Why do teachers favour certain kids so obviously?

[Zhan]

Just thinking back to when I was at school - primary especially and it was always the same kids that got a decent shot at stuff.

School plays it was always the same 3 kids that got the main parts every single year despite other kids (myself included) desperately wanting a go at being in the limelight. PE, again the same kids getting chosen as captains every single lesson. Music - the school had a limited number of decent instruments - guess who got the guitar/drums/keyboards EVERY lesson and guess who got the fucking triangle.

I know it's natural to have favourites but to make it so obvious and so unfair to the "less popular" kids who also want a shot at the good stuff???

Seems like not much had changed when my kids started school. The same kids getting the good parts in the plays, the same kids getting to play the decent instruments and the same kids getting chosen to "edit" the school mag. The same kids winning Easter competitions, the same kids winning "pupil of the month" etc etc ....

Who do they do it?

I feel quite bitter about my school experience and am disappointed to see that nothing has changed 20 years later.

Can any teachers shed any light?

Totally happens in our school. It actually seems to be favoured families. Even the parents (who I am friends with) find it a bit embarrassing. I guess it is because they are easy to teach, helpful children so probably quite natural to favour them. It does make awards ceremonies a bit of a bore though .

I can say in my DS class they have lollipop sticks.. For some time my DS was convinced he didn't have a lollypop stick... Thats because out of 30 odd children he isn't going to be the chosen one all the time.

Our school uses a mix - Vote by children school council, my DS got to be plant monitor because he was sat next to it, they have leaders which they have considered who would do well at it, They have maths helpers which the children put themselves forward and whoever was at required standard and wanted to could be one.

I like the mix.

Children of teachers and other school staff or their close relatives.
Children of PTA members.
Children of prominent local families

It doesn't take a superhuman teacher to use the register for doling out monitor roles and rewards fgs. It's more difficult to assign lead parts in plays to different children becuse they are not usually organised by specific class teachers, and it does take a particular talent.

When they're in primary the favouritism comes from teachers falling for parent lickery. In dd's primary the Virgin Mary etc and the winner of this that and the other was always the daughter of a "parent helper"
In secondary you see it less. Teachers do favour the kids who behave, don't bully, and don't disturb the class. I had a parent at yesterday's parent evening wanting to know why I "was always getting at" her dd. Simple, because the girl is a PITA and disturbs every single lesson.

I find it's similar with children's parties ( in exception anyway). My daughter has been invited to most so far and it's all the 'British' children who are there. No polish, no Indian. Despite probably half the class being non white. I hope that didn't sound racist, I didn't intend it to.

were they the ones invited or the ones who turned up?

Our parties have been veeeery white despite very mixed class, but we always invite the whole class.

The parents are probably giving them back handers. The parents arse lick the teachers. They could be teachers children. Ive witnessed this with my own eyes. They must think you're stupid.
I there was a meeting about the children going to Colhomendy and I didn't have a clue where to go
I remember one arse kisser whose child was always the star of the show. Said oh I'll show you were the meeting is. I know this school like the back of me hand. I'm dead well in with all the teachers. I'll be getting called brown nose. Erm she said it.
I just about seen the inside of the bloody school. I couldn't be doing with all that fannying and fussing about.

My DS has always been offered speaking parts in school plays, but refuses as he has ASD and anxiety. They've made him the stage manager instead. He changes the scenery and props and walks around backstage with a clipboard telling the other kids to be quiet and get ready to go on stage. He loves what he does and felt very important.

It was hard for me not to become "that parent" at first because I've always been into acting, semi professional before DS and a committed amateur now. But he assured me it's what he wants. I was projecting my own insecurities onto him as I rarely got any kind of lead part until my DM saw that the teacher favoured the kids of the parents who helped and volunteered herself - suddenly I had the lead roles!

DS is happy to fly under the radar a lot and he gets enough house points and the odd certificate to boost him where he needs it. Thankfully he doesn't want to put himself up for lead roles/school council etc. One year the homework was to do a piece of persuasive writing on why they should be on the school council. DS was horrified, "But Mum, what if my piece of writing is so good they put me on the council?!" I allowed that piece to be done without supervision and in a decidedly slapdash manner.

With 90 kids in his year there are one or two faces that remain centre stage, but they mostly do a great job of giving everyone a go. Nothing like my experience where the same pretty girls got the parts every year and me and my friends who were a little more homely were at the back with tea towels on our heads.

I come at this from the other angle and feel sorry for the kids who are chosen all the time. I have a lovely friend whose children are A* at everything - even things they have to work hard at. They put the time in and they do well. So they are always getting awards and main roles etc. But because of this I wonder how much it means to them - if you are given a certificate every week then how do you know when you really have done something really special? And it could make the transition to secondary school much harder when suddenly you're not the star of the show.

Like I say my friend is lovely and her children really are amazingly fantastic and well-behaved so I can see why the teachers want to reward them.

My son was picked for quite a few roles during primary, his teachers were all great, especially at including everyone fairly.
My daughter seems to have drawn the short straw with regards to teachers through her school life (same school) and has had a fair few of the bad ones.

Thing is, it follows into home life because her brother was this or was picked for that - she has it in her head that she's the 'rubbish at everything' sibling. Very exhausting having to undo all the confidence knocks that could have been prevented if these teachers would just give some time to the rest of the class rather than their 'safe pair of hands'

Yes OP I totally agree! My teachers have favourites and if my children's teachers try it there will be BIG trouble

A combination of favouritism, laziness and guaranteed results I believe.

School teams want to win so best athletes always selected, same with musicians.

School play needs to not be a shambles, kids that deliver picked each time, others are invisible.

My son is an amazing artist, he will always be selected for anything that needs designing, his artwork is always on display etc. Got to the stage where other classmates don't bother to compete. This is a shame, especially as Art is subjective. He finds it all a bit embarrassing tbh.

DD1 is chosen for nearly everything going, DD2 is not.

I'm not a teacher, staff member, I've done a bit of help for the PTA but that has no bearing on it (usually behind the scenes), and we are not a "Prominent family"

DD1 is a keen active participator, engaged, curious, ready to try anything, does the work, always gets on well and respects the teacher, has always been able to talk with adults, is loved by every teacher she has ever had - and yes she gets picked a lot because of this. She will always learn her lines (as well as everyone elses), give things her best shot, be enthusiastic etc - perhaps picking a child who leads and responds like this is a no brainer.

DD2 is in a constant pissed off state because she doesn't get picked for stuff. She is more likely to be distracted by her friends, and needing more managing that DD1 - more like a "normal" primary school child if you can say that. She gets a turn every now and then.

I'm a drop and run Mum - I've only spoken with DD1's teacher twice this school year, so no time for any arse licking!

I agree it's equally problematic for the "chosen" kids in schools where this goes on, like the kid in my previous post who was put into "gifted" maths when it became known who their father was despite being at best average at maths and having no interest in it and not wanting to miss other activities that interested them more (like reading time etc) for the extra gifted tuition (all of this is what the kid's own mother said about it, she went in and qustioned it!)

This isn't an unpleasant but true thread .I have boy/girl twins and they were in the same class in Juniors.Dd was always picked for everything,ds not.Dd is a very mentally mature physically very small girl who is bright,articulate,confident,very sporty,popular and athletic.Ds was very quiet,lacked confidence,undiagnosed dyslexic and considered not sporty at the time.You can sort of see the reasons why.Two years on and the tide is starting to turn as ds grows taller and physically and mentally matures.Ds represents our county at athletics and is chatty and popular.Give it time and your children lots of new experiences and they will find their niche and flourish.

I also remember as a young child really loathing the 3 chosen ones (daughters of the 3 head alpha mums). They might have been nice enough kids but the favouritism did pitch them against the rest of us in a way

We see it in my childs school, there is a child that goes around hitting everyone, he seems to be getting away with it all the time, and he lies, the teachers seem to think they can catch him out when hes lying but I think they are wrong!

I hear about this problem a lot on MN but I've never seen it in RL.

It didn't happen at any of the three schools I attended. It doesn't happen at either of the two schools my DC have attended.

My DS is the kind of child this thread implies should have been favoured. He's top of his class, athletic, musical, charming, good looking, popular with the kids and teachers, extremely confident and always willing to volunteer.

He hasn't been on stage any more than anyone else. He hasn't had a leading role in any of the school productions.

The children who have been leads aren't the PTA committee's children either.

And the PTA are just a very nice group of women who work hard to raise funds for the school. Not a scary Queen Bee type among them. all quite happy to chat to whoever.

What's the difference? Why haven't we ever experienced these issues?

What's the difference? Why haven't we ever experienced these issues?
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shrug coz statistics work that way! we've used 3 schools, didn't happen in 2, did in 1. Some will be unlucky and use 3 schools that all do it, others will have a straight run of 3 and not experience it

Teachers afraid of the child's parents.
I have had said to me by a young female teacher "Please withdraw your complaint. His father knows where I live."

my child is too young for school yet but I do remember my school days. In my school the teachers had their favourites who got to take part in every play and contests. I approached them for a part too and was fobbed off on the grounds that I dont have any experience. On my mum's encouragement I went directly to the principal (think head teacher in uk) and gave him a speech on how that it was unfair that other kids are not getting a chance and how will they ever have an experience if they are not allowed to participate. He was amused and then told the teacher to include me. She was pissed but did as she was told. Then it turned out that I was the one who was given most of the responsibilities after wards. Although that came at the cost of earning the animosity of that teacher through out the rest of the years but I didnt care much about that because by that time I had become the favourite of other teachers. So yeah kids need to learn to be proactive too.

In our school they did chose one class representative who was appointed by the teachers which used to be the most academically advance kid in the class but within the class they had class monitors which used to be rotated every week so every child got a chance.

My dcs' school doesn't do this. When they have events with performers, anyone who wants to gets a turn. The results are... mixed. But the atmosphere is good and there are lots of parents who will smile and clap and support all the kids having a go (not just their own).

I don't know why this is but I am grateful for it. I think we all have a tendency to indulge our various prejudices and so on but you can question yourself on them; and teachers have an absolute duty to.

Posts like this really wind me up. Teachers are too busy to worry about having favourites and they don't deliberately leave pupils out to be mean! They pick the pupils who are most suitable for the event. There is no point picking a disastrously poor footballer just because they want to have a go for a competition. It's not fair to the rest of the team or the good footballers who get left out. And it is usually always sport competitions that people complain about. If the primary school is fairly small then it probably is likely going to be the same year 5/6 pupils going to lots of events. People wouldn't expect you to take poor spellers to a spelling competition. Why is it any different with sport? As with plays etc the teacher needs to choose pupils who they know will speak up, learn the words and not let the rest of the class down. There are so many pressures on teachers and their time is so limited that they need to make sensible choices.

I've challenged the choices with the head teacher a few times and been told that it's all done fairly and at teachers discretion according on abilities.
DD doesn't care anymore, I don't care anymore, she has a month left at primary. The kick in the teeth this year was when her report card came home and the 'chosen childs' name was still in some of the subject columns. Obviously a copy/paste slip up but if the teacher can't be bothered doing their job properly then why should the children?