to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

When you say she's never been 'out' alone, do you mean she's never been to places like McDonald's or has she never been to the park or ridden her bike down the street?

I think she probably does need a bit more freedom.

By secondary school age it is expected that children can get themselves to and from school, even if that includes buses/trains/a long walk/a busy road. It is also 'normal' for them to able to socialise independently with their friends, so going to the cinema, park, friends houses etc.

You need to get from not able to go to the toilet by herself/cross a carpark or small road to that in the next 18 months.

Start now with baby steps, it's much easier for you and safer for her than keeping her a baby until she starts secondary school and then suddenly dealing with the issue of independence.

Once she is independent enough to go out on her own I would get her a basic mobile phone for your own peace of mind. Don't worry about an iphone or a tablet.

You're fine on the make-up front. That's a personal preference not a sign of maturity or independence

DD is ten and in Y5. She would hate to be left alone at home (I have asked if I could pop two minutes down the road for a pint of milk, coming straight back, and she is not up for it). She has an old phone of mine with a PAYG sim card for playing Pokemon Go but is pretty sensible and doesn't obsess about it. She has a Kindle Fire but mainly uses it to read books. She would not like to go swimming without a parent or other responsible adult there or to McD's and has no interest in make up apart from for Stagecoach shows or dressing up as a witch etc. I do let her go to the loo alone in a restaurant. I don't think your child is unusual - apart from the phone which is unusual in my child's peer group we know few ten year olds who are ready for independence.

I don't think your daughter is at all behind socially, unless she is having problems with social interactions which doesn't sound like it is the case. Those who have said or implied this is the case are maybe a bit nuts.

I would honestly be worried about an otherwise neurotypical 10yo who couldn't cross a car park by themselves. You are leaving her utterly unprepared for the realities of secondary school and doing her a real and potentially harmful disservice.

To answer the initial question, my young in his year, y6 11yo walks himself to and from school three times a week, stays home by himself for up to an hour on certain irregular occasions, and for 30-35 minutes on a regular once a week issue. He walks to the shop 10mins away for milk and bread purchasing & paying by himself and walks back, crossing a busy main road at a fully lighted zebra crossing. He can make scrambled eggs and beans on toast basic meals completely by himself and cooks all sorts of other more complicated recipes with some help. He has a set of house keys and can enter and leave whilst setting/unsetting the alarm. He has an old Sony smart phone on calls& txts only, no data. He is also allowed into town with friends for periods of up to 2hrs but rarely actually goes, tending to go to the local park instead (5mins walk, 2 side roads to cross). He knows my mobile number off by heart and knows exactly which of our nearby neighbours and adult friends he can go to in an emergency.

He is also a scout and has done many nights away from home with varying levels of supervision, and has done two night hikes in the dark accompanied by other scouts but no leaders - they check in at marshal points along the way but have to find their own route between the points using only traditional compass & maps.

We've built up to this point over approx 18 months since the start of year 5 and never go faster than he is happy with.

DD is 6 (just)

She goes to the toilet alone in a public place if I am tied up with her younger siblings.

She and her 4yo sister are allowed to scoot around a campsite with a close eye kept from the caravan but not always in line of sight the whole time.

She walks to the campsite shop (5mins) straight there and back on holiday to buy choc croissants.

Obviously no phone and I am planning on secondary school age for this.

We live very rurally and she has a fairly traditional upbringing. Very minimal exposure to screens - no apps/iPad and very occasional TV. She is aware of stranger danger.

At 10yo I would anticipate.

• letting her off alone on her bike with check ins every hour say
• letting her off with friends in a public place if I was close by - say a shopping centre/mac Donald's but I would be within 10mins walk.
• chores such as ironing/baking/hoovering - only with adult in house
• being left home alone for short periods of time

Yes agree you need to prepare her for the upcoming change quite a bit more. You'll have the teething issues and need to take it in small steps so I would definitely start now.

I think your DD may not want these things, why venture out of her comfort zone, but its your job as a parent to push her forward.

Once she's at secondary school opportunities will present themselves and if she is the most naive and 'unprepared' she could firstly be an easy target for all sorts but also find herself in trouble for not really having any understanding of the situation she finds herself in.

You need to push her out of her comfort zone into new situations so she can grow up over a period of time not have to rapidly grow up because she finds herself in a situation she is totally unfamiliar with. Help her learn to look after herself.

Learning online safety is now part of that. Why not get her a tablet and start off with lots of control and get her to use it in a safe way with you involved instead of her getting to the point where she needs a phone and finding she has all this access and freedom and behaving in a risky way.

My DC are older Op but at 10yo they had certainly changed alone at the pool you have to at our pool once you are 8yo.

They had also crossed roads (to get to school) and been home alone, eg while I walked a younger one to Beavers.

I think it might be time to allow a bit of freedom - walk to the postbox or local shop, be at nearby park with friends for 30 mins etc. Baby steps...

My 9 year old has just started walking to the corner shop on her own (approx 10 mins there and back, crossing 2 v quiet residential streets). She always goes to the toilet alone in cafes/restaurants etc and in the supermarket I'll often send her off to get me something and say 'meet me by the milk' etc. I think little gradual steps towards independence are important at this age, soon enough they will be at secondary school. So yes, it sounds like maybe you need to start encouraging a bit of independence!

BTW the makeup thing is a ted herring IMO;. dd wears none and she is 16 this summer

Surely it massively depends on geography?
We live in a rural village. For DS (11) to go swimming alone would require him to walk 3/4 mile to bus stop. And then catch 2 different buses to swimming pool. Which would take him best part of 2 hours.
No kids in our village go swimming alone.
But scoot up to park in the village- yep, since they were 8. Go to the local shop alone- yes all the time. Go into 'town' including mcDonalds etc- see swimming comment.
DS does not yet have a phone. He will when he starts secondary in September.

Surely it massively depends on geography?
We live in a rural village. For DS (11) to go swimming alone would require him to walk 3/4 mile to bus stop. And then catch 2 different buses to swimming pool. Which would take him best part of 2 hours. No kids in our village go swimming alone But they could, same with town. Geography doesn't have to be prohibitive. You can drop kids off at swimming or town and they are still going alone. I drop my 16yo off most weekends

If she's happy, then YANBU.

But do have a think about how she is going to cope in 2 short years when she goes to secondary.

At 10, ds was cycling to school on his own l (but not home as there was a right turn we weren't comfortable with). He started cycling to and from school shortly before his 11th birthday (beginning of P7, last year of primary).

He was walking to school on his own from age 8 (iirc), but went to our of school club afterwards. I did follow him secretly the first few times though! About a 10 minute brisk walk, with a lollipop man for the one significant crossing.

He got a semi Smart phone got his 10th birthday - a 2nd hand one from his aunt (with our approval). He was on PAYG, so initially only used it for calls & texts (so it was really for our benefit ). He got his first proper smartphone when he was 12.

He didn't go on to Facebook until he was nearly 12 (towards the end of S1) although we'd said he could when he went to secondary. Rule was that I set up his account and knew his password. He's now 16 so I no longer know it! He's only recently gone on to a contract (only £7.50/month), so he's used to using wifi when available rather than using mobile data.

It's best to develop freedom incrementally: his first "solo" excursions were when he was 4, to the post box around the corner (across a wide, quiet, straight road and then round the corner: 5 minutes maximum except the first time when he inspected every single stone on the walls on the way there and back) while I watched anxiously from the window.

We built from there. A wee trip to the park on his own with a friend. A trip to the local shops. Being left for half an hour. Being left for an hour while we went to Homebase which he hated with a passion

But you need to do what you and your dd feel comfortable with.

Well, you have asked mn.

Usually the majority of the posters will tell you that their ten year old has arranged and gone on a ski trip by themselves, walks 20 miles daily through dangerous inner city areas, at night, to fetch milk, and have gone on a day trip to Amsterdam with their friends.

Ok, slight exaggeration.

Just do it the way you are comfortable with. My parents were 'strict' and I didn't really do anything much by myself until I was 18.

University sorted that right out there's nothing I can't do now that my peers can.

I'm actually grateful to them. A lot of my friends parents were extremely relaxed and some not very nice things happened to two of my closest friends.

That's not victim blaming, just pointing out the fact that it was a hell of a lot less likely it would have happened to me at that age.

My 10 year old DS walks to and from school alone, goes to the park after school with friends and walks to local friends houses. I've left him for a couple of hours alone at home in the day. I haven't yet got him a phone as I feel he is all round safer without one. All his friends have one and he always calls me from his mates phone to tell me where he is and we agree a time he'll be home by. So far I feel like it's giving him worldly confidence and Is building trust and communication between us.

I have a 9.5 year old. None of his classmates are at the meeting up 'outside' stage. Yes very much still arranged playing at each other's houses.

We're going to try out walking to school himself soon. He's quite a dreamer so I haven't let him walk before as I wasn't sure he'd be safe or make it to school on time!

He does go swimming without me - but his older (12 y old) brother is with him, plus the pool is literally at the bottom of our street.

My oldest DS was out and about and more independent at the same age but my youngest is a little homebody. Different parenting styles for my very different boys.

I'd definitely encourage some independence with your DD but don't see the hurry for tech, or makeup etc.

Wow! There are some very cross people on here today! I read the post as a genuine curiosity and nothing more! I have a ten year old who is really into makeup and has a phone and is on a WhatsApp group with her school friends and she plays out in the street with her friends and is in scouts, etc and an outgoing person generally BUT she hates being left in the house alone for more than about 15 minutes, and i wouldn't let her go to McDonald's with her friends at this age, not because she/i are 'prim' but because the people at the one near us are always rough. Also, I'm always wary of her wandering too far because i cant get little Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman out of my head, even now. Ten is not grown up and although i encourage my daughter to take risks, they have to be calculated.

YANBU.

Dd is 10. She walks v short distances alone, gets left at home with older sibling while I go to the shops, and has an iPod which she mainly uses for games, but wouldn't go out alone with friends yet. Plenty of time for all that. She is only in y5.

I agree with ILoveDolly. Your Dd will let you know when she wants more freedom. If you're both happy then i see no reason not to carry on as you are and see where you are in 6 months or a year. You can always start setting her little tasks like taking the trolley back at the supermarket to build her confidence (and yours )

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places blush

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

I have a very nearly 10 year old.He goes to the various local shops by himself which are a five/ten minute walk one way depending on which one he goes to.
He rides his bike along the back street but not the main street.
No WAY would I be leaving him home alone whilst I took his elder sibling to a class.
Just like I wouldn't have when his elder sibling was 10 - FAR too young to be left home alone! They're still at primary at that age.
You start releasing when they become teenagers - eldest now 14 and always out on on a bike ride miles away, or wanting to stay out with friends until 9pm on a school night.
I hate it, but know I have to let him out!

Bold quote fail, sorry!

My daughter is 11 and she has makeup but only for playing dress up.
She did eventually after 4 years of pressuring me, get an iPhone for her birthday, but that's only because she's going to secondary school soon.

At 10 my daughter was allowed to go out on her bike with her friends to the park or the field nearby where they'd do handstands etc.

She wouldn't have been out in Maccy ds with makeup on at 10!.

I think you should allow your daughter to perhaps go out to play nearby, if you live In a safe area. I don't think you should get her a phone until she's pestered you for at least a year and as she hasn't asked then there's no need. My daughters is mainly for apps and facetiming her friends.

My 10 year old DS is allowed to walk home from school alone or with friends, allowed out to play, allowed his own phone and did have a tablet but he broke it. Of course I keep an eye on online activities, but mostly it is about conversations about online safety and spot checks!

I think you are babying your child too much! So stop being smug about how much control you have and start being smug about how much freedom you allow them. It is much healthier!

I still walk my nearly 10 year old DS to school and back every day. I'm
also acutely aware he'll be getting himself to high school at the end of next year so know I need to prepare him for this - so he now goes to local shops within a 5 and 10 minute walk one way by himself.

Oh, and he does NOT have a phone! Why on earth does a 10 year old need a phone?! That's utterly ridiculous. Why does a 10 year old primary age child need a phone?!

Why on earth does a 10 year old need a phone? They don't need a phone but it's no fun not having a phone if all your friends are playing Pokemon Go and you can't join in. It's also a great way for their overly anxious parent to GPS track them when starting to cut the apron strings.

They don't need a phone but a phone is like a small tablet, you can get learning apps and gps track them, They can also message their friends which is fun and it keeps them occupied on long car journeys.

I'm 30 and I got my first phone at 12, and that was 18 years ago.