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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DDs secondary school over 'fuck boy'.

573 replies

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 23:34

Just that! For those who don't know, girls now call sexually aggressive/promiscuous boys 'fuck boy'. My daughter has no interest in lads and is only bothered about her GCSEs (very studious but outgoing kid). Today a lad in her year placed his index and middle finger to his face and wriggled his tongue between them (classy) towards my daughter. She told him, 'get out of my face fuck boy' which has resulted in her being punished via a detention. For background she is less than 5 foot in yr 10 and he is well over 6 foot and obviously trains (shithouse wall). Apparently, reason DD was punished was because she was being aggressive 😂

OP posts:
Bestthingever · 28/04/2017 17:43

I don't like the language your dd used but if she were mine, I'd be proud she stood up for herself. I'd also be raising hell about that boy getting away with such disgusting and intimidating behaviour.
I'm also not surprised but dismayed that a year 10 can be described as 'sexually promiscuous'. He's barely 15 fgs.

50shadesofknackered · 28/04/2017 17:45

It may well be a phase for some boys but that doesn't mean any female has to put up with any male attention she isn't comfortable with at any level. Good on your daughter for standing up for herself. Why should she sit quietly and demurely, turning the other check like a good little girl. What he did is not ok! It's disgusting, offensive and intimidating! He should be punished but I doubt he will be. This thread has highlighted how many apologists for this kind of behaviour there still are. It's saddening imo that people think that a young girl using bad language to defend herself is on a par with this dickheads behaviour. Tell your daughter to hold Dr head high when she does her detention, it's one she 'won' while she was defending herself! Good for her!

50shadesofknackered · 28/04/2017 17:46

Obviously hold her head high. I don't know who the Dr is Blush

Madhairday · 28/04/2017 17:47

Agree completely, 50shades.

summerbreezer · 28/04/2017 17:50

OP, I have read most, but not all of the thread. There are two issues here - should your daughter have stood up for herself (yes)

  • was the way that she stood up for herself appropriate (no, as she got detention).

As I have said on here before, I am a criminal barrister. I meet many people who get into trouble because of the way that they react to the behaviour of others.

An extreme example - I am currently advising on a case where a woman has murdered her rapist. It is just awful on every level. He will get 12 years for rape - but she will get life for his murder. Is that justice? Who knows - but is the way the world works.

You need to teach your daughter that standing up for herself in those situations is extremely important.

But just s important is the way that she does it - she must act in accordance with the law (in the outside world) or the rules (in school).

Praise your daughter for asserting herself - but please teach her to a find different method to do so.

fakenamefornow · 28/04/2017 17:55

He will get 12 years for rape - but she will get life for his murder.

?

summerbreezer · 28/04/2017 17:57

Obviously that is a typo and I meant would have. Thought about correcting it but assumed that it was obvious.

Elendon · 28/04/2017 17:57

How will he get 12 years for rape if he's murdered?

Elendon · 28/04/2017 17:58

Big assumption also on her murdering her rapist. She is innocent until proved guilty.

Elendon · 28/04/2017 18:00

Year 10 means they are preparing for GCSEs. Next year, they will decide which sixth form centre to go to. The year after that, university choices are being made.

limitedperiodonly · 28/04/2017 18:04

Just wow @ jokey comment after I've said I've been sexually assaulted and left injured and needing counseling.

It was not a jokey comment GahBuggerit. That's a very unpleasant thing to say. I wonder if you've reported it. We'll see.

It was a serious comment. I sympathise with your experience and if someone came along and said they'd had a worse experience than you implied that because of that you had no right to complain, I wouldn't think that was all right. I would tell them to stop playing Top Trumps because the issue is far too important than that.

Do you think what the boy did - 'licky-licky' - was wrong?

Kaybush · 28/04/2017 18:08

I haven't read all of this thread, so this may have been said already, but it's actually about time (it's only been 2000 or so years!) that men are finally being given an appropriately derogatory label for sleeping around, of the kind women have had to endure for so long.

I was quite proud of my 13 yr DS the other day when, after I'd been praising Leonardo di Caprio for his acting and raising of environmental awareness, he responded "But he's just a fuck boy, Mum".

For all Leonardo di Caprio has achieved in life, my son reduced him to just the sum of his sexual history. How the worm is turning!

RB68 · 28/04/2017 18:09

Its only an assumption if she is not pleading guilty - sounds to me like she is not denying it.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2017 18:09

If she killed her rapist while trying to defend herself I presume that wasn't murder.

When girls say "no" nicely they aren't listened to. It happens all the time.
Oh she was giving mixed messages.

Praise your daughter for asserting herself - but please teach her to a find different method to do so.
What would you suggest she should have done that would give him the message that she really, truly didn't secretly fancy him and think he was wonderful and want him to do that to her?

grannytomine · 28/04/2017 18:09

Big assumption also on her murdering her rapist. She is innocent until proved guilty. So is he and as he is dead that isn't likely to happen.

limitedperiodonly · 28/04/2017 18:11

But ftr, yes, being actually sexually assaulted does fucking trump a boy making a gesture

Of course it does, GahBuggerit. But do you think a boy making that licky-licky gesture to a girl who has not invited it is wrong?

CrazedZombie · 28/04/2017 18:11

It's funny how many people have focused on her use of the term "fuck boi". I will concede that he is more "fucking perverted boy" or "fucking disgusting boy" than a male version of a slut. If you can calmly respond to a physically bigger man aggressively making that gesture then good for you but most people would swear because they're pissed off or shocked. Would a teacher accept a male pupil doing that to them?

GahBuggerit · 28/04/2017 18:14

No I haven't reported it. I think it should absolutely stay up.

And you misunderstand - I said to call this assault is distasteful, not that the DD shouldn't complain about the harassment. 100% she should to ensure he is punished too. And, again, I've already said him making the cunnilingus gesture was wrong.

CharlieSierra · 28/04/2017 18:15

The number of people on this thread equating her behaviour with his is truly shocking. This attitude is why women are still being told how to avoid being raped by being modest and not wearing short skirts and why the conviction rate for sexual violence is so low.

This boy is sexually harassing at 15 years old. He needed to know how utterly unacceptable his behaviour was and that you cannot expect someone to politely tell you to go away when you sexually harass them. She responded appropriately in the moment, maintaining her boundaries as is her right. There may well be school rules about language but I doubt they were devised with the threat of sexual harassment in mind.

GahBuggerit · 28/04/2017 18:16

Oh I see you've just agreed/changed your mind, x post

Elendon · 28/04/2017 18:17

granny I'm presuming he's a convicted rapist and she has been accused of murdering him.

If it was that she was attacked and defended herself so well he was killed, it would not be murder but manslaughter.

CharlieSierra · 28/04/2017 18:17

When girls say "no" nicely they aren't listened to. It happens all the time
Oh she was giving mixed messages

This! Polite doesn't cut it, it leads to a defence.

summerbreezer · 28/04/2017 18:18

If she killed her rapist while trying to defend herself I presume that wasn't murder.

Where did I that she was defending herself? I don't want to derail the thread and for obvious reasons I am not going to give lots of details about this case. Suffice to say both parties are guilty in law of the offence they were charged with.

What would you suggest she should have done that would give him the message that she really, truly didn't secretly fancy him and think he was wonderful and want him to do that to her?

Told him he was stupid and pathetic then gone to the teacher and insist that he is punished or she will contact the police and report an offence under section 5 Public Order Act is a good start.

Are we saying that the only way to respond to these things is to call someone a "fuck boy"? That there is literally no other response that would have been open to her?

Elendon · 28/04/2017 18:19

I'm quite sure that at 15 he already knows his behaviour is sexually aggressive. He got off with it though, and will do it again.

Elendon · 28/04/2017 18:21

Summer - it was an immediate defensive response. No time to think. He did a sexually aggressive gesture, she replied in shock.