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AIBU?

to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

393 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:07

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

OP posts:

Report

KERALA1 · 27/04/2017 16:32

Surprised at the posts about rural kids not going out. I grew up in a village lots of happy memories playing in fields / rivers with pals unaccompanied from 8 onwards - I seem to have survived the experience

waterrat · 27/04/2017 17:31

If a child is driven to secondary school they are being denied the chance to grow and develop and meet normal risks and everyday situations.

I was mugged on my way home from school in london once it didn't scar me for life...just part of life !

TheRealPooTroll · 27/04/2017 17:33

And what about going to the shops? If she 'doesn't want to' by age 10 then it's time for you to be encouraging her. Let her go in by herself while you wait outside at first, then let her walk a little ahead of you then eventually go on her own. If you you send a child to high school who can't do something as basic as cross a road (who doesn't have special needs that prevent them from learning) you are failing them as a parent imo.
It might be more difficult for some parents to give their children freedom due to where they live for eg but it is up to you to find ways and opportunities for this. It's not fair or in the childs best interest to just wait until they are teens and throw them in at the deep end.

Mollieben · 27/04/2017 17:49

My 10 year old has a phone and Xbox live. He walks home from school alone but doesn't have a key - I'm always there waiting for him! I leave him for short times - when i pick his brother up from clubs or pop to the shop. He sometimes goes over to the skate park opposite our house alone or to meet a friend. All this only started happening since he went into year 6 - thought i should start giving him abit of freedom before starting 'big school'

TreeTop7 · 27/04/2017 18:07

Maybe try to encourage a bit of independence over the summer holidays and throughout year 6, OP. Get her prepared for secondary.

I'm not keen on make up on 10y olds either.

My kids didn't go out on bikes until they'd taken their proficiency thing.

It'll all work out fine.

surreygoldfish · 27/04/2017 18:10

DD is nearly 10 so year 5. Has iPad but no phone and won't until secondary. She would love one but doesn't need one! Most of her friends don't have one yet. Has lots of friends - i don't think any of them go anywhere on their own. She's happy to go off to activities on her own. She doesn't however like being left in the house on her own - so we don't do it. She'll need to go on the train to senior school but that's 15 months away and IME they change a lot during that period.

bonbonours · 27/04/2017 18:23

Year 5 round here is the time when a majority of kids started walking to school on their own. My 10 year old is year 6 and walks short distances on her own, has a phone but mostly just for emergencies. She also stays at home alone for up to an hour ocassionally. She sometimes goes to the park with a friend for an hour. She has been on a 20 minute train journey a couple of times but always with me putting her on the train and grandma meeting her at the other end.

Our swimming pool allows unaccompanied children to swim over the age of 8 but I wouldn't let mine as they are not super confident swimmers. I know lots of people who do though.

I'd say during year 5 and especially in year 6 it is important to allow and encourage gradual independence otherwise secondary school will be a big shock.

Also I think it may be that second or subsequent children get freedom sooner, eg my 8 year old walks half a mile down the high street with her sister once a week. I wouldn't let her on her own, and the 10 year old wasn't doing that aged 8.

bonbonours · 27/04/2017 18:24

Oh yes Treetops, same here, I let mine bike on her own now only since doing Bikeability.

bonbonours · 27/04/2017 18:28

Mind you my 10 year old still plays with Barbies too - gasp. Wow it's possible to be independent, mature and still enjoy roleplay games.

Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 18:32

Mind you my 10 year old still plays with Barbies too - gasp. Wow it's possible to be imdependant I know that. I posted the Barbour comment with a sackful of sarcasm. Obviously missed.

Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 18:32

*barbie

KERALA1 · 27/04/2017 18:33

It is a funny age really on the cusp

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 23:20

I agree with another poster that you make the opportunities for them to learn how to be independent. For example

Giving them a shopping list of things to buy at the local shop, or if you're out at the supermarket give them half the list and get them to go off and shop for them.

Get them to make a basic dinner like sausage and mash or pasta.

Get them to walk the dog.

Clean the car

Go pay for the parking ticket.

Go ask for directions

Just anything which pushes them out of their comfort zone.

Growing up I was always faced with challenges and situations where I had nobody to help me.

From my experience where Iv seen others grow up and be protected constantly by their parents, it's doesn't do them any good.

I don't agree with a 10yo hanging around McDonald's (unless it's in the same street)
With makeup on.
But those girls doing that might lack independence where it's important.

A parents job is to teach them how to care for themselves. You have to gradually push them out of the nest, if you don't then you haven't got their best interests at heart.

And OP your daughter might not want to have independence right now, but they change over night, so I wouldn't get too comfy. It's best if you're the one pushing them rather then you getting set in your ways and then them trying to push you and rebel.

Kaybush · 27/04/2017 23:21

OP: I've been saving this post as I didn't have time to read it earlier, so may be a bit late with my advice, but PLEASE PLEASE don't think you need to make your daughter more independent currently - you are doing just fine!

I have a 10 yr old DD who walks to school on her own just twice a week and I always pick up. She goes to the park over the road with a friend, where we can see her, but all other outings are accompanied currently.

She wouldn't know what to do with makeup, but has a smart phone and uses my iPad. Virtually every girl in her (state-school) class is at the same level, freedom-wise.

I don't know ANY 10 yr old girls who are allowed to go to McDonalds or swimming alone, or who wear makeup. As stated earlier, I think it's probably a cultural thing!

corythatwas · 28/04/2017 01:02

My ds didn't ask to be taught how to read or write or add up numbers either; in fact, as far as I could tell he had no desire to learn anything at all. But I thought they were useful skills that he ought to know by a certain age, so I (and his teachers) made it our business to make sure he did know.

I feel pretty much the same about life skills. If the occasion doesn't arise naturally, then you create situations where they get a chance to practise. Swimming, crossing the road, getting things from the shops, basic cooking, body care (including care of minor injuries) etc.

I never worried that learning to read would make ds grow up too quickly and ruin his childhood, so I don't think I needed to worry about other skills either.

neonrainbow · 28/04/2017 07:48

Kaybush you say op is doing fine based on your dds level of independence. But your dd walks to school a couple of times a week and goes to the park with a friend and the ops dd has never so much as walked across a car park alone.

bruffin · 28/04/2017 08:08

We all used to go swimming by ourselves at 10. In Enfield once we got your intermediate bag , we were give a book of 30 swimming tickets so we were actually encouraged to go by ourselves as parents would have had to pay, that was over 40 years ago

Empireoftheclouds · 28/04/2017 08:18

My ds didn't ask to be taught how to read or write or add up numbers either; in fact, as far as I could tell he had no desire to learn anything at all. But I thought they were useful skills that he ought to know by a certain age, so I (and his teachers) made it our business to make sure he did know This has pretty much nailed it. You wouldn't sit back and say she was not interested academically so why do it with social/life skills?

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