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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FUMING about this man's comments on my lunch at the supermarket!

650 replies

LunchRant · 27/04/2017 14:00

Working from home today. Extremely stressed as I'm really behind on deadlines for things. Decided to pop out for some fresh air and lunch. Went to the big Tesco near me and was browsing the lunch aisle (meal deal sandwiches etc) when a guy just walks by and tuts. Then he says "That's fattening. Definitely fattening."

I have definitely went up a size recently due to not having time to do my usual exercise routine, crappy sleep, and snacking for energy while i'm up at midnight typing/working. But the madness will end by the end of May and I can focus on losing weight again. Not my priority right now.

So i immediately got angry. Told him that he'd best stay away from it then (It was a hummus, falafel wrap btw). He giggled. Still didn't budge. He said something like he's been losing the same battle with his stomach for years. But his wife is still as thin as the day they got married. Then advised me to "stay away from all that. Fresh air is all that you need."

I asked if that's all his wife ate, fresh air. And i asked him to come over and tell me what i should be eating then. I was quite arsey. "Come on. since you've got such an opinion on what i should eat. Come and choose for me."

Another woman who had recently appeared in the aisle said i should calm down. Clearly the man was just trying to make conversation. I told her he should have said hello then and commented on the rain like a normal person. Not comment on my calorie intake.

Then the man starts acting like a victim. "now, now, that's not what i meant. Just being friendly." Tesco employee emerges, just walking by, and the woman informs him that I'm harassing an elderly gentleman.

The employee looked a bit awkward. Asked if everything was okay. I just grumbled 'fuck this'. Put down the bottle of water i was holding, swapped it for a full fat bottle of irn bru and also got a packet of crisps. Childishly said a big 'Yum'. Then told the man "you should be ashamed of yourself." then went and paid.

15 minute walk home and I'm still reeling!

Yes i over reacted. Yes i am half a stone overweight in terms of BMI. Yes i'm still stuffing myself into size 12 clothes when i'm now a 14. And yes, i'm touchy about it.

But i am so pissed off that someone feels it's their right to comment on what someone else eats (especially when he was clearly overweight himself!)

And i'm also pissed off that the woman just passed it off as 'friendly chatter'.

I now don't think i can go back there for a few weeks as I'm so embarrassed. Can't even stomach eating this lunch now as i'm actually feeling guilty about eating something so 'fattening'. Arsehole.

Also can't find the motivation to continue with this work. An hour til DD finishes school. Was hoping i'd make some progress today. Nope!

OP posts:
floraeasy · 27/04/2017 15:18

I just wouldn't let a complete stranger have my time and emotions when I just popped out for some lunch. I certainly wouldn't let him indirectly choose my lunch for me Shock (unless you really wanted that Irn Bru, crisps and Yum, of course).

Take your power back, OP!

cjt110 · 27/04/2017 15:19

3 words.... what a cunt.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/04/2017 15:19

Disappointed that so many on here are making excuses for a man being an arse. He wouldn't have said it to a bloke.

popcornpaws · 27/04/2017 15:19

You did right, fuck all this he was only making conversation shite!

Some woman play down this sort of behaviour as i can only assume they have been brought up to accept that mens opinions on their personal appearance matter.

I had a customer that ended the transaction by saying "give me one of your lovely smiles then"… seriously? and yet, when i asked him if he would say that to a male member of staff he got embarrassed and said i just like your smile.
Fuck off, I'm not here to make you feel good, i was fucking raging and was amazed at the amount of colleagues that thought that was an okay thing to say!

GingerWh1nger · 27/04/2017 15:20

I wish I'd have reacted like the OP's response when this last happened to me in a coffee shop - the barista took it upon himself to berate me for not choosing skinny milk in my coffee. There is no way he would have done it to the six foot bloke with the beer belly behind me; totally unacceptable for strangers to make these comments and police other people's food!

I have bad social anxiety as it is - I said nothing but went home and cried Blush

cjt110 · 27/04/2017 15:20

I dont even think its a sex thing - I would think exactly the same of a woman saying it to another woman.

amicissimma · 27/04/2017 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floraeasy · 27/04/2017 15:24

You've also said it's stopped you working this afternoon, OP!

I'm afraid you must think a lot of this guy's opinion to let it affect you so much. Imagine if you met someone like that every day - would you really never work again?

Just treat it as the ramblings of some nut. Which is most likely was.

He ain't worrffff it!!!

ExConstance · 27/04/2017 15:26

Loss of inhibition and saying inappropriate things is one of the first signs of dementia. In these circumstances I'd always nod and make a mild comment before moving on, getting into a confrontation with an elderly gentleman is not a good idea.

Stormtreader · 27/04/2017 15:26

To the people saying it was a "joking comment", where exactly was the joke?
Is it that he felt entitled to try and shame a complete stranger out of her food choice?

KingLooieCatz · 27/04/2017 15:28

What a wind-up merchant, well versed in subtle goading then standing back looking shocked that anyone took offence. Thank your lucky stars you never have to deal with him again and enjoy the rest of your day.

Bit raging for you. I wouldn't have come up with a smart response but would have felt the need to respond. If he wanted to politely make conversation he could so easily have said "That looks nice." But no, he went for judgmental, rude and completely uncalled for, there's no getting away from it, which he then aggravated by bringing in the size of his wife and her diet. Designed to make you uncomfortable with your choice.

FWIW, On the odd occasion I feel tempted to judge food choices, e.g. overweight parents taking overweight children to Maccie D's, I have a word with myself - I have no idea what is going on in their lives and how I would cope in their shoes.

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 15:29

I did not hear the conversation but it does sound like you overreacted.

The other shopper who overheard and defended the man seems to think you WBU too.

He may have commented inappropriately, but he did say he didn't mean to offend you and was just trying to make conversation.

amusedbush · 27/04/2017 15:30

He was rude, but if you'd just smiled and nodded then it would have been over in seconds

Yes, and he would have left the shop feeling that he has the right to comment on the food choices of strangers.

I don't think you overreacted, OP. I would have flipped my shit at this rude, patronising, misogynistic prick. Who the fuck does he think he is to comment on what you're eating? He wouldn't have batted an eye if you were a man.

livefornaps · 27/04/2017 15:31

What did the man expect her reaction to be, exactly?! Smile and nod?! Oh yeah, you're right?! What could a comment like that possibly be aiming to provoke as a reaction?! A laugh? Come on, whether consciously or not this guy wanted to assert control/shame her. So frustrating when people bat it away like a generational thing. Probably in his mind it was "a friendly chat" because he's spent all his years making condescending and twattish comments to women because he knows no other way to talk to them. And he knows you wouldn't tell him to fuck off because we've all been conditioned to smile, not take up too much space and basically let these misogynist twats get away with it!!!! He drew comparison with his own wife to make you feel ashamed, all while thinking this was just chit-chat because he knows no better because all the women in his life have let him. Oh, and when one finally has the gumption to stand up to his bullshit, we all reach for that convenient trope: hysterical woman!!! And put her right back in her place

These types of attitudes are pervasive and infantalizing and they hold ALL of us back. The only way to reverse them is to do what's not expected : make noise, take up space!

What we shouldn't be doing is nit picking over op's reaction with comments like "you're just sensitive cos you've put on weight" BULLSHIT - men just need to stop these comments full stop!!!

PossumInAPearTree · 27/04/2017 15:31

Were you scrutinising the calorie info when he said it? I can see how some tactless people would make a joke/conversation with a comment like that.

I'm overweight but I genuinely think I would have laughed and said something like "the best stuff always is" and then not given it a second thought

bananacake1 · 27/04/2017 15:33

I am much bigger than the OP, and about as sensitive about it as possible, but i would not react that way to an old man.
The other woman, who saw both of you, got it right, i think.

I feel really sorry fro the old man. He'll be scared to speak to the next person. I think you should be ashamed of yourself rather than looking for other people to help you justify your behaviour.

Hesdeadjim · 27/04/2017 15:34

Can I also just say this:

There will be people in the world who look at you with your extra half a stone and think "god she's proper overweight, what was she thinking??"

But I'll bet my very fat arse that there's thousands more like me who will look at you and think "fuck she's lucky to be that slim, I wish I was her".

You evidently have a problem with your weight and it's on you to work on changing that, but dont for one second think that everyone else looks at your body the same way you do :)

Sugarcoma · 27/04/2017 15:34

YANBU the guy was an arse. But don't let him win - go back to that Tesco asap and buy whatever you want!

Chavelita · 27/04/2017 15:35

Frankly, women do way too much 'smiling and nodding' and deciding not to react to the kind of rudeness and entitlement no man would perpetrate towards another man.

SandyDenny · 27/04/2017 15:36

Today's a day when I'm sure I live in a different world to most of the posters on here.

Person with rubbish social skills makes a stupid comment in the supermarket and you're all getting so het up about it.

Rudeness isn't excusable of course but it happens everyday,

Do you seriously think the man had a conscious thought process about your weight and thought he'd be rude to you? He doesn't know you've put on weight, he probably didn't even register what size you are

I know more than one elderly man who without a nasty bone in their bodies who would make that type of comments without realising at all that it might offend the person they are speaking to, it's clumsy and old fashioned but most likely not personal to you.

Tbh I think you've totally over-reacted

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/04/2017 15:37

A falafel wrap doesn't sound fattening anyway!

But no you were not BU, he might have been 'trying to be polite' but he failed, he made you feel humiliated and embarrassed and that is not ok. He should be made to think about his choice of words.

As pp have said, it's just so sexist to talk about weight and compare you to his wife as a 'slimmer' woman because that's such a feminine objective. Urgh.

kaitlinktm · 27/04/2017 15:37

He was rude - being elderly doesn't excuse it. If you had said nothing or just nodded and smiled, he would have continued thinking it was an OK thing to say. With any luck he will think twice about using the same conversation opener again.

It is an age thing - I'm in my 60s and it is something from my parents' and their parents' generation. My parents know that it is not polite to comment on other people's size or food choices, even if they know them - and they are in their 80s.

BorpBorpBorp · 27/04/2017 15:38

If the OP's reaction means the guy thinks twice about commenting on how fattening sandwiches are the next time he sees a stranger buying one in a supermarket, that's a good thing not a bad thing.

LaundryQueenHatesBunfights · 27/04/2017 15:39

100% what livefornaps said. I can't believe the OP is getting such a hard time. I can't stand this 'just smile and nod' mentality. Whether it's people criticising your parenting choices or men making comments to a woman telling them to smile or commenting on their lunch, comments that they would never make to a man.

LaundryQueenHatesBunfights · 27/04/2017 15:40

Sorry posted too soon.

Good for you OP for sticking up for yourself.