting him at all, and that may include seeing that his behaviour may be the result of something that's not obvious to you, like ASD.

And there's you, who just came on to rant about him and seek approval for doing what you want to do.

Which is fine. You can do what you like.

NotYoda · 29/04/2017 13:15

It's weird you are so annoyed.

ohtheholidays · 29/04/2017 13:21

YANBU and I'm surprised at some of the replys.

I do think 9 is old enough to know better,our youngest DD9 isn't rude like that and she's autistic.

We have 5DC and I've worked with children and have lots of nephews and nieces and the only child I ever knew that behaved like that once over the age of about 7 was a neighbours son,sadly he's carried on being like that as he's got older and because of it he has hardly any friends(and his parents have spoken to specialist's and no special needs have been found) and his parents and have moved him through several different schools instead of just dealing with the way he speaks to other people.

If he can't be polite when he spends time with your DD out of school then I'd worry about his behaviour rubbing of onto your DD.

Original poster
user1491572121 · 29/04/2017 14:35

Yoda yes and I don't want to try inviting him again or telling him off.

Not my job.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/04/2017 14:37

OK, so thread over then Grin

NotYoda · 29/04/2017 14:38

sorry, YANBU, because you said so

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 14:50

If my dd, in ytr 5, told another adult their skin was a lumpy mess, I would be LIVID, she would be buying a bunch of flowers with her own money and going round to apologise. No wonder our schools are full of little bullies! No one thinks their kid can do any wrong! I'm astounded by those who don't think that kind of behaviour is rude!

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 14:53

Having said that, IF my dd wanted to be friends with such a child after they insulted mother I would be fine with it because she can make her own decisions. I don't think a child who comes out with such nasty stuff will have many friends for long, though.

NotYoda · 29/04/2017 14:53

Oh give over

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 15:02

????

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 15:08

Notyoda, if your child at nine years old came round to ours to lay and said "why are you such a spotty mess?" to my older dd who is fifteen who is on roaccutane for severe acne, would you expect her to laugh it off because your little darling is just so funny and filterless, or would you be mortified because she might have her self esteem destroyed again by absolute thoughtlessness, and have whatever confidence she'd built up to go out over the bank holiday shattered. Yes they're just kids but they have to learn that personal comments AREN'T ok or they turn into the type of people my dd has to deal with at school who call her names because of her skin and when reprimanded just say "well its true she is dead spotty!". You can't do that in the real world!!

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 15:09

Lay = play!

NotYoda · 29/04/2017 15:09

please RTFT and stop projecting all over the place.

babyinarms · 29/04/2017 15:15

My ds has aspergers and we've worked hard on this with him. He's very clued in now at 12 but at 9 may have had difficulty with this.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 29/04/2017 15:23

if your child at nine years old came round to ours to lay and said "why are you such a spotty mess?" to my older dd who is fifteen who is on roaccutane for severe acne, would you expect her to laugh it off because your little darling is just so funny and filterless, or would you be mortified because she might have her self esteem destroyed again by absolute thoughtlessness, and have whatever confidence she'd built up to go out over the bank holiday shattered

I'd expect you to tell DD politely that this is a rude thing to say and I'd definitely want you to tell DH or me, so we can have an indept discussion. But I'd also expect you (or the OP!) to understand that children are sometimes very filterless and that this isn't necessarily malicious or anything... Or maybe he does have behavioural issues. (my younger brother for example was often seen as rude and stand-offish. Not true, he simply couldn't deal with too much stimulus and got migraines when he tried. Even teachers used to complain about him, wondering with he didn't like certain activities etc...)

HOWEVER, the OP isn't a 15 yo teenager with apparently crippling insecurity. She simply thinks his behaviour is rude (which is her right and she isn't wrong about that) and is a bit annoyed by what seems (to me) like an observational but rude and careless remark. But a gentle word to the boy ("don't say that, it's rude and mean") or a quick word with the mother would be better imo...

Verbena37 · 29/04/2017 15:24

When in a situation with rude/oblivious children, I'd always start my next sentence with the word "Let's.....".

So "Let's be a bit kinder about other peoples' houses". Or "Let's not be unkind.....".

It always works and seems to be a less forthright approach, whilst allows the rude child to not be embarrassed.

Verbena37 · 29/04/2017 15:30

Haven't read whole thread but I also wondered about ASD.
My DS says things without realising....but fortunately only really to us at home. He would never say something outright to other people....although he tells me late reply he thought it!

Once, we had a little boy to play who told me "Verbena...this is the worst play date ever!"
I was like Shock!!

Chloe84 · 29/04/2017 15:33

Some kids are just shits. I would refuse to have him without any qualms.

babyinarms · 29/04/2017 15:47

I took my dds friend out for the day once. We went for walk, the playground, stopped for chips on the way back. I asked if she enjoyed herself, she said "No, not really, it was more like a school tour than a play date " Hmm! Little madam. She was about 6 at the time .

DirtyChaiLatte · 29/04/2017 16:00

Well OP I hope your daughter turns out to be a perfect little child, because God forbid she EVER does or says anything wrong that an adult might find offensive. She better not expect any second chances from them or a gentle lesson in manners as per your own attitude.

Right, I'm done with this thread of child bashing and intolerant attitudes.